Still Lingering....

The depression still lingers.  I try to fight it.....try hard, but it knocks me down most of the time.  I sleep a good amount of the day away.  Consumed by the desire to just give up and not face what is before me that day.  I struggle with ADL's (activities of daily living) which I have never really struggled so much with before.  I have always been SO RIGID with that.  I have always taken a shower at least once daily, brushed and flossed twice daily, put on make-up, styled my hair, etc.  The make-up and hair style have fallen off for about 2 years now, but the others have always remained.....however, now even they are missed at times.  It is hard to admit, but I just lack the energy and motivation to do it.  Strangely....my food has gotten a bit odd as well.  I am counting calories....zeroing in on them.  Punishing myself if I go over my "allowance".  This has just occurred in the last week.  I will bring it up next week with my team....however, I am at a good weight.....I could even stand to loose......so I doubt it will be really a big deal.  The thoughts are there, however.  Sleeping through my morning meal on purpose.  Ignoring hunger signals.  I am not sure what to make of this.  It has been so long since I was restricting.....I am not sure.  Weight is fine, and will be fine even if I loose.  So am I tricking myself??  Am I lying to myself??  I feel disgusting.....FAT, UGLY, but I always feel that way.  I want to be skinny again.  Want to feel pretty again.  It's only been a week, though.....I am probably making a big deal of nothing......like I always do.