Thursday, December 30, 2010

Rest In Peace...William Bernard Just 9/8/23 - 12/24/10

So I just got home from a funeral, of an old man who used to sit behind me in church growing up.  Him and his wife, Claire, were seriously the cutest old couple I have ever met in my life.  I have never met two people in my life more willing to listen, give their time, and just joke around with a little girl in my life.  Even when I went away to college, they would write me long notes, it was the sweetest thing I have ever seen.  When I saw his obituary in the paper, it was so sad.  At the funeral today I got to see his wife again, it was so good to see her.  I gave her a big hug, and told her how much I had missed her.  I was amazed that she remembered me instantly! I found out during the service that Mr. Just had served in the Air Force during WWII and was very into airplanes and building model planes.  I also learned that Mr. and Mrs. Just would have celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary this year.  They were so in love with each other, it really restores my faith in marriage to see a couple like that.  They were in love to the very end.  He was a special man and I will never forget him.  He also had a deep faith in God, and was a true believer in Christ.  At the end of the service, they shared he and his wife's favorite poem, "Footprints in the Sand" which brought a tear to my eye, because it has always been a favorite of mine as well.  I want to post the poem below in case any of you have not heard of it.

Footprints in the Sand

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also notices that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
Troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you the most,
you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you only see one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Christmas.....came with ups and downs

Well, overall my Christmas was very good.  The day after, however was not.  I should have seen it coming, the tell tale signs had been there for a bit, but my relationship with the new guy ended with me being dumped.  He was not ready for a committed relationship.  Honestly, now, looking at things, I am glad to have found out now and not to have been strung along.  I was very upset at the time, and said some things that should not have been said, but I have apologized for that.  So, I am again single, but I have learned from this experience some things that I now want in a relationship, and will move forward.  I took a day where I was fairly mopey, but considering this relationship only lasted less than 2 months, I am glad I did not have more time to become more attached.  I am back on the horse.  I know now 2 things that I want in a relationship that I was NOT getting out of this one.  First, I want a Christian man.  Not someone who just puts that down as their religion, but who actually practices.  Goes to church, prays, has Jesus in their heart.  Second, I need someone who will pay me a bit more attention when we are apart.  In the little things, like a text to say "Hi, I'm thinking of you." or something like that.  This was something I was not getting out of the last relationship, that I think would be nice.  In my last post I discussed my new years resolutions, and I am very serious about them, especially the one about attending church and doing my devotional.  I really want to work on my relationship with God this year.  I accepted Christ into my heart in college, but I really want to deepen that relationship over the next year.  I want to study his word, learn more about Him, and allow him to work in my life.  I hate feeling like I am one of those Christians that gives there heart to Jesus but then doesn't do anything after that.  I really need to dig into scripture and learn.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Goals for the New Year 2011

I decided to make some "New Years Resolutions", although I hate calling them that, because I just feel like they have always been connected to some form of weight loss in the past for me, but this year, I am setting more like goals for myself.  Things to strive for.  I want them to be things that I don't beat myself up for if they don't get done, but things that I strive really hard to get done.  Here is my list of 8 things so far:

§      Continue without ED Behaviors.
§      Start doing a Daily Devotional, set aside time each day to focus on it.
§      Pray each night before bed.
§      Attend church as much as possible.
§      Save more money by focusing on NEEDS vs. WANTS.
§      Spend more time fostering friendships.
§      Work on organization and cleanliness.
§      Work on exercising in a healthy way 2-3 times per week.

I think these are all healthy goals, which are achievable.  I am going to try to make myself checklists and such to help me accomplish these goals.  I am hoping that it goes well.  I will update about it.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas is almost here!

I can't believe how quickly time passes sometimes.  Just 3 days left until Christmas.  Wow.  I went to an amazing church service this past Sunday.  The pastor was discussing the Human Condition.  We live in a time where storms often come, and we want to escape because the future may look bleak, but we need to TRUST that God cares and knows about the storm.  We all need to recognize we are broken people, and ask Jesus to help us see our sin.  We must repent.  We need to recognize our need for a Savior.  There is shelter from the storm, and his name is Jesus.  He talked about what Christmas was really about - Jesus coming to save us.  It is our responsibility to share the good news this season.  We must pray for the unsaved.  At the end of his sermon, the pastor asked anyone who felt led, to come forward to the altar for prayer.  You could come forward for prayer for yourself if you felt in the midst of the storm, prayer for strength to share Jesus with others, or prayer for certain unsaved loved ones.  I could feel the Holy Spirit moving inside me saying, "GO GO GO!".  So up I went.  I knelt amongst others, and had a hand laid on my back by an elder of the church who prayed over me.  I prayed for myself amongst the storm I have been facing with the Depression, and continued freedom from it, but more specifically, I prayed for the salvation of my sister.  God has laid her on my heart for a long time....ever since I became a Christian.  I have tried at times to reach out to her, inviting her to church with me, giving her Bibles, but to no avail.  I fear for her soul, but I honestly don't know her heart.  Her lifestyle is very different from mine, I don't know all the details, but I know she does not attend church regularly.  I just fear that she is not keeping Christ at the forefront of her life.  Now, I know I am not perfect, I know I am a sinner, I ask God everyday for forgiveness of my sins, but I feel afraid that Christ may not be in her heart.  I don't know what to do, I know it is up to her, it is just heavy on my heart.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I felt it today.

I felt it today.  I was driving to Target to pick out "stocking stuffers" for myself as my mom is too busy this year with she and my dad retiring to get out much and do things and there it was.....the ugly monster in my head.  Depression.  It has not visited me in quite a while.  I literally just started crying and had to loop the parking lot a few times to calm myself.  I don't know if this has been a slow build or what, but it definitely hit me all at once and knocked me for a loop.  I had to just park my car, and sit and wait and then basically force myself into the store because I knew that just driving home and burying myself in my bed would not help.  After I got on a roll, it faded, but it is still there.  I know of a couple of things that could be bringing it on.  Christmas is all around a hard time of year for me, it always has been.  In addition, the cold weather is hard on me.  It makes me want to stay inside and just hide away.  Stay warm.  I can't wear the clothes I want to wear, because I am so cold all the time, so I feel like I look terrible all the time.  Like a bum or something, so I don't really feel good about myself.  Another thing that could have brought it on today is hearing that someone I used to know that is younger than me is getting married.  It just plain hurts.  I want to find a person and get married so bad.  I want to have children.  The person I am dating now has the potential, there are just some things that make it hard.  He was recently hurt, and is not ready to open up with me much except for slowly.  I feel that he likes me, but I know that I like him a lot more than he likes me, and that hurts.  I don't want another broken heart, but I really like this guy.  His job keeps him very busy, and while it does bother me a bit, I have to be understanding.  It is his income.  I just get too attached too quickly.  I expect too much too quickly.  I just wish that we lived a bit closer sometimes.  An hour away seems very far right now.  I don't know.  I know I just have to trust in God in these moments.  That he will show me what is meant to be.  That he will direct my path.  He will guide me.  It is just hard at times.  I do know, however, that prayer is comforting.  I will continue to pray over all of this.  Prayer heals and helps.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Christmas Time!

I have not updated in a while! I have been quite busy. Which for me, I think, is a good thing.  I've been trying to fill my days up more with things to do to keep myself busier than I have been in the past.  My new medication is continuing to work wonderfully.  I am so happy about it.  I am in a new relationship and it is going well, and I am happy.  I am so thankful that I already have all of my Christmas shopping done!  Now it is just the wrapping and decorating the gifts that I have to get done.  I am excited about all the gifts I have gotten and excited to give them.  This may sound cliche, but I LOVE giving gifts....so much more than receiving them.  I love finding the PERFECT thing for people.  Seriously, I will start looking in September.  I hope I did alright this year.  For some family members I had to resort to their given "lists" instead of finding something unique and special, but at least I know they will like it.  I do also try to remember, however, that Christmas is NOT about giving gifts.  I have started attending church again recently with an old friend at a local church, which has been REALLY good.  The church is not exactly what I was looking for but it is the best fit I have been able to find around me.  The pastor is extremely enthusiastic, which makes it very hard NOT to listen to the sermons.  The sermon last week was on basically keeping Christ in Christmas.  I think it is very hard to loose sight of that sometimes.  It is so easy to get caught up in the gifts, family get togethers, decorating, etc. and loose sight of what Christmas is really about.....Jesus.  I really want to try hard to keep reminding myself this year of what Christmas is really about.  Yes...I love giving gifts, but that is not what Christmas is about.  Christmas is about the birth of our savior.  I want to try to do something special this year, I haven't thought of what yet, but I am going to do something.  Just to help keep my mind in the right place.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I thought in light of today being Thanksgiving, I would take some time to make a list of all the things I can think of that I am thankful for right now.  I don’t know how long it will end up being, but I thought would be a good way of remembering the meaning of the day.

