Saturday, January 30, 2010


We are snowed in! There is about a foot on the ground right now, and it is still coming down. The open house I was supposed to go to this weekend at EVMS was cancelled due to the weather. I was actually really disappointed about it. I really wanted to see my parents and see the school before I went down there for my interview. Now I am even more nervous about the interview because on top of feeling like I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where I'm going! But, I suppose things will work themselves out. My week has been okay. I have felt very tired this week, and it has been a real struggle to get the things done that I need to get done. My classes are moving right along. I have my first critique next Thursday. It is in Painting I. I think my painting will be ready, I just have no clue as to what to expect. Then I have another critique the following Tuesday in Drawing I. I am working on sketches for my sketchbook this weekend that our professor is going to check on this coming Tuesday. Some of them are really detailed. We have a lot of homework in that class. I have been able to find a sculpture class for the summer and a digital art class. They are going to be at John Tyler Community College, which is a lot farther away from me, but I am willing to go since they recommended I get in a sculpture class before I come. So at least I have that figured out. I am still on track with my b/p behaviors. So it has been a total of 53 days today :) Very happy about that!!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Just Because

This is sort of a post just because. I am posting to somewhat vent and out of a case of boredom as well, if that makes sense at all. I am tired again, and it is starting to frustrate me. I am really pushing through and not letting it get to me, but I AM tired. I feel like I am getting enough sleep at night, and good nutrition, but still the tiredness. I am hoping to just ride it out for a week and hopefully it will pass. It may be due to worry. This week has been full of it. Micky has had a rough week and it has made me worry about him a lot. I am worried about my upcoming interview at EVMS and my art classes and whether or not my pieces will be sufficient for the art portion of the interview. I suppose I just need to relax. It is so hard to do though. It frustrates me. Worrying gets you NOWHERE. I try to keep that mantra, but it is so hard to stop the thoughts. Deep breaths. Breathe. Anxiety still rising. I want it gone so bad. I am so freaking done with this crap. It just makes me want to burst into tears I am so frustrated. Not over the anxiety but over the frustration of it all. I will beat this. I will prevail. I will keep my 43 days and I will continue to add. I will not turn this into an excuse. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. Everything will be fine. No matter what happens with school, no matter what happens with Micky. I will live, and I will thrive. I still have myself. I have my family. I have my team. I have my friends. I don't have to beat up myself anymore, it is not worth it, it doesn't have to be an option anymore. Wow. Glad I typed this out. I need to keep re-reading this. This was helpful.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

40 Days

I made it through my first week of classes unscathed. I have 40 days under my belt now. I'll admit it, I'm pretty proud :) My classes seem really great but challenging at the same time. For my drawing I class I have to keep a sketchbook, and by the end of it I have to have over 40 drawings in pen & ink, like 30 in pencil, and also complete all of the big assignments. That feels overwhelming, but I think I can do it. The materials were so EXPENSIVE!!! I was blown away!! My painting class was the most expensive. We are learning oil painting. The professor only allowed us to buy a specific brand of paint, in numerous colors, which was expensive, and a specific brand of brushes which were even more expensive. I got it all, though. I am down to working just on Wednesday's now. I didn't even work at all last week, and only have 4 hours next week, though. I think that might be good, while I figure out how the classes are going to work and my workload, though.

