Nothing yet.

Well, so it turns out my NP called me with the results of my MRI.  It showed nothing.  Everything looks okay structurally.  I feel it is somewhat of a relief and a curse at the same time.  On one hand I know now I don't have another cyst and don't have to go through surgery again, but on the other we are no closer to figuring out what is wrong.  I am still set to go see my endocrinologist on the 7th, next Thursday.  I am just praying she can give me some answers.  I know she will run tons of blood work and do tests that most docs wouldn't know to do on all the hormones and such, so I am thinking maybe something will show up.  If nothing does, I am truly at a loss.  I don't know what to think.  If nothing is wrong physically it must mean that all of these symptoms are part of my medication withdrawal, or just physical manifestations of my depression.  If that's the case since I am so far into stopping the meds I may as well continue....and see what happens as all the medications leave my body.  If the symptoms improve I will know that it was med withdrawal.  If they do not, I know it is worsening depression.  If the depression is causing all of these symptoms, I seriously think I am going to consider some inpatient tx for depression.  Depression really does seem to be the underlying cause of all my problems, and if it is what is making everything worse now, I feel that more intensive treatment is necessary.  I see all of my team today, I want to try to use my voice and speak up about this.  I think I will be able to with my therapist, at least to run the idea by her, and get a feel for what she thinks about it.  I just have a sneaking suspicion that Depression may be the underlying cause here.  Of course I am terrified at the same time that that might be the case because the last thing I want is to have to go into another treatment facility, but I want to keep people informed of what I am thinking.  I truly hope that it does not come to that.

Not much new.

It has been a little while.  Nothing very much is new.  I had my MRI yesterday.  I won't know the results until I see my doctor on the 7th, though.  It seems that I am noticing a bit of a cycling to my symptoms.  I go through days where I have trouble sleeping and then I go through days where all I do is sleep.  I feel some energy some days and then I feel none.  It is very odd, and usually happens every 3-4 days.  I am trying to keep track of it to see if there is any kind of pattern to it, or any specific triggers.  My therapist has me using positive affirmations to help me.  I have always thought that positive affirmations were really dumb, and useless, but this time I am trying to keep an open mind.  She told me that even if I don't believe them, just to read through a list we created together of ones I can tolerate.  It actually does seem to shift my mindset some when I am feeling down.  I never EVER thought I would be one to say that.  Just simply saying to myself that "this too shall pass" seems comforting in times of emotional distress.  I don't know why, but it does.  I suppose it gives my mind something else to focus on.  I am still on track to get off of my medications.  I decrease again next week.  I am trying to prepare for feeling sluggish and low again by making lists of things I can do and such during the times I do feel a bit better.  I am hoping it helps.  ED-wise I did have a slip last week, but other than that I am doing well.  My weight is stable, and has been for a long while.  Although I may not like my weight, at least it is not changing.  I am a bit worried about coming off of one particular medication that may cause me to gain weight when I come off of it.  I am trying not to think about it, but it does make me nervous.  Coming off of the medication can rebound in making my appetite go up and making my weight go up.  So it is scary for me, considering my weight is already high for me.  I am going to talk to my psychiatrist about it before we start decreasing it to help prepare myself and see what he expects to happen.  Hopefully that will help decrease my fears.

Where I am.

Just thought I would put an update out there about where I am mentally.  Things are extremely hard right now.  Not ED-wise, but depression wise.  They have continued to fall downward over the past few months.  I am so very tired all the time and just not wanting to be around anybody.  Everything, even activities of daily living seem like HUGE tasks to complete.  I have headaches daily, and can't make it through a day without napping.  I sleep usually 12+ hours a day.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know if it is a way of escaping the world, a side effect of coming off of the medications, or just another sign that my depression is getting worse.  I saw my NP about a week ago, and she suggested that I see my endocrinologist again....she is a specialist in Pituitary disorders.  When I was 17, I had a cyst on my Pituitary gland, which I had to have removed, and she was the doctor who followed me through it.  We have made an appointment with her, but it is not until October 7.  So I probably won't be getting any answers about anything until then.  I tend to seriously doubt if it this has anything at all to do with my Pituitary Gland.  It just seems that medically, I am completely stable and fine, I just feel awful, and no medicine can help me.  So I feel quite stuck and hopeless at the moment.  I seem to just be having a very hard time seeing the positives right now.  All I want is to just curl up in my bed and stay there.  I am trying to keep pushing through the days, but it is hard.  I am going to look for a job.....it is just hard to think about how I will ever be able to handle one, but it seems that it is what I must do right now.

Drop out.

I am now a community college drop out.  I couldn't take it.  Chem and Economics.....2 classes, and I couldn't do it.  I am so tired, I was already sleeping through both of them.  I'd already missed a class.  My therapist and I talked about it, and it seems that school just isn't in the cards for me this semester.  It is just too much to bear with all that I am dealing with right now.  My depression has worsened.  I am just barely functioning.  Nobody around me seems to realize that, however.  When I told my father this evening that I would be dropping my classes he went crazy.  I am going to try getting a job, where I can just do some menial task for a max of 20 hrs per week to earn money, since my dad is officially cutting off all money to me, although I am still allowed to live in the house it seems, and stay on insurance.  Whatever, I will just be a cheapskate.  It's better than torturing myself in 2 classes that I hate.