  1. I am thankful for my family.  They are my support team.  I love them fiercly, and would not trade them for the world.
  2. I am thankful for my friends.  Both online and in real time, all of you have touched my life in a very special way, and for that I thank you.
  3. I am thankful that I am not in the same place that I am in at this time last year.
  4. I am thankful for my Treatment Team.  They have helped me in ways I could never have imagined.
  5. I am thankful for the new relationship I am in right now, and for whatever God has in store for me.
  6. I am thankful for the new church I have found nearby to attend.
  7. I am thankful for the world wide web, e-mail, and cell phone services.  They all help me keep in contact with people that are important to me on a daily basis.
  8. I am thankful that I have a safe home, do not go hungry, and do not need for anything.
  9. I am thankful for my body, although I have had my battles with it, I am thankful that it is healthy and gets me where I need to go.
  10. I am thankful for recovery, and the process of learning more and more each day about myself.

I think this list hits on the main topics that I wanted to hit on.  I hope that this post will come in handy for me when I am feeling depressed, to help me see things in a different light.  Looking at what I DO have in my life rather that what I DON’T.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

God's Timing

Well, what a roller coaster ride I have been on for the past weeks.  It has been quite amazing and I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the world (well, so far...lol).  Let me explain myself.  When I broke up with my ex in June, to spite him, I created an account on an online dating site.  I actually paid for it, so that I could e-mail and chat with people.  Well, a certain person contacted me, and caught my attention.  We e-mailed over the summer, and for reasons beyond either of our control were unable to meet up until not this past Friday, but the Friday before.  We met for a movie at my local theater, where you can actually have a meal while watching your movie.  I had a great time, he was amazing, and I was shocked that he was actually what he had been telling me he was.  He was a real gentleman, and I just prayed that he would call me back.  Well...he did and we saw each other 4 times over the next week.  He has shown me how a girl should be treated.  For that I am forever grateful.  Even if this does not turn out to be anything, I have learned so much.  I am trying REALLY hard not to get to attached too fast, although it is proving hard.  Something definitely to work on, but I am making progress, slowly, but I am trying.  I do need to not get myself so entangled in someone else that my life comes to revolve around them, as I have done in past relationships.  So I am trying to stay active with my parents, active on facebook and such, trying to stay involved in other things as well.  It is a bit hard, because I do not have friends close to me, but I really want to make an effort to keep grounded.  I feel happy, and the medication is still working.  Things are going well.  It is actually somewhat scary for me, because I feel like it can't be right.....like anything could happen in a second and everything could come crashing down.  Like I don't deserve it.  I am trying to push those thoughts aside however, and focus on being in the moment.  Enjoying the moment for now, what it is, and taking it all in.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The past week or so....

So far, my new medication has continued to do its job fairly well.  There have been 2 or so days where I have felt a bit tired in the afternoon and required naps, but other than that things have been good.  I have been hanging around with my family more, and made much more of an effort to get out and about socially.  I stayed at my grandma's over the weekend while my parents and 2 of their friends went to Asheville, NC to visit my sister.  She is preparing to move to Ft. Collins, CO next week, and they went down to help her pack for the move.  My weekend went pretty well.  I got to go out with my aunt some, and spent time with my grandma.  I also worked on a scrapbook I have been meaning to get done for a long time.  I am almost finished with it.

The beginning of the week has been okay.  I have an online friend, whom I met through facebook, that I am very worried about.  She has an eating disorder (Anorexia) along with other things (depression, OCD, anxiety, etc.), and it has gotten very far out of control.  She is very sick.  She needs treatment very badly, however, she does not have insurance (well, she has Medicaid).  She also does not have money.  I am extremely scared for her life at this point.  She is so sweet and supportive.  Always been so kind to me.  I know deep in my heart that this girl wants to recover, she is just so deep in her disorder at this point, she does not know how to get out on her own.  She needs a long-term inpatient stay.  Her cheapest quote so far has been $68,000, which she can come no where close to paying.  I just don't want to loose her.  I feel like I just can not stand by and watch her die.  I am scared.

It makes me sick too, to think that I was once where she was.  To imagine that I was doing the same thing to my family.  Praise God for my insurance company.  It is so hard to imagine what would have happened to me if I had not gotten treatment.  I seriously think I would be dead.  I can relate to my friend so much.  I understand how she feels so stuck.  I wish I could somehow lend her my insurance for a while......I know that isn't possible, but I just feel so helpless and useless.  It is a real eye-opener as to how my family must have felt with me.  Very painful realization.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Update....a GOOD one!!!

You all probably won't believe it, but....yes, that is me.  Outside, in the fresh air, out of my room and bed on a horse.  I started a new medication on last Friday, and it is working wonders.  I have a renewed energy, and hope for the future.  I feel like a new person.  I am keeping everything possible crossed that it keeps working!!  As for the details of this picture, my mom and her friend and I went horseback riding this weekend in the mountains.  It was absolutely BEAUTIFUL.  The fall colors were in peak and it was amazing.  I am so excited to see my team tomorrow and share with them the good news.  There are a few annoying side effects to this medication, but I am hoping that by tweaking the dosage some they will go away.  I am having problems with headaches, and some trouble sleeping, but the sleeping is getting a little bit better.  I realize that this medication has in no way healed me of all of my problems, but I feel like I am able to actually do the work now.  Before, it was like I had lost hope.  I just felt like I was going to live the rest of my life in my bed in that fog of depression.  I feel like running into my Psychiatrist's office tomorrow and tackling him with a big hug!!  This is actually very funny because if you know me, I am a mere 5'3" and my psych is probably well over 6'6".  Anyways, if you read this, please pray that this medication continues working for me!!

Friday, October 22, 2010

The days drag on

My days just seem to keep dragging along.  Still spending most of my time in my bed.  I have my Family meeting with my therapist next week, so we will see what comes of that.  I know that she is going to encourage my family to start trying to get me out of my room and more involved with them.  This is going to cause some major conflict.  I know it is all good for me, but I just feel so low right now, I just don't feel like doing anything.  I don't want to be around people.  I tire so quickly that doing things just wears me out.  I can't focus long enough to watch more than an hour or so of T.V. so spending time downstairs with my family that way doesn't work so well either.  My psychiatrist is not recommending inpatient depression treatment at this time.  I honestly don't know why, with how I am feeling, but he isin't.  He mentioned something about a clinical trial or something but I'm not really feeling that.  I don't feel like being a lab rat.  I just really have my doubts that things are going to get better for me.  People keep telling me that this is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life and it just makes me so angry.  I don't want to deal with this the rest of my life.  I don't think I can stand it.  If things don't get better, I seriously doubt I am going to be able to take classes in the spring or go to school in the fall.  I had a very terrifying thought the other day and it made me realize just how low I really am right now.  My dietitian was talking to me and she said something to the effect of "Well in 5 years from now...." and the only thing that I could think was......In 5 years from now, If I'm not better, I'm going to be dead.  It was a hard thought to think, but it was the first thing that popped into my head.  I just hope that things can get better, because I don't know how to get out of this huge hole I have dug for myself right now.

