Thursday, December 24, 2009


Things are moving along. I can't believe Christmas is here already. I have gifts for my family....some things that I meant to give were not completed so I had to resort to back-up gifts, but all is ready. I feel at peace about Christmas this year. More at peace about this Christmas than I ever have in the past 8 years. I feel like I am letting this all go. Letting go of the ED, the crap I deal with. Maybe it's the meds, maybe it's something else...I don't know. I am 17 days binge purge free. My goal is to make it to New Years, and set a new goal from there. I am sad that Micky and I are not able to be together this Christmas, though. Sad about some other things but I don't feel like talking about that on here. I am not, however, letting it effect my food or other things. I would just like some things in my life to be different right now, but I am powerless to change them. The change has to come from elsewhere. That is very vague, but I am dealing. I am in the process of applying to EVMS for fall. I seriously doubt I will get in for next fall. I think I will have a much better chance for fall 2011. I don't know. I feel like my ED is going away but I am still mentally not at such a great place. My depression is still ever present. There are still many problems. I thought the world of recovery was supposed to be so wonderful??? Yeah....not so much.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Lots of stuff going on.

Well. There is good stuff and bad stuff. Good stuff first, right? I made a good decision about my future. I am going back to school next semester. I am going to a local community college and taking 18 credits of Studio art over the spring and summer in order to hopefully get into a Master's program for Art Therapy at Eastern Virginia Medical School next Fall. I have made the decision that I want to be an art therapist. I feel very happy about this. I am excited about the classes. Excited to feel a direction in my life. I am taking Painting I, Fundamentals of Design I, and Drawing I. It is going to be a lot but, it is going to be good. I am cutting way back on work to like one shift a week, and leaving the possibility open to quitting if need be. So I am just hoping and praying that I get in. I need to have a back up, so I will be looking around for that.

And now on to the bad stuff. Well, I suppose it is not really all that bad yet, just weird. I have been feeling off lately. Today it came to a head. I feel dizzy, feel like my heart is fluttering, I am so tired. Just off. So I went to Patient First today. Some odd results. Had some blood tests run and an EKG, and a Chest X-ray. The EKG was completely normal, which is very good. In my blood test, lymphocytes were high, they have been high since last May, and have increased. My chest x-ray was most concerning. I had 2 spots on my lungs (In pic, on the left side one in the middle and one near the top). One of which the doc was almost positive was a calcification, which is basically nothing. But the other she was not sure of. She referred me to a Hematologist and a Pulmonary doc, which I have to call on Monday and make appointments with. The radiologist @ Patient first is going to review my Chest x-ray tonight, and make a final reading. Hopefully it will all be nothing and everything will be fine. Probably just have a virus or something. I will call the docs, however, and make appointments to make sure. I contacted my Psych, and he says he doesn't know what it all means either. Very confusing.

I am actually doing quite well with my ED, which makes me feel good because, I can rule that out as a possible factor in all of this. The depression is ever present, but not as severe as it was, I am more just tired than anything. Still working. Managing to push through.