Thursday, October 29, 2009

Another hard week

Another week I've made it purging, but 1 binge. My dietitian wants me to up my calories and that freaks me out. She is afraid I am eating to little and I am actually going to slow my metabolism down. So I guess I can still count it as 10 days no purging. I am so tired all the time. I feel like I am just dragging my body around. Even small tasks feel like they take so much effort. I try to have a positive outlook, but it just isn't there. I am worried about my relationship with Micky. It feels like we are growing apart. I have intimacy issues. There. I said it. And it is hard. I don't think he feels loved by me, even though I love him so much. I don't know what to do about it.

Jo-Ann fabrics is a mad house. I work as hard as I possibly can to stay focused while I am there. I work mostly at night, which is weird, I don't think I like it. I don't like closing at least, because you and the others there are the ones left to put up all the fabric and crap that has been returned and just left around the store. I like getting the paycheck, though. So I will keep on. I've got to do something, or I feel like all I would do was lie in bed all day.

I have an update on my uncle who they told had terminal lung cancer. Well the chemo shrunk it. He had surgery yesterday and they think they were able to remove it. Thank you God, please continue to pray for him. He is in a lot of pain right now. I feel so blessed that he might still be able to be a part of my life for a much longer time than we thought.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Better Week

I have done better this week. Most likely because Micky came home on Tuesday, and surprised me by coming home a day early, but has been better. Definitely not to 100% but better. People around me can tell how worn down I am. Managers at work are constantly asking me "What's wrong?" I have to shrug them off and just smile and say, nothing, really, I'm okay. I am sleeping a lot, just not at night it seems lately. I get my highs at night, and can't sleep, so I sleep the mornings away. This week I have had to work all evening shifts mostly, so it has been hard for me to relax after work and slow myself down and focus on sleeping after my shifts. Last night I actually went to wal-mart at 11:00 at night. It was awesome, I had my rule of the store, but stupid me, I got to the checkout and realised that I left my debit card in my other pair of pants that were back at the condo. Micky brought me back a beautiful necklace from the holy land in Israel. I love it. It is absolutely gorgeous. My parents came down last weekend to visit me before Micky got back. They loved the condo. They took me out to lunch, which was kind of daunting, but went okay. Then I showed them where I worked, and they took me to Burlington Coat Factory to get me a winter coat because it has been cold in Richmond the past week and I haven't had a coat to wear.....and as we know, with winter coming, it is only going to be getting colder. I am getting worn out at work. I don't have my next day off until Monday. I work both days this weekend. At least I found out on the schedule for next week that I don't have to work Halloween. Supposedly it is a mad-house. I am happy about that. It will be the first Saturday I have had off since I started working there. All in all, I am feeling better. Tired most of the time still, but better. I haven't binged or purged in 3 days....which is good considering I had been doing it more frequently with Micky being gone. I hope to get a run started up again. So November 20 will be a month, we shall see how things roll.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Riding the Wave

I have spent the last week riding the deep dip in the wave of depression. Saturday I actually had to call in sick the depression got so bad, I could not get out of bed. However, I have managed to make it to every other shift they have put on me this week. I am proud of myself for this. I am allowing myself to be proud of myself for this. I am still struggling with eating and using symptoms, but during this time when the depression is so bad....I haven't done as awful as I have done in the past. I saw my psychiatrist and got a new medicine to try, so maybe some relief will come from that. I made it to group on Monday....I can congratulate myself for that. I got support from some wonderful ladies. I am reading in short bits, when I can concentrate the new book by Jenni Schaefer. I am reminded that recovery is about me. I have to stand up for myself against ED. ED's voice is there.....but I have the CHOICE to decide what to do. I can give in to him or stand up and fight. Of course that sounds simplistic, and I have fallen many times. But, it is a good reminder. I feel blessed to have a good therapist willing to see me twice a week, and an amazing dietitian who both work together to help me as much as they can. I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God lately. Since last summer, and my relapses into bulimia, and all the drug trials I went through.....I have felt very distant from him. I want that to change. I want to start going to church again. Developing a relationship with God again. I want to feel his love in my heart. Sometimes during the tough times I have challenged whether I believe or not, how God could do this to me, what an awful person I must be to deserve this. But I know all of this is not right. I know I believe. God is not doing this to me, it is just something I have acquired in this life, ED is not a punishment from God. God is loving, and wants a relationship with me. I just have to open my heart, which is hard for me to do, and allow him in.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Copy of an e-mail

Below is a copy of an e-mail I sent to my therapist and dietitian tonight. It pretty much explains how I am feeling right now:

"I tried to take both of your advice and push through the depression, but I didn't make it through tonight without binging and purging. I am so upset with myself. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I know I have to. I can't stop the tears, I feel so depressed. So Sad. Micky is gone, I have nobody to talk to. Please don't tell me to call one of the girls from group, I don't feel comfortable doing that. I want to sleep, but sleep will not come now. Plus I feel like it is too early to go to bed. I made a stupid stupid stupid decision an bought a scale today. I hate the numbers. I feel so fat. So ugly and stupid. I want out of this moment, out of this two week period of being alone. I am shaking. I want my life back. Or what is left of it. I just can't seem to get there. I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to breathe and take deep breaths but it isn't working. I feel out of control. I feel like work drains me because all I do is put on the "happy face" and grin and bear it for 8 hours, and that really takes it out of me. I don't know whether I have the strength to confront them about the hours they are giving me. I am going to wait and see what they give me next week. I feel out of control with my finances, like I am constantly having to ask my parents for money. I feel like I am spending too much money on things that I don't need. Maybe it is a compulsion. I have tried budgeting and it doesn't work because I don't follow it. I feel like I am a drain to my parents. I almost feel suicidal, but I don't think I would act out on anything. I am just having the thoughts. Now I feel like I am I am just going to end this. Thanks in advance if you can respond."

Comments welcome.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Not a good week

This week has not been a good one. I ended my streak of binging and purging. I had a 2 day period where I was in complete self-loathing and ended up doing it twice. I can't now guarantee I am quite back on track, but I have not had any behaviors yesterday or today. I feel a deep depression coming on me. Work is challenging, and I am starting to get that familiar feeling I seem to get with every job I work at after a month. That I hate it to death and I want to quit. But I know I can't. I have to keep at it. I can't be a quitter. The work is really not that bad. I am a little pissed that they scheduled me for 31 hours next week when I originally told them I wanted around 20, but whatever. I am just getting increasingly tired all the time and all I want to do is be in bed and sleep the day away. I don't want anybody bothering me. Micky is leaving for a trip with his brother this week and is going to be gone for 2 weeks. I am terrified. With nobody to keep me accountable, I am so scared of what is going to happen. I don't want my behaviors to run wild. I will have no communication with him whatsoever. He is my rock. At the same time, I want to prove to him that I can be okay alone. That I can succeed without him. So there is that added pressure. I want him to be able to have faith in me. To be able to trust me and depend on me. I feel like this is a huge test for me and I am so scared I am going to fail miserably. In order for us to get married one day, he is going to have to be able to know that I can be okay. The sooner I can show him that the better, in my book. I am in love with this man. I hope he loves me too.