Monday, October 11, 2010

It's Bad

It's getting worse.  My appointment with my endocrinologist was a complete waste of time.  She basically told me it was all my depression and that she suspected that hormones did not have anything to do with it.  She did run some blood tests which she will be checking on this week, but I don't expect much.  On top of now feeling like I am letting the depression fully control my life, some of my Eating Disordered thoughts and symptoms have started to come back.  I have started restricting my intake again......loosing weight slowly.  Finding joy in watching numbers go slowly down.  This has been all in the past two weeks.  It's like I can feel something rising up in me again.  My parents have yet to notice, as nothing is really noticeable yet.  I suppose I am finding relief in one aspect of my life I can control at the moment.  The depression is so overwhelming, so debilitating, food is something I can focus on, count, limit, monitor.  I honestly don't know what to do right now.  I can not get a job right now.  I sleep 12 plus hours a day and get exhausted from doing the smallest of tasks.  I am weak.  It takes all my energy just to pull myself out of bed in the morning and take a shower or get dressed.  It has been this way for a long while now.  I feel like I am an old woman.  I probably spend 90% of my day in my bed.  It's like there is a haze around me that just will not lift, no matter what I do.  It's like I am just floating through life.  Not really present, because I am too stuck in my head.  Sometimes at night I will have panic attacks when the thoughts get too overwhelming and I just won't be able to stop crying.  I just wish I had something, some key to make it all go away.  My motivation is so low.  I feel like I have tried so many things, I am just exhausted, and skeptical of trying anything else.  I am loosing hope fast, if I haven't lost it already.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Nothing yet.

Well, so it turns out my NP called me with the results of my MRI.  It showed nothing.  Everything looks okay structurally.  I feel it is somewhat of a relief and a curse at the same time.  On one hand I know now I don't have another cyst and don't have to go through surgery again, but on the other we are no closer to figuring out what is wrong.  I am still set to go see my endocrinologist on the 7th, next Thursday.  I am just praying she can give me some answers.  I know she will run tons of blood work and do tests that most docs wouldn't know to do on all the hormones and such, so I am thinking maybe something will show up.  If nothing does, I am truly at a loss.  I don't know what to think.  If nothing is wrong physically it must mean that all of these symptoms are part of my medication withdrawal, or just physical manifestations of my depression.  If that's the case since I am so far into stopping the meds I may as well continue....and see what happens as all the medications leave my body.  If the symptoms improve I will know that it was med withdrawal.  If they do not, I know it is worsening depression.  If the depression is causing all of these symptoms, I seriously think I am going to consider some inpatient tx for depression.  Depression really does seem to be the underlying cause of all my problems, and if it is what is making everything worse now, I feel that more intensive treatment is necessary.  I see all of my team today, I want to try to use my voice and speak up about this.  I think I will be able to with my therapist, at least to run the idea by her, and get a feel for what she thinks about it.  I just have a sneaking suspicion that Depression may be the underlying cause here.  Of course I am terrified at the same time that that might be the case because the last thing I want is to have to go into another treatment facility, but I want to keep people informed of what I am thinking.  I truly hope that it does not come to that.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Not much new.

It has been a little while.  Nothing very much is new.  I had my MRI yesterday.  I won't know the results until I see my doctor on the 7th, though.  It seems that I am noticing a bit of a cycling to my symptoms.  I go through days where I have trouble sleeping and then I go through days where all I do is sleep.  I feel some energy some days and then I feel none.  It is very odd, and usually happens every 3-4 days.  I am trying to keep track of it to see if there is any kind of pattern to it, or any specific triggers.  My therapist has me using positive affirmations to help me.  I have always thought that positive affirmations were really dumb, and useless, but this time I am trying to keep an open mind.  She told me that even if I don't believe them, just to read through a list we created together of ones I can tolerate.  It actually does seem to shift my mindset some when I am feeling down.  I never EVER thought I would be one to say that.  Just simply saying to myself that "this too shall pass" seems comforting in times of emotional distress.  I don't know why, but it does.  I suppose it gives my mind something else to focus on.  I am still on track to get off of my medications.  I decrease again next week.  I am trying to prepare for feeling sluggish and low again by making lists of things I can do and such during the times I do feel a bit better.  I am hoping it helps.  ED-wise I did have a slip last week, but other than that I am doing well.  My weight is stable, and has been for a long while.  Although I may not like my weight, at least it is not changing.  I am a bit worried about coming off of one particular medication that may cause me to gain weight when I come off of it.  I am trying not to think about it, but it does make me nervous.  Coming off of the medication can rebound in making my appetite go up and making my weight go up.  So it is scary for me, considering my weight is already high for me.  I am going to talk to my psychiatrist about it before we start decreasing it to help prepare myself and see what he expects to happen.  Hopefully that will help decrease my fears.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Where I am.

Just thought I would put an update out there about where I am mentally.  Things are extremely hard right now.  Not ED-wise, but depression wise.  They have continued to fall downward over the past few months.  I am so very tired all the time and just not wanting to be around anybody.  Everything, even activities of daily living seem like HUGE tasks to complete.  I have headaches daily, and can't make it through a day without napping.  I sleep usually 12+ hours a day.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know if it is a way of escaping the world, a side effect of coming off of the medications, or just another sign that my depression is getting worse.  I saw my NP about a week ago, and she suggested that I see my endocrinologist again....she is a specialist in Pituitary disorders.  When I was 17, I had a cyst on my Pituitary gland, which I had to have removed, and she was the doctor who followed me through it.  We have made an appointment with her, but it is not until October 7.  So I probably won't be getting any answers about anything until then.  I tend to seriously doubt if it this has anything at all to do with my Pituitary Gland.  It just seems that medically, I am completely stable and fine, I just feel awful, and no medicine can help me.  So I feel quite stuck and hopeless at the moment.  I seem to just be having a very hard time seeing the positives right now.  All I want is to just curl up in my bed and stay there.  I am trying to keep pushing through the days, but it is hard.  I am going to look for a job.....it is just hard to think about how I will ever be able to handle one, but it seems that it is what I must do right now.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Drop out.

I am now a community college drop out.  I couldn't take it.  Chem and Economics.....2 classes, and I couldn't do it.  I am so tired, I was already sleeping through both of them.  I'd already missed a class.  My therapist and I talked about it, and it seems that school just isn't in the cards for me this semester.  It is just too much to bear with all that I am dealing with right now.  My depression has worsened.  I am just barely functioning.  Nobody around me seems to realize that, however.  When I told my father this evening that I would be dropping my classes he went crazy.  I am going to try getting a job, where I can just do some menial task for a max of 20 hrs per week to earn money, since my dad is officially cutting off all money to me, although I am still allowed to live in the house it seems, and stay on insurance.  Whatever, I will just be a cheapskate.  It's better than torturing myself in 2 classes that I hate.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Oh dear....

I went for my appointments Friday.  They did not go so hot.  The dietitian appointment was alright, but the one with my therapist was iffy.  I think I was almost hospitalized.  She called my parents after the session and warned them that I was borderline suicidal, and should not be left alone.  So, off to my grandma's I went for the weekend.  My parents just bought a vacation home in Berkeley Springs, WV, so they were there this weekend with some friends.  Treatment is not so much on hold as it was.  Because of some problems with my Chemistry class, I had to switch sections and so now I only have classes on Tues/Thurs.  So I can go to tx. more frequently, although perhaps not once a week still because of the tiredness.  I am still sleeping a lot.  The sleeping is so very spastic, though.  My sleep/wake cycle is very messed up, so I will sleep a lot during the day and then not be able to sleep at night.  I have still not decided how frequently I will be making the trip to see my treatment team.  I think my parents are still, despite the warnings a bit clueless as to how low I am feeling at times.  They are checking on me more often though, I will give them that.  I am hoping that things will get easier, with all that has gone on in the past few months, it scares me to still think they could possibly get worse still before they get better.  I just hope that things do start to settle down some.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Balance

