Hiatus

As you can probably tell, I have taken quite a hiatus from blogging.  Honestly, I don't really know if anyone is still following on here!  However, I do want to make a post.

The hiatus from June until now has been absolutely positive.  In fact.....ED is a very small part of my day to day life these days.  I have had no ED behaviors whatsoever since June of 2011.  Making the new year ring in 6 months behavior free.  Honestly, I just realized this a few weeks ago, as I had not really been keeping any count of anything....it just sort of snuck up on me.

I have been fairly engrossed in enjoying LIFE......rather than finding ways to self-destruct.  Sure, I will be completely honest, it hasn't been easy.....I still have days that I feel down, have crying spells, feel gross and ugly, but the reality is I am choosing NOT to let them define me anymore.  I just can't live my life obsessed with my weight and with unrealistic expectations of what I think I "should" look like.  It is not only unfair to me but it is unfair to everyone around me.

2011 has honestly been a wonderful year.  One of the best of my life.  I can finally say now that I am truly recovered, and it feels amazing.  Also, I am now ENGAGED!!  Which feels pretty darn good too.  He proposed on Christmas, and it was wonderful.  I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together and see how things unfold.

I am going back to school in January after FINALLY making up my mind on something.  I'm just going to stick it out.  I have come to the realization that, for me, a job is never going to be what fills me up everyday.  It is always going to be just a job.  I know that some people would argue that I just need to find the right thing.....however, if you would get to know me a little better, you would know that I've been there, tried that method.  That method resulted in my past of having changed majors a total of 6 or 7 times (I can't exactly remember them all) and having been at 4 different Universities and 3 different community colleges over the years.  My mind doesn't work that way.  My home life and family is always going to be what fills me up, and so I am going for a major and job that will hopefully result in a regular 9-5 job Monday thru Friday with weekends and holidays off.

My fiancee and I are hoping to be married at the end of May.  I know that is not a whole lot of time to plan a wedding, but we want a very small wedding.  We were originally hoping to go to Vegas and get married, which isn't totally out of the picture yet, but then my grandma wouldn't be able to see me get married.

So anyways.....that is a bit of an update.  I am hoping to maybe get on here once a month and update, just about how things are and what is going on in my life.  The blog will not really be very ED related anymore, but more of just entries about what I'm up to or into at that particular time.  I hope that everybody had a very Merry Christmas and best wishes for a Fabulous 2012 (if anybody is still reading!!)

Bad Days

Ugh.  I feel like something is not right.  For the past two months or so, I've been having days where I am so fatigued that I am having a really hard time shaking myself awake enough to get up and be a functioning person of society.  These "days" have become more and more frequent.  It's like I'm walking around in this fog all day, and I just can't shake it.  I have been doing a little bit of investigating, and I think it may be related to my blood pressure.  My went to the dentist on Tuesday, and my blood pressure was abnormally low, even for me, and I tend to run on the low side.  I think it may be contributing to the fatigue on the days I feel so down.  It's weird, though, because it only lasts for that day and then I usually can come out of it by the next day.  I don't know.  Even my Adderall doesn't help on those days.  As a result of feeling so fatigued, I also start to feel pretty depressed, and that is NOT good.  All those feelings of being worthless start to come flooding back.  Not to mention that I have been having horrible body image.  I e-mailed my doctor, but he wants to talk to me over the phone, and I have not been able to catch him yet.  I am hoping that we will be able to figure something out.  I bought a blood pressure monitor today, but I am a little leery of it after reading some of the reviews about the particular model I bought online.  The reviews online say it is not accurate....so I may be needing to buy a different model.  They are expensive!!  I went for the cheapest one I could find, and I guess that wasn't the best idea.  My pulse is abnormally high as well.  My doc thinks that my body may be compensating for the low BP by raising my pulse.....I don't know.  I am just hoping that it is not cardiac related at all.  It would really suck to find out that after all this time I actually have screwed up my heart, especially now that I am doing so much better with my ED.

Update time

Overall things have been going alright these past few weeks.  My new job has been keeping me fairly busy.  I've been working about 3-4 days per week, about 15-20 hours per week.  I like it a lot so far, and I feel like the people are all really nice.  I do the best job I can, and it seems to be good enough.  This past Saturday was a very long day for me, as I was scheduled to work 8 AM - 3 PM, which I worked, but then it turned out that the girl working the shift after me called off, and they couldn't find a single person to fill the shift!!  So they asked me if I would be willing to work some of it.  I was REALLY tired, but I felt horrible leaving just one girl there to attend to the entire store all by herself, so I agreed to work 5 PM - 9 PM as well.  Needless to say, it was a LONG day.  My feet were killing me by the time it was all over.

Not too much else is really all that new.  I have moved my appointments with my team down to once a month, which is a big step for me, and I am handling it okay.  It is actually kind of nice not to have to make that long drive so often.