I have absolutely fabulous news to share, though. I sat down to check my e-mail the other day and saw that I had an e-mail from EVMS. I immediately got really nervous, and didn't even want to open it. Finally I got the courage to open it, and I got and interview!!! I am SO excited. I go for my interview on February 12th. I am also going to their open house for the program on January 30th and my parents are going with me. I am so nervous for the interview. Especially because I don't have so much experience on the art side of things. I will by the time I get there, but not for the interview. I have to have a portfolio put together for the interview of 8-12 pieces. I know of definitely 4, maybe 5 that I have. So, I gotta come up with at least 3 more before then. I would really like to get an oil painting done, but I am not sure if I will have one by then. I need a pencil/charcoal drawing. I could use a sculpture, but I haven't taken a class. So I am just really nervous. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be, though....I just have to remind myself of that.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I just have to say it. I feel happy today. I have been having happy days for a while now. I don't want to jinx myself. But I am happy. Yay! I seriously haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel normal for once in my life. Like in the picture, I feel like I am coming out of the sea of 'blue'. I feel like I am developing a healthy relationship with food. It is by no means perfect, but I am nowhere near so obsessed with it. It is just a part of my life now. I started school yesterday. I really want to ROCK this semester. I am going to work my butt off. I want to learn. I want to get into this Art Therapy program. 37 days now, no B/P. Yes! I am learning slowly how to deal with down time. I feel like I am letting go. Finally learning to be me. Accepting me. I am so glad (at least right now) that I took this leap of faith and decided to go back to school.
Oh, and an update about that chest x-ray, high lymphocyte stuff....well I went to the doc on Monday, and it turned out my lymphocytes were completely normal then. I have to decide whether or not to even bother seeing the lung doc. I am mulling it over with my psych, to get his opinion and we will go from there. But that is great news!! The doctor there thinks it may have just been a virus I had or something. He wants me to come back in a month and he with perform a chest x-ray, to ensure that everything is okay. I am all up for going with that option and just cutting out the lung doc, but I am still going to get the opinion of my psych....cause he knows his stuff.

Friday, January 8, 2010

1 Month

Well....Guess what??? I have made it 1 month today, B/P free!! Hooray!! My goal now is to make it through the first week of classes B/P free. This week has been very tiring. It started out okay, but starting Wednesday until today I have worked 6am-10am, very short shifts, but just early enough to wear you out for the rest of the day. I was finally able to finish Micky's parents CHRISTMAS present yesterday, though. I know, I am WAY late. I feel terrible about it. But, better late than never I suppose. Now I have to finish my cousin's daughter's birthday present which was December 27th!!! Man I am behind. I really want to stay on top of things in my classes, though. I think things will be different there. When I have to get things done by a deadline or there are actual penalties, I think things will be different. I HAVE to stay on top of things because I really need to do well in these classes. The school I am applying to for art therapy contacted me this week and asked me where my letters of recommendation and transcripts where. I was don't know??? I sent off for them. Makes me really nervous. But I got it straightened out and I think things are okay now. After I heard too that the letters of recommendation don't have to be in until the end of the month it made me feel a lot better. I was afraid that I was actually already late or something. Nothing much other than that to report, really. Things are okay. I am excited about classes starting next week. I do wish, though that the professors would post the syllabi's on blackboard now so that I could go ahead and buy the supplies I need. I've bought some stuff, but who knows what other random things I'll need.

Friday, January 1, 2010


Happy New Year 2010!! Things are going along. I have not binged or purged since December 8th. I have reached my goal of making it to the new year. My goal now is to make it to January 8th, making it a month. I am taking baby steps. I find that making shorter goals is more manageable for me. When I set my expectations too high, I tend to get a bit overwhelmed and I fall. Christmas day ended up going okay. Not the great, amazing, Christmas I had envisioned, but again, I think I set my goal way too high. I did well, and things went well. Recovery is going good. Christmas eve was just a depressing evening, and I made it through, even though it was rough. I got to see my old therapist today and it was so good to see her, even though I had such a hard time leaving her. I got to update her on how things are going and what I have been up to. It was nice. Yesterday, I finished my application for EVMS, and submitted it. So that is done. It is now up to God whether I get in. If I do I am off to Norfolk in the fall. If I don't, no big deal.....I will try again next year, after the art classes are behind me, I have built up my portfolio, and perhaps had more time to do some volunteer work in the field. Sure I will be disappointed, but I can always try again. I start the art classes at the community college on January 12th, I believe. I am excited about it. I haven't taken art classes since high school, I have missed them!