I know I am posting a lot. Don’t bother reading if you don’t want to. I think it is mostly out of boredom, and feeling a bit lost at the moment. I can’t believe that school is starting in just a few days. Summer is already over. Chemistry, Economics, and Ceramics I on the way. Panic attacks, stress, and so much more also on the way. Hopefully no hospitalizations this semester. I just don’t feel much like going through with anything much right now. I have no motivation for life. I am not excited about anything. Just blah. Days seem so hard. Every day something bad happens, and just ruins the day. Bad things have been happening since March. My MeMaw died, uncle diagnosed with brain cancer, I was hospitalized, uncle free of brain cancer but has new growths in lungs, today my grandma and I find my aunt’s 10 year old dog dying in cardiac arrest, she passed away 10 minutes later. My grandma was crying, I was crying, my aunt was crying, my uncle was near tears. My dad came home drunk tonight. He is not mean or anything when he is drunk, just goofy, and hard to deal with, and not something I am up for dealing with right now. I am being forced to put my treatment on hold because my care providers can not work Fridays. So, after all of this, whilst coming off my meds, I have no therapy or dietitian. My mom is dieting. Constantly checking and counting calories wherever we go to eat. I will admit, my mom does need to loose weight for health, but I wish she wouldn’t shove it in my face. I am joining a gym with her tomorrow, so she will have someone to go with. We get “assessed” tomorrow. I am terrified they are going to tell me to loose weight. That will be the icing on the cake. I know they are going to tell me that, though, I know I’m fat. I am being completely logical. I am at the top of my “normal” BMI, they are going to want to lower that. There it is. I said it. Yes, I am a fatass. I have totally turned into one. From anorexic to fatass. I never expected that of myself. I always thought I would have more control. In tx the last time I realized the other day, I gained about 45-50 lbs. Disgusting. I seriously disgust myself. I realize that at my old weight I was not healthy, but I feel like at this weight I am not healthy either. Why can’t I just find a happy medium? It feels like I just can’t do anything right. I can never find a balance, I am either over or under doing it. In everything. School, food, my mood, self-care, organization, everything. NO balance at all.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Treatment on HOLD

Well it seems that treatment, for me, must go on hold for a while.  This coming semester, the only day I can schedule appointments is Friday.  Little did I know that neither my dietitian or my therapist work Friday's.  The 5 hour trip there and back (round trip) will not work any other day.  So, yeah.....I am pretty frustrated, but at the same time, it a secret way, glad it will just be over.  Glad that now I have nobody to be accountable to.  This is a sick way of thinking, I know, but yes, I must admit I have thought it.  There is nobody else around here I have any desire to see, and I don't even know of anybody around here willing to work with somebody with a history like mine.  I am still coming off my meds.  So I will be seeing my Psychiatrist less often eventually as well.  Part of me is scared, part of me is happy.  It is a weird feeling.  I may see my therapist for one last session, but that will be it.  At least until the end of fall semester.  I don't know.  We'll see.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Lately

Lately I have been so tired I can not keep my eyes open.  Yesterday I slept from 11 am - 8 am today.  I finally gave up and went in to Urgent Care to have blood work done.  Low potassium and dehydration.  Nothing severe, however.  No need for IV's or anything like that.  Just drink water and eat bananas.  Funny thing about that is, I have been using no ED behaviors.  For like a while now.  Like, weeks.  Maybe a month.  Don't understand that one, but whatever.  I am still very tired.  The doc thinks it may be coming off the meds.  The first one I came off of was a breeze, this second one, however is proving to be tricky.  The next one I have to go off of is going to be a huge pain as well because I have to come off of it so slowly.  It is going to take 9 weeks to get off.  Painfully slow.  I wanted to be off of them all in that time.  I know I need to be more patient, but I just want to be done.  I don't know how I am going to make my appointments in Richmond this week.  I am so tired, I don't know if I will be able to.  I am extremely worried about school starting.  It starts next Monday.  How will I be able to keep up with classes if I need to sleep more than half of the day?  Especially a class like Chemistry?  Ugh.  I feel like my body is just giving up on me.  It is so used to meds, it doesn't know what to do with out them.  I have been on some type of psychiatric med or another since I was 13.....I just am scared how my body is going to handle all this.  I know I want to get there, though.  Be free of the medicine.  It is not doing any good anymore, and I am sick of it.  I feel like I am flooding my body daily with all of these chemicals, and yet they are doing me no good.  I will get there.....slowly but surely, sooner or later.  I just wish the process and withdrawls were easier.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Depression Hurts. Antidepressants don't help.

I am going to be working my way off of all of my meds.  Slowly, but I will be coming off of them.  I do not see the point in staying on them any longer when there are no benefits.  I am just putting chemicals into my body daily with no relief of my symptoms.  I am still depressed, still anxious, still apathetic.  In some ways, I feel like things are worse than ever.  My ED symptoms are almost non-existent, although I battle with thoughts daily and my body image is in the pits....which causes me to not want to practice very good self-care.  Meaning, I don't really do my hair, make-up, dress nice, etc. because I just figure I look so disgustingly fat and ugly no amount of make up, styling, or clothing is going to hide it.  I feel like I am meant to spend the rest of my life alone and suffering.  I was just not made to be happy.  Not wired that way.  I know that this is very negative thinking, and some would call it a self-fulfilling prophecy...but it is how I feel.  I am going to say this, and I know it is going to hurt some people, but seeing my friends getting engaged, married, talking about their significant other has caused me so much pain it is almost unbearable.  It fucking hurts.  Why the hell am I not good enough for someone to love me?  But I guess it's not meant to be like that, and I know it's not their fault.  Of course they are happy.  I would fucking die if a guy even showed any interest in me.  I am turning bitter.  Bitter and old.  I am almost 30. 30! I should have children by now.  I should have a steady paying job by now.  I should NOT be living at home with my parents, still mooching off of them.  This is pathetic.  I am still struggling to decide even what I want to do.  Art therapy is not final now.  I am considering other options.  I've got to make more money than that to make it on my own.  I am thinking Pharmacy now.  Probably another 4 years of school.  I will never retire.  I just want to disappear.  To have never been born.  I was a big mistake.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Why?

I don't know what I did wrong.  I feel like my psychiatrist is really pissed off with me.  I told him I wanted to stop my meds.  They aren't helping anymore and I feel like I need a break.  My thinking was that he would actually give me some kudos for telling him and not just doing it on my own.  noooooooo.  I mustered up the courage to tell him near the end of the appointment, and he pretty much just shortly told me what I could decrease and sent me out the door crying.  I barely made it to my car before I started sobbing.  I've always really liked him too, so it just really hurts my feelings.  Makes me WANT to now just stop everything and say screw it.  If he doesn't care, why should I?  I actually e-mailed him when I got home about it and he gave me this line about being "taken aback" because I told him at the end of the visit.  Whatever.  He has never been one to follow the strict rules and parameters of a 30 min appointment time, so I don't understand why he didn't take the extra 5 minutes with me to let me calm down.  He did start out the visit by telling me that he was getting shorted money though, because I had seen my therapist that day too so he would have to charge me for just a "medication visit", whatever that means, he will be shorted $10-15.  So I started off the damn appointment feeling guilty enough.  I guess that seeing him since 2005 means nothing to him.  I hate having to take crap off of people that are supposed to be helping me.  It shouldn't be like this.  This is stupid.  I don't know why I even care so much.

Monday, July 26, 2010

A Taste

I have done it.  Gotten plastered.  Drunk.  Something I never thought I would do.  The room was spinning.  I thought I was going to pass out.  4 shots of Vodka.  That's all it took.  Neverland.  A taste of the unknown.  Where troubles dissappear and all you want to do is sleep.  A taste.  It scares me.  Terrifies me actually.  I never wanted to actually experience it.  Never wanted the opportunity for fear of what a tase of it could bring.  I must be careful.  Shelter myself.  Stop myself.  Never let myself do this again.  It is too easy.  It will become too fast an addiction.  I can so easily see the comfort in alcohol.  The longing for that feeling of being at ease and calm for once in your life.  I must stop now.  Plus, I think that the vodka with the addition of taking and ativan 1 hour before, and having an empty stomach just made things even worse.  I am just so damn anxious about this vacation I am on right now.  Now I am afraid I have unleashed something inside me much worse, much more terrifying.  Just another thing to cling to, another thing to have to obsess over, to keep my thoughts from killing me.  To keep my depression at bay.  This sucks.  Most likely, my guess is that I will keep control over this, and not let this ever happen again, however, having now let myself have tasted yet another monster, I feel dissappointed in myself.  I can see how I could fall so fast for it.  I want out.  I out of this addictive lifestyle.  I want to feel whole.  Feel worthy of something for once in my life.  Feel acceptable to somebody.  Feel beautiful, and wanted.  I am afraid that I will never feel these things in my lifetime.  I feel hopeless.  I don't know what I want anymore.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Tiredness....