I did see my psychiatrist a few weeks ago, and everything medication-wise is remaining the same for now.  Eventually, I would really like to come off of some of this stuff, to see if I really need some of it, but I think for now, my psychiatrist wants to be cautious, and just maintain me where I am.  I am having some weird symptoms that I think may me side effects of the meds, though.  I am starting to sleep a lot again, and I am not even on any sleep meds.  I am worried a bit about that.  Part of me worries that it is depression sneaking up on me, but I really don't think it is.  I am afraid that the Adderall is not working as well as it was, and the other meds are making me sleepy.  I don't know, though, because some nights, I can't sleep.

My current relationship is still going very well.  I am very much in love with him.  Honestly, it feels like we have known each other so much longer than just 4 months.  I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.  Don't get me wrong, things haven't been PERFECT, we've had our moments.....but all in all, everything is working great.  Living together is going well, and overall we haven't gotten too annoyed by each other's company ;)  I have found that I don't hold back around him, and allow myself to say what I feel.  I don't let things bottle up and stew.  I think that's part of the reason I feel like things are going so well for both of us.  He is definitely not afraid to say what he things or how he feels, so I guess it makes me feel the same way.  It's so much better that way!! 

Missing it.....and lost motivation

Sometimes, I will have days where I honestly miss my days of anorexia.  Sick, huh??  Not the pain of it, but other things.  The illness brings with it a certain security, and a simplicity.  There is a control aspect of it that is calming to me.  To have my life so regimented, down to each moment.....what I will do, eat, how I will exercise, etc. It brings a certain security.  I know that in all honesty this is also my OCD and perfectionism speaking, and that the days of my anorexia were really a hellish nightmare, but because I was so isolated at the time, I could basically control EVERY aspect of my life.  I had no friends, well.....at least no friends who would bother to actually stop by and force me out of isolation or break my daily "schedule".  I had "acquaintances", more or less.  Having so much control was somewhat of a power trip, and at times, I think I miss that aspect of the disease.  I think I tend to be a very all-or-nothing person.  I am either doing something 100% or not at all. 

The point of my post is that I think I have let myself become a bit of a slacker.....and no, I am honestly NOT being too hard on myself.  I think at this point in my life I still sometimes underestimate my abilities because I think of myself as "sick" or "severely depressed" Mary, not the person I am today......and I am not just talking about my relationship with food.  I know that I have been somewhat slacking in this area.....not really following any meal plan, perhaps over eating at times, and when I'm not really hungry, but it really applies to all aspects of my life.

During my recovery process, I've slacked more in school, in my organizational skills, and even in personal hygiene.  When I came back from Tx last, I slacked in school A LOT.  Not studying hardly at all.  I still passed, but didn't get the grades I usually got.  Organizationally, I am much more of a slob, and hygiene-wise, I've gotten a lot better, but at one point (about 2 years ago) I would go a day or two without taking a shower.  I know some of this was depression, but now, I feel like I am stuck in a funk.  Like I am still in the "depression mentality".

Honestly, I don't want to be a neat freak, clean freak, or a goody-two shoes in school, I don't need the pressure.  However, it would be nice to regain some of the motivation I used to have.  I feel as though I have done a complete 360 from the person I used to be.  It seems odd.  I don't know how to regain my old motivation.

Pendulum

I feel like a pendulum.  I feel like I am constantly swinging back and forth between different levels of behaviors or different situations that I put myself in.  For example, 4 years ago, I hit rock bottom with my weight/restriction.  I was inpatient, and on a high weight gain diet for 6 weeks.  I don't want to mention any numbers here, but it was bad.

However, at this point in my life, I feel I have swung to another extreme.  I am teetering on the edge of being classified as "overweight", according to charts.  Although my bulimia is somewhat under control, I feel like food is now something that I do out of boredom.  I notice that when I get anxious or bored, I tend to resort to food.  This is just equally as unhealthy.

It is just really disappointing to feel like you have done a lot of work, only to realize that in a way, food still has such control over your life.  I just want to be a normal weight.  I want to not obsess about food.  I want to be able to stop myself when I feel full, and only eat when I feel hungry.....why is that SO hard??

Update

Well, I must admit.....I have been a bit hesitant to write again because I had a slip up.  It seems to me that whenever I come close to approaching a big goal I set for myself I slip up.  I don't know if it is truely self-sabatoge or not, but at times it seems like it.

I have been a bit more stressed lately.  I finally found a job, and I have been in the process of gettin hired.  I will be working at the local Rite Aid store here.  I am extremely nervous about it, but trying to reassure myself that things will be fine.  It is just nerve-wracking because I know that I tend to get overwhelmed very easily, and I know at Jo-Ann Fabrics (my last job) I had a hard time.

I have been more weight-focused recently, I feel like I can't stop eating! I feel huge.  I have gained weight.  I feel yucky, but I am trying to tell myself I am okay.  That weight does not define me.  It is just hard sometimes.  Some days are better than others.  I have not restricted or used any behaviors other than that one time, though, which is good.

I've been more tired recently, but at the same time had trouble sleeping.....so I don't know what is up with that.  Sometimes I worry that another bout of depression is coming on, but up to this point, if it is another bout of depression it has been quite mild.  I am hoping to just ride it out for the next month or so, keeping myself on a schedule, and hoping it will pass.

Still Hanging Around