Monday, July 26, 2010

A Taste

I have done it.  Gotten plastered.  Drunk.  Something I never thought I would do.  The room was spinning.  I thought I was going to pass out.  4 shots of Vodka.  That's all it took.  Neverland.  A taste of the unknown.  Where troubles dissappear and all you want to do is sleep.  A taste.  It scares me.  Terrifies me actually.  I never wanted to actually experience it.  Never wanted the opportunity for fear of what a tase of it could bring.  I must be careful.  Shelter myself.  Stop myself.  Never let myself do this again.  It is too easy.  It will become too fast an addiction.  I can so easily see the comfort in alcohol.  The longing for that feeling of being at ease and calm for once in your life.  I must stop now.  Plus, I think that the vodka with the addition of taking and ativan 1 hour before, and having an empty stomach just made things even worse.  I am just so damn anxious about this vacation I am on right now.  Now I am afraid I have unleashed something inside me much worse, much more terrifying.  Just another thing to cling to, another thing to have to obsess over, to keep my thoughts from killing me.  To keep my depression at bay.  This sucks.  Most likely, my guess is that I will keep control over this, and not let this ever happen again, however, having now let myself have tasted yet another monster, I feel dissappointed in myself.  I can see how I could fall so fast for it.  I want out.  I out of this addictive lifestyle.  I want to feel whole.  Feel worthy of something for once in my life.  Feel acceptable to somebody.  Feel beautiful, and wanted.  I am afraid that I will never feel these things in my lifetime.  I feel hopeless.  I don't know what I want anymore.

Friday, July 16, 2010


I am sorry for the lack of posting.  Days are hard.  I feel very unworthy of anybody's time these days, and don't want to take up space.  I know this is not true, but a feeling is a feeling.  Things are not matter how much of a happy face I put on, to try to trick people.  My parents seem to believe it.  I feel so so alone.  I am away from everyting.  I spend my days pretty much alone, except for the time I spend with my aunt, God bless her.  She tries her best to get me out of the house and take me places.  I don't feel able to get a job.  I am so tired all the time.  I can barely stay awake 6 hours and I need to take a nap.  My parents have their own lives and spend a lot of time with friends.  I just lay in my bed, wasting time.  Waiting on nothing.  Wasting my life away.  Nothing is fun anymore.  Everything that could be fun causes extreme anxiety.  The things I have to do each day just to live seem endless, and too much to bear.  Life is exhausting, and I am not even really living it.  Everyting is annoying as hell.  Yet at the same time I feel like I am apologizing for everyting.  I don't care anymore about what I look like or what I wear, because I feel like nobody cares.  My mind is either racing or moving so slow I can barely register what is happening.  Tears seem to fall, but I don't know why I am crying.  Life feels surreal.  I don't feel pain or joy, just numb....nothingness.  Blank space.