I am sorry for the lack of posting.  Days are hard.  I feel very unworthy of anybody's time these days, and don't want to take up space.  I know this is not true, but a feeling is a feeling.  Things are not good...no matter how much of a happy face I put on, to try to trick people.  My parents seem to believe it.  I feel so so alone.  I am away from everyting.  I spend my days pretty much alone, except for the time I spend with my aunt, God bless her.  She tries her best to get me out of the house and take me places.  I don't feel able to get a job.  I am so tired all the time.  I can barely stay awake 6 hours and I need to take a nap.  My parents have their own lives and spend a lot of time with friends.  I just lay in my bed, wasting time.  Waiting on nothing.  Wasting my life away.  Nothing is fun anymore.  Everything that could be fun causes extreme anxiety.  The things I have to do each day just to live seem endless, and too much to bear.  Life is exhausting, and I am not even really living it.  Everyting is annoying as hell.  Yet at the same time I feel like I am apologizing for everyting.  I don't care anymore about what I look like or what I wear, because I feel like nobody cares.  My mind is either racing or moving so slow I can barely register what is happening.  Tears seem to fall, but I don't know why I am crying.  Life feels surreal.  I don't feel pain or joy, just numb....nothingness.  Blank space.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Break.

I am breaking down.  Slowly.  On Thursday, June 10, Micky told me that he had no future intentions on ever getting married.  He said he did not make enough money to support the both of us, and did not want to be married.  I am moving home.  I have thus far moved most of my things out of the condo.  One more trip and I should be out.  It feels surreal.  Like it's not really happening.  I cry, it doesn't help.  It changes nothing.  It hurts.  It is just the beginning of the hurt.  The true pain is just starting to sink in.  I feel unloveable.  Unwanted.  Used.  I feel like my chest is being crushed.  Someone is pounding on my head.  The back of my throat is swelling up.  I am hyperactive, then depressed.  Cramming down my feelings for nobody to see. 

One of my good friends was in a major car accident this week.  She was hurt, bad.  I am so worried.  She just got out of the ICU today.  I want to go see her, but i don't know when I will be allowed to.

Another one of my good friends got married today.  I feel like a jerk for bailing on her wedding at the last minute.  I just didn't think I would be able to handle my emotions at a wedding properly.  I am extremely happy for her, I am just so stuck in my own stupid head.

Another one of my friends wants me to call her because she is experiencing something similar.  I can't.  I am paralyzed.  The thought of the phone is daunting.  The thought of actual real peer support after having gone so long without it is terrifying.  I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to act.  I am no good at having friends.

Maybe I am meant to be alone.  Maybe I really am.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Restless

1:42 AM....I can not sleep.  Not so sure why, but I can't.  I have made the decision to not take the summer class I intended to take, and allow myself to relax a bit more and enjoy my summer off.  I am going to try to find some shadowing opportunities around Richmond if possible.  I really don't want to increase my work hours at this point although I am being encouraged by many to do so.  My therapist and I decided that I will work intensely this summer on my depression.  We are using a book and a workbook, plus sessions to work through it.  I need to get myself to a point where I will feel comfortable going away to school in the fall of 2011.  ED is not going so hot.  I am stable, but behaviors are still present.  I can not seem to get back onto a track of counting up more than 6-7 days without B/P.  I feel somewhat stuck.....and somewhat skeptical about this whole book/depression work.  I mean, I am still open to it, but just a bit doubtful that it will really work or help my depression at all in the end.  When I hit those lows.....nothing can really help.  The whole, "mindfulness/meditation" stuff, honestly seems a bit loopy to me, but whatever.  It's never worked in the past, but we'll see what happens.  I am just saddened by the state I find myself in.  Frustrated with life in general.  I tend to put on a very happy/giggly/bubbly front for others.....but when I am alone....nobody sees the ache.  The deep longing I have for inner peace.  It's like this huge void.  I get completely numb at times.  Feeling nothing, yet at other times I cry uncontrollably.  Sometimes I actually feel bipolar, although I know I am not.  I can go from okay one second, to completely miserable another.  At times I sleep my days away to avoid the pain, but sometimes sleep will not come and I am stuck with my thoughts.  I wish that sleep were as simple as an "on" and "off" button.  Things would be much more bearable at times.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Still Lingering....

The depression still lingers.  I try to fight it.....try hard, but it knocks me down most of the time.  I sleep a good amount of the day away.  Consumed by the desire to just give up and not face what is before me that day.  I struggle with ADL's (activities of daily living) which I have never really struggled so much with before.  I have always been SO RIGID with that.  I have always taken a shower at least once daily, brushed and flossed twice daily, put on make-up, styled my hair, etc.  The make-up and hair style have fallen off for about 2 years now, but the others have always remained.....however, now even they are missed at times.  It is hard to admit, but I just lack the energy and motivation to do it.  Strangely....my food has gotten a bit odd as well.  I am counting calories....zeroing in on them.  Punishing myself if I go over my "allowance".  This has just occurred in the last week.  I will bring it up next week with my team....however, I am at a good weight.....I could even stand to loose......so I doubt it will be really a big deal.  The thoughts are there, however.  Sleeping through my morning meal on purpose.  Ignoring hunger signals.  I am not sure what to make of this.  It has been so long since I was restricting.....I am not sure.  Weight is fine, and will be fine even if I loose.  So am I tricking myself??  Am I lying to myself??  I feel disgusting.....FAT, UGLY, but I always feel that way.  I want to be skinny again.  Want to feel pretty again.  It's only been a week, though.....I am probably making a big deal of nothing......like I always do.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Nothing.

Nothing feels right in my life anymore.  I feel like giving up.....giving in.  Resigning myself to living a life by myself, alone, without friends.  An old cat lady, dying alone, by herself.  Not a person in the world caring, or even knowing who she was.  I am hating who I am, where I have been, what I am doing, everything right now.  Don't want to believe in anything, myself, God, etc.  I don't understand why I am how I am.  Why I have to be this way.  Life has to be better than this.  Sleeping all day is not living.  Realizing, once again, that you are sitting on the bathroom floor with your head in the toilet is not living.  Feeling like the man you think you are in love with could not give a shit is not living.  So what am I supposed to do about it?? I don't know.  I can't seem to help myself.  I get spurts of good, but it does not last.  I work with my tx team but nothing seems to make things fully go away.  I want to be happy, it just doesn't feel in the cards for me.  I need a change.  But change is so scary.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Psych Hospital

I have something to share with you all. I want to let you know why I have been so absent on here the past few days, and so scatter-brained in general with everything the past month or so. I have been struggling a lot with my depression. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress with school, and now that I am using my ED behaviors less frequently, it seems that instead of taking the stress out in my ED, I am taking the stress out on myself.


Well, things all came to a head Monday evening. I was crying uncontrollably, and was inconsolable. I was panicing. I could not calm down and felt somewhat suicidal. I called my therapist and asked her if I needed to go into a hospital. She suggesed that if I could not calm down, I go. I could not. So in I went, to a nearby Psych ward for the night. I called the Psychiatrist on call at the practice I go to, and he also suggested that I go. It was a very humbling experience. I saw my Psychiatrist the next day on the unit, and he released me, after I had come to my senses and calmed down.

I have to say that depression is not something to mess with. It was terrible to go through that. I felt crazy. I still feel it was the right thing to do at the time to keep myself safe, but it was very scary. I never want to have to go through that again.

The whole experience has made me realize many things about myself and others.  Namely, that I need to NOT procrastinate so much and let stress build up.  It is because of procrastination that my stress levels got so high and I got so upset.  I need to learn how to budget my time better and work on things throughout the semester rather than putting things off until the end.

I learned a lot about my boyfriend during this time as well.  It was not a good time for us as a couple.  He does not seem to understand the deep sadness and pain I experience when depression hits me.  He does not understand how my depression comes on with stress.  I was not treated very nicely during this hospital experience.  Before I went, when I was uncontrollably crying he made me pay my rent, and then proceeded to talk on his phone most of the way to the hospital.  Once at the hospital he just dropped me off at the ER and left.  I will give him credit for keeping in touch with my parents through this experience.  However, when I called him the next morning, thinking I would not see my doctor until that evening (I really saw him about 1:30), and that because of that I would probably be staying another night, he said that he would have his sister, who works at the hospital bring me a change of clothes.  He also acted as though he was totally uninterested in coming to visit me during visiting hours.  I felt quite rejected, needless to say, by him through this experience.

So, when I was released that day and he came and picked me up (thank goodness), I decided to stay in Richmond that night to get a good night's sleep since I did not sleep well on the ward the night before and then come home to my hometown for the remainder of the week.  So I am here now with my parents and family.

