Thursday, May 20, 2010

Still Lingering....

The depression still lingers.  I try to fight it.....try hard, but it knocks me down most of the time.  I sleep a good amount of the day away.  Consumed by the desire to just give up and not face what is before me that day.  I struggle with ADL's (activities of daily living) which I have never really struggled so much with before.  I have always been SO RIGID with that.  I have always taken a shower at least once daily, brushed and flossed twice daily, put on make-up, styled my hair, etc.  The make-up and hair style have fallen off for about 2 years now, but the others have always remained.....however, now even they are missed at times.  It is hard to admit, but I just lack the energy and motivation to do it. food has gotten a bit odd as well.  I am counting calories....zeroing in on them.  Punishing myself if I go over my "allowance".  This has just occurred in the last week.  I will bring it up next week with my team....however, I am at a good weight.....I could even stand to I doubt it will be really a big deal.  The thoughts are there, however.  Sleeping through my morning meal on purpose.  Ignoring hunger signals.  I am not sure what to make of this.  It has been so long since I was restricting.....I am not sure.  Weight is fine, and will be fine even if I loose.  So am I tricking myself??  Am I lying to myself??  I feel disgusting.....FAT, UGLY, but I always feel that way.  I want to be skinny again.  Want to feel pretty again.  It's only been a week, though.....I am probably making a big deal of I always do.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


Nothing feels right in my life anymore.  I feel like giving in.  Resigning myself to living a life by myself, alone, without friends.  An old cat lady, dying alone, by herself.  Not a person in the world caring, or even knowing who she was.  I am hating who I am, where I have been, what I am doing, everything right now.  Don't want to believe in anything, myself, God, etc.  I don't understand why I am how I am.  Why I have to be this way.  Life has to be better than this.  Sleeping all day is not living.  Realizing, once again, that you are sitting on the bathroom floor with your head in the toilet is not living.  Feeling like the man you think you are in love with could not give a shit is not living.  So what am I supposed to do about it?? I don't know.  I can't seem to help myself.  I get spurts of good, but it does not last.  I work with my tx team but nothing seems to make things fully go away.  I want to be happy, it just doesn't feel in the cards for me.  I need a change.  But change is so scary.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Psych Hospital

I have something to share with you all. I want to let you know why I have been so absent on here the past few days, and so scatter-brained in general with everything the past month or so. I have been struggling a lot with my depression. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress with school, and now that I am using my ED behaviors less frequently, it seems that instead of taking the stress out in my ED, I am taking the stress out on myself.

Well, things all came to a head Monday evening. I was crying uncontrollably, and was inconsolable. I was panicing. I could not calm down and felt somewhat suicidal. I called my therapist and asked her if I needed to go into a hospital. She suggesed that if I could not calm down, I go. I could not. So in I went, to a nearby Psych ward for the night. I called the Psychiatrist on call at the practice I go to, and he also suggested that I go. It was a very humbling experience. I saw my Psychiatrist the next day on the unit, and he released me, after I had come to my senses and calmed down.

I have to say that depression is not something to mess with. It was terrible to go through that. I felt crazy. I still feel it was the right thing to do at the time to keep myself safe, but it was very scary. I never want to have to go through that again.

The whole experience has made me realize many things about myself and others.  Namely, that I need to NOT procrastinate so much and let stress build up.  It is because of procrastination that my stress levels got so high and I got so upset.  I need to learn how to budget my time better and work on things throughout the semester rather than putting things off until the end.

I learned a lot about my boyfriend during this time as well.  It was not a good time for us as a couple.  He does not seem to understand the deep sadness and pain I experience when depression hits me.  He does not understand how my depression comes on with stress.  I was not treated very nicely during this hospital experience.  Before I went, when I was uncontrollably crying he made me pay my rent, and then proceeded to talk on his phone most of the way to the hospital.  Once at the hospital he just dropped me off at the ER and left.  I will give him credit for keeping in touch with my parents through this experience.  However, when I called him the next morning, thinking I would not see my doctor until that evening (I really saw him about 1:30), and that because of that I would probably be staying another night, he said that he would have his sister, who works at the hospital bring me a change of clothes.  He also acted as though he was totally uninterested in coming to visit me during visiting hours.  I felt quite rejected, needless to say, by him through this experience.

So, when I was released that day and he came and picked me up (thank goodness), I decided to stay in Richmond that night to get a good night's sleep since I did not sleep well on the ward the night before and then come home to my hometown for the remainder of the week.  So I am here now with my parents and family.

Another tragic thing I have recently found out is that my Uncle, whom I spoke of on here last summer, who was diagnosed with Lung Cancer, and had gone into remission......well he now has Brain Cancer.  6 tumors in his brain.  1 the size of an egg.  There truely is no hope now.  Less than 6 months to live.  He had a seizure while I was in the hospital, and he has not been processing things right ever since.  It is so sad.  So much is going wrong......I just don't know how to take on all of this.  I am almost numb right now.  It's like none of this is really happening.