Another tragic thing I have recently found out is that my Uncle, whom I spoke of on here last summer, who was diagnosed with Lung Cancer, and had gone into remission......well he now has Brain Cancer.  6 tumors in his brain.  1 the size of an egg.  There truely is no hope now.  Less than 6 months to live.  He had a seizure while I was in the hospital, and he has not been processing things right ever since.  It is so sad.  So much is going wrong......I just don't know how to take on all of this.  I am almost numb right now.  It's like none of this is really happening.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

IN

Well.....finally I found out!  I am in for fall 2011, that's right.....2011, not 2010.  They decided to delay my acceptance to give me another year in recovery.  I am excited about getting accepted, however, not so pleased about where my honesty got me.  I feel I am ready to go now.  I was as open and honest with them as possible, because I did not want anything to come back to bite me.  My story is a long one, and maybe one day I will post it on here, but in brief consists of 4 tx centers, 5 admissions (I was in 1 tx center twice).....I've been to 3 different Universities, and 2 different Community Colleges just to get my Bachelor's, I've been on 30+ psychiatric medications over the course of 8 years all in the attempt at decreasing my ever-present depression, all of which have failed, and I've been through approx. 5-6 different diagnoses (Anorexia, Bulimia, Major Depression, EDNOS, General Anxiety Disorder, and was once actually diagnosed Bipolar even though I am not) in treatment centers or combinations thereof.  Whew.....way to spill the beans.  So I guess when you look at it from their view, I am quite daunting to take on.  I am glad they gave me a chance, though.  They must have seen some kind of sparkle of something.  It does give me an extra year to get some more Art classes under my belt, and get a better grip on my Depression, and ways to cope with the lows that I experience from time to time.  So I suppose the decision was a good one, although I feel ready now.  God has something in mind, and I know that there is a reason I am supposed to wait that extra year.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Pick yourself up.

Well, inevitably, it happened.  Last Monday, April 5, I purged.  I don't want to excuse the incident, however I was under a tremendous amount of stress and I am currently dealing with a bout of depression which just made it all worse.  I made it 118 days.  I am back on the horse, though.  I plan to make it another 118.  It seems as though Depression always likes to loom it's dark cloud over me during this time of year.  When spring is arriving, weather is getting better, things should be looking up....I go way down.  Sometimes I don't think people fully comprehend the debilitating effects of my depression.  I suppose depression shows itself in different ways in different people.  I am unable to do basically ANYTHING.  I cry, cry, and cry some more.  I sleep most of the day, but never feel rested.  I get headaches that make me sensitive to light and sound.  All I want to do is be alone.  I had another dark day today, and although I did not use any ED behaviors, slept mostly all day.  I have been up now since around 4:00 pm, trying to complete work and get some things done around the house.  I get stuck in my head when depression hits....I don't really necessarily think negative thoughts, or at least, I am not aware of it....it is more of a total body numbness.  I feel nothing.  I am blank.  I have had periods of seriously staring at a wall blankly for 30+min.  This is what makes me so nervous about Art Therapy school.  When these waves come during that time.....what will I do?  Will I make it?  I still have heard nothing from the school regarding whether or not I have been accepted.  I actually decided to e-mail them today about it, so we will see what comes of that.  I had to call in to work tonight because of the depression.  It makes me hurt inside that this will be my reality.  That depressive waves will always be a part of me.  I wish I could make them go away for good.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The "Ache"

Today has been one of those days.  I have been experiencing what I call the "ache".  The ache to be sick again.  To be skinny sick again.  To be so sick I need to go inpatient again.  I just miss environment of my last tx facility so bad sometimes.  Even 3 years out.  It never changes my food intake that day or anything, it just depresses me for about a week.  Makes me cry.  I want to feel that love, that companionship of being with others who understand.  I feel like I don't fit in with that crowd anymore, and it's scary.  I don't know who I am becoming.  I don't know if I like it.  I want to be sick so people will take care of me.  Listen to me.  Pay attention to me.  Check up on me.  People don't do that when you are not sick.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of my Eating Disorder.  Then I feel stupid for doing that because it was so stupid of me to have one in the first place.  I just want to feel pretty again.  I don't feel that way now.  I used to, but now I don't.  I had to put on my Easter dress today and I just felt terrible in front of that mirror.  I am not going to go down that road again, by any means, but days like these are hard.  I don't like them.  I keep trying to tell myself, your on day 114....., you haven't restricted in who knows how long....., but it doesn't help.  I want days like this to dissappear.  I want to just be able to accept my body, however it looks, and appreciate it.  I just feel like that is so hard.

Monday, March 29, 2010

What do you like about yourself?

What do you like about yourself?
So, I did this survey on Facebook this afternoon, and I came to this question, and I just stopped and stared. Why is it still so hard for me to answer this question? Why do I feel like I am somehow boasting or bragging or even just stupid if I answer this?? Why does nothing come to mind? Why is it that after all the work I have done…..I am sill…blank? I know there has to be SOMETHING I like!! And I don’t just mean about my looks, I mean about my personality, the way I act, etc. So here, on my blog, I am challenging myself to post 5 things that I like about myself. I am starting now @ 4:53 PM, let’s see how long it takes me.


1. I like how I write letters to other people and love on them in that manner. Whether it be through, e-mail, Facebook, actual letters or some other way, I like how I do that.


2. I like the person I am becoming. Using my voice more, speaking up more, giving recovery 100%. Doing things that I love.


3. I like my creativity. I like that I am an artsy person, and that I like to create things for people and for myself.


4. I like my stubbornness. In a way it has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past….but it has also helped me SO much. Once I fully set my mind to something….I fight hard to make it happen.

5. I like the love I have inside me for others, especially my family. I am not much of a grudge keeper, except against one individual, that I will not mention.


Well, It didn’t take me long at all!! It’s 5:07 PM, so that is 14 minutes! I am extremely surprised. My challenge now, is to anybody who takes the time to read this (and I thank you) is that you would do the same thing for yourself!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Panic Attack


Just got over a panic attack and I am waiting for my medication to kick in so I can doze off. Poor Micky. He takes things out on himself way too much. My dad made a comment last night and he took it WAY out of context and just really slammed himself. I feel terrible about it, considering it was MY dad. I hate to see him feel bad, because he doesn't deserve to feel bad. He has been through enough in his life. I just want to shake him and yell "STOP!" and make all of the thoughts in his mind go away. But I am helpless. It is times like these that make me realize how much he went through with me when I was in the depths of my Eating Disorder. It is painful for me to think how much I put him through. That is why I must continue.....must push forward. Not only for myself, but for everybody around me. I have caused them enough pain. It hurts so much to watch someone you love destroy themselves, and beat themselves up mentally. It hurts even more when you can't stop the thoughts, or even help at all. I will never be able to comprehend the love my family and Micky have for me. I don't understand it. But I accept it. I love them back......fiercely. They are my life. Okay, now my haze is kicking in. Just thought I would share what I learned this afternoon.

Friday, March 19, 2010

100 Days

Well, today is officially over, meaning I have now made it 100 days without Binging or Purging. It has been now since December 8th. I am so very proud. Micky and I went out to celebrate tonight by eating dinner out at a nice Italian restaurant. We actually got to eat out on the patio since it was so nice outside here today!! Spring is in the air!! I can't wait for it. I am TOTALLY enjoying my spring break to the fullest. I love being lazy :P It's what I do best! Poor little Spike went to the vet's office yesterday and got neutered, so I have been taking care of him today and keeping him company. He has slept most of the day, though. He has this awful cone around his head, he looks just pitiful. The vet said we have to keep it on him for a WEEK!!! Craziness. This weekend Micky and I are helping out at a track meet on Saturday. We help with the throwing events, marking them and judging and such. It's fun but very tiring. We help his old weight lifting coach out. Plus it's at my old college, and Micky's too, so we like to secretly root for them. I am feeling less tired lately than I have been. I was able to see my doctor last week about the tiredness I had been feeling and he made some adjustments, but I haven't actually put them into action yet.....so maybe it was just that I was lacking sleep. I don't know, but I do need to get myself to the pharmacy in the near future. Micky told me something interesting about myself yesterday. Apparently I need to dress more my age. He told me that while he was waiting for me to come out of Target, he mistakenly started driving up to pick up a teenager who looked like me. So I need to "woman" up my "look". Whatever that means. So I shall be experimenting with that I suppose. It's hard though, because everybody tells me I look young. I don't really know how to fix that. I get carded regularly.....sometimes even at the movies!! Embarrassing!! It is especially embarrassing when people think that Micky and I are siblings, because he looks old for his age and I look young.....so people don't think we could possibly be dating. Here's a REALLY bad one, one time, when I was sick, and looked even younger, Micky got mistaken for my DAD!!! One of the most embarrassing moments of my life!! I don't think it helped that we were going to see a Disney movie. For those of you who don't know my age, I am actually 25. 26 in August. Edging closer and closer to 30 by the minute. Oh man, that's gonna be a scary day. Gotta stop thinking about that now, makes me depressed...just kidding....kinda :)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Update...again :)

Tired....That pretty much sums it all up. I have been increasingly tired since my last post. Don't know what it is, but I need to see my doc about it. Thank goodness for spring break next week. I don't even have to work....I am totally going to vegetate. Hibernate. Me and Spike. Bff's. I think the Movie Rental place is gonna hate me next week. I may as well go buy some of the movies....and some more pillows for the couch while I'm at it, and perhaps a few more chew toys for the dog to keep him occupied. Don't get me wrong, there will be some work involved, like, showering, using the remote, switching between movies and books, etc. Man am I on a trip. Na I won't really be that lazy. I couldn't stand being cooped up like that for more than a day. There will be a lot of sleeping involved though, if I don't get an appointment with my doctor soon. Not much is really going on. Art classes are going pretty well. I did a really good drawing today, I am not going to post it, though because it is a nude bust. We do not draw live nudes.....I think my head would pop off because I would turn so red. Spike is doing good. He is potty training. Still having some accidents, but doing well I think. We are learning quickly how much grooming a Maltese is going to require. At least 1 time a month, he will need a full grooming and we need to brush him daily. I am looking forward to tonight. Micky and I are going out to dinner for our "date night"....we have discovered a new restaurant we really like called "Kona Grill" they have Sushi there, which we both like and it is REALLY good. YUM!! Oh, and most importantly, I am still on track with everything...so .....drum roll please.....93 days today!! As a side note, please excuse the general psycho-ness of this update or spastic-ness. I am a bit out if it. :)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Rest In Peace


This is a picture of me, my cousin, and my sister from 3 years ago at Christmas with my sweet grandmother (MeeMaw) She passed away today. My main memories of her are from my childhood, as we used to live across the street from her, and eventually moved into her house, when she later moved into a nursing home. She was a brave, beautiful, strong woman in her time. She went through a lot in her life and I have much respect for her. I will never forget her sweet smile and kisses on the cheek. I love you meemaw, and I know you are at peace now in heaven.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

It's been a while...


Been a while since I last posted. Things have been going alright. I officially have made it to my mom's birthday without B/P, so as of today it will have been 82 days without B/P!! The longest I have gone since leaving my last tx center. My next goal is to make it to 100 days. That will be March 18. It has been a very stressful week for me. I had a painting assignment that was assigned Tuesday that was due Thursday. It was a mess. I got a horrible critique. I was very disappointed. I know it is a learning process, but I don't think that my professor needed to bash my work as much as he did. I am worn out with this stuff. I did receive a letter from the Art Therapy program and I am now on a wait list until they get in all of their March interviews. Once they do that they will make a final decision about my status. I have been very tired lately and I am not so sure why. Just blah. I am trying to follow my meal plan, but I feel as though I am overeating, like for real. I just need to get back on the plan and stick to it. Not stray so far off that I loose track of everything and end up eating more than I need to. Micky and I got a puppy!! That has been one good thing in my life lately. His name is Spike. I will include a picture of him. He is a little Maltese. He is SOOO cute. He has a great personality and is great for us. Love it!! I am really looking forward to spring break from school already!! I think we get a week off and I know it is in March. I need to look up exactly when it is. Things will hopefully go better with classes and such this week. I have some drawing assignments due the week after this coming week, but nothing due this week except for something for my design class. I want to start having some energy again, and I want winter to GO AWAY!!!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Art Therapy Interview

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
This quote basically describes my interview today. I was faced with many obstacles. To start out, Micky and I got completely lost getting there and I arrived 10 minutes late. 3 of the 4 other girls there were Art majors, and the other an art minor. I the lone one who did not have an art background. We had to present our art portfolios in front of the other girls there. I was floored, as I had included pieces from my treatment. I had to state in front of all those women and faculty that I was in recovery from an eating disorder. Explain the piece, and move on. I almost started crying, but I made it through. My art was NOT sufficient. It did not measure up to that of the other girls work. I felt completely ashamed and inadequate. The actual interview was equally as humiliating. The faculty who interviewed me point blank told me she was afraid that I would relapse if she admitted me into the program after hearing my history. She asked me my lowest weight and then had the nerve to actually ask me what I weighed. Of course, me, put on the face and answered like a "good girl". It was only after that I actually feel so upset about this process. I loved the program, and the faculty were actually very nice, except for those remarks, which I understand they would be concerned about, but then.....why give me an interview?? I discussed it in my personal statement when I applied. I feel very disappointed. I want to go to this school so bad. I want to be an art therapist. I am not going to let this effect my food. However. I am upset about it. I am acknowledging my feelings. When will my past stop haunting me??

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Quick Post of Drawing

As I promised, here is my charcoal drawing that I did for my Drawing I class. The class critiqued it yesterday. It went well. Of course, mine was critiqued first!!! I was freaked out about that, but it went just fine. The experience was totally different from that of the critique for my painting class, but good just the same. I got some good feedback and I know what I need to work on. I am preparing today for my interview.....just 2 days away. Micky and I have decided to go down to Norfolk tomorrow night and spend the night in a hotel, in order to not have to rush so much Friday morning to get down there by 9:00 for the interview. So that feels a bit better. So I am still anxious, but hopefully the preparation I do today will help. Please pray for me on Friday if you do that type of thing!!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

60 Days!!

Guess What!! 60 days today B/P free!! I am doing this!! Yes! I am so proud of myself. Yes I have had urges, and yes there have been times that I have been so close......but I did NOT give in. I am determined to make it to make it to my mom's birthday. February 24th. The big day. That will be 78 days. That will make my longest run since leaving CFC. I feel like it will mean a lot to her to be able to tell her that I have made it that long and that it is the longest period of time I have gone since leaving treatment last. I REALLY want this. My longest period before this would have been 75 days. I feel like I can make this happen. So exciting.

Art classes are going well. I survived my first critique. It was not nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. My professor told me that my painting was very good for a first oil painting. I could have used a bit more range of value, and made the brick the the picture more realistic, but a very good effort, so I am satisfied. I feel like I can learn from this and move on to the next project. I have my next critique on Tuesday, for Drawing I and I am working on that Drawing currently. I am planning on posting a pic when I finish. It is charcoal media. We are drawing a crowded space, defining middle, back and foreground. The project is entitled "Deep-space via mark making".

My interview is approaching rapidly. I am going to prepare by trying to come up with some possible questions they might ask me, and review and study their curriculum. I think that will help me to feel less nervous about it. Of course, I am also going to be praying about it. I feel like that is all I can really do at this point. My family is going to e-mail me pictures of my art from home to build my digital portfolio.....to fulfill my 8 pieces, and that will be it. I will be prepared. If you can, and if you are willing, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers on the 12th of February, next Friday.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Update


It was a LONG weekend. My motivation has been low, as I have been very tired. I did, however manage to complete my sketchbook entries, and got a 10/10 on them. I have my first critique tomorrow on my first oil painting, so we will see how that goes. I am posting a picture of it here, so critique away if you wish!! We had to do the painting in gray scale, of items placed in front of us on a table. I am nervous about critique, and just about these classes in general. They are so different from any other classes I have ever taken before. It's not straight forward, where you read a book, take notes, print the lecture, and study.....it's very different. I just don't know what to expect.
I am really trying right now to deepen my life spiritually. I have felt so out of touch with God lately. I need to reconnect. I am doing my own "bible study" using a book I found by an author that was recommended to me. The book is called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. I got the book and the workbook. I have read the intro and Chapter 1 so far and find it VERY good. Very interesting and right on. I want to share a quote from Chapter 1 that I found very compelling:
"The truth is always revealed through the Word; but sadly, people don't always accept it. It is a painful process to face our faults and deal with them. Generally speaking, people justify misbehavior. They allow the past and how they were raised to negatively affect the rest of their lives. Our past may explain why we're suffering, but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage. Everyone is without excuse because Jesus always stands ready to fulfill His promise to set the captives free. He will walk us across the finish line of victory in any area if we are willing to go all the way through it with Him."
This quote really spoke to me. It helps me see things in a different light. I need to learn more to "let go and let God" rather than dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. God will provide, in his perfect timing. He has his plan for me. As long as I am living my life for him, according to his will, I have nothing to fear.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Snow!

We are snowed in! There is about a foot on the ground right now, and it is still coming down. The open house I was supposed to go to this weekend at EVMS was cancelled due to the weather. I was actually really disappointed about it. I really wanted to see my parents and see the school before I went down there for my interview. Now I am even more nervous about the interview because on top of feeling like I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where I'm going! But, I suppose things will work themselves out. My week has been okay. I have felt very tired this week, and it has been a real struggle to get the things done that I need to get done. My classes are moving right along. I have my first critique next Thursday. It is in Painting I. I think my painting will be ready, I just have no clue as to what to expect. Then I have another critique the following Tuesday in Drawing I. I am working on sketches for my sketchbook this weekend that our professor is going to check on this coming Tuesday. Some of them are really detailed. We have a lot of homework in that class. I have been able to find a sculpture class for the summer and a digital art class. They are going to be at John Tyler Community College, which is a lot farther away from me, but I am willing to go since they recommended I get in a sculpture class before I come. So at least I have that figured out. I am still on track with my b/p behaviors. So it has been a total of 53 days today :) Very happy about that!!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Just Because

This is sort of a post just because. I am posting to somewhat vent and out of a case of boredom as well, if that makes sense at all. I am tired again, and it is starting to frustrate me. I am really pushing through and not letting it get to me, but I AM tired. I feel like I am getting enough sleep at night, and good nutrition, but still the tiredness. I am hoping to just ride it out for a week and hopefully it will pass. It may be due to worry. This week has been full of it. Micky has had a rough week and it has made me worry about him a lot. I am worried about my upcoming interview at EVMS and my art classes and whether or not my pieces will be sufficient for the art portion of the interview. I suppose I just need to relax. It is so hard to do though. It frustrates me. Worrying gets you NOWHERE. I try to keep that mantra, but it is so hard to stop the thoughts. Deep breaths. Breathe. Anxiety still rising. I want it gone so bad. I am so freaking done with this crap. It just makes me want to burst into tears I am so frustrated. Not over the anxiety but over the frustration of it all. I will beat this. I will prevail. I will keep my 43 days and I will continue to add. I will not turn this into an excuse. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. Everything will be fine. No matter what happens with school, no matter what happens with Micky. I will live, and I will thrive. I still have myself. I have my family. I have my team. I have my friends. I don't have to beat up myself anymore, it is not worth it, it doesn't have to be an option anymore. Wow. Glad I typed this out. I need to keep re-reading this. This was helpful.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

40 Days

I made it through my first week of classes unscathed. I have 40 days under my belt now. I'll admit it, I'm pretty proud :) My classes seem really great but challenging at the same time. For my drawing I class I have to keep a sketchbook, and by the end of it I have to have over 40 drawings in pen & ink, like 30 in pencil, and also complete all of the big assignments. That feels overwhelming, but I think I can do it. The materials were so EXPENSIVE!!! I was blown away!! My painting class was the most expensive. We are learning oil painting. The professor only allowed us to buy a specific brand of paint, in numerous colors, which was expensive, and a specific brand of brushes which were even more expensive. I got it all, though. I am down to working just on Wednesday's now. I didn't even work at all last week, and only have 4 hours next week, though. I think that might be good, while I figure out how the classes are going to work and my workload, though.

I have absolutely fabulous news to share, though. I sat down to check my e-mail the other day and saw that I had an e-mail from EVMS. I immediately got really nervous, and didn't even want to open it. Finally I got the courage to open it, and I got and interview!!! I am SO excited. I go for my interview on February 12th. I am also going to their open house for the program on January 30th and my parents are going with me. I am so nervous for the interview. Especially because I don't have so much experience on the art side of things. I will by the time I get there, but not for the interview. I have to have a portfolio put together for the interview of 8-12 pieces. I know of definitely 4, maybe 5 that I have. So, I gotta come up with at least 3 more before then. I would really like to get an oil painting done, but I am not sure if I will have one by then. I need a pencil/charcoal drawing. I could use a sculpture, but I haven't taken a class. So I am just really nervous. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be, though....I just have to remind myself of that.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

:)


I just have to say it. I feel happy today. I have been having happy days for a while now. I don't want to jinx myself. But I am happy. Yay! I seriously haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel normal for once in my life. Like in the picture, I feel like I am coming out of the sea of 'blue'. I feel like I am developing a healthy relationship with food. It is by no means perfect, but I am nowhere near so obsessed with it. It is just a part of my life now. I started school yesterday. I really want to ROCK this semester. I am going to work my butt off. I want to learn. I want to get into this Art Therapy program. 37 days now, no B/P. Yes! I am learning slowly how to deal with down time. I feel like I am letting go. Finally learning to be me. Accepting me. I am so glad (at least right now) that I took this leap of faith and decided to go back to school.
Oh, and an update about that chest x-ray, high lymphocyte stuff....well I went to the doc on Monday, and it turned out my lymphocytes were completely normal then. So....now I have to decide whether or not to even bother seeing the lung doc. I am mulling it over with my psych, to get his opinion and we will go from there. But that is great news!! The doctor there thinks it may have just been a virus I had or something. He wants me to come back in a month and he with perform a chest x-ray, to ensure that everything is okay. I am all up for going with that option and just cutting out the lung doc, but I am still going to get the opinion of my psych....cause he knows his stuff.

Friday, January 8, 2010

1 Month

Well....Guess what??? I have made it 1 month today, B/P free!! Hooray!! My goal now is to make it through the first week of classes B/P free. This week has been very tiring. It started out okay, but starting Wednesday until today I have worked 6am-10am, very short shifts, but just early enough to wear you out for the rest of the day. I was finally able to finish Micky's parents CHRISTMAS present yesterday, though. I know, I am WAY late. I feel terrible about it. But, better late than never I suppose. Now I have to finish my cousin's daughter's birthday present which was December 27th!!! Man I am behind. I really want to stay on top of things in my classes, though. I think things will be different there. When I have to get things done by a deadline or there are actual penalties, I think things will be different. I HAVE to stay on top of things because I really need to do well in these classes. The school I am applying to for art therapy contacted me this week and asked me where my letters of recommendation and transcripts where. I was like.....um.....I don't know??? I sent off for them. Makes me really nervous. But I got it straightened out and I think things are okay now. After I heard too that the letters of recommendation don't have to be in until the end of the month it made me feel a lot better. I was afraid that I was actually already late or something. Nothing much other than that to report, really. Things are okay. I am excited about classes starting next week. I do wish, though that the professors would post the syllabi's on blackboard now so that I could go ahead and buy the supplies I need. I've bought some stuff, but who knows what other random things I'll need.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Update

Happy New Year 2010!! Things are going along. I have not binged or purged since December 8th. I have reached my goal of making it to the new year. My goal now is to make it to January 8th, making it a month. I am taking baby steps. I find that making shorter goals is more manageable for me. When I set my expectations too high, I tend to get a bit overwhelmed and I fall. Christmas day ended up going okay. Not the great, amazing, Christmas I had envisioned, but again, I think I set my goal way too high. I did well, and things went well. Recovery is going good. Christmas eve was just a depressing evening, and I made it through, even though it was rough. I got to see my old therapist today and it was so good to see her, even though I had such a hard time leaving her. I got to update her on how things are going and what I have been up to. It was nice. Yesterday, I finished my application for EVMS, and submitted it. So that is done. It is now up to God whether I get in. If I do I am off to Norfolk in the fall. If I don't, no big deal.....I will try again next year, after the art classes are behind me, I have built up my portfolio, and perhaps had more time to do some volunteer work in the field. Sure I will be disappointed, but I can always try again. I start the art classes at the community college on January 12th, I believe. I am excited about it. I haven't taken art classes since high school, I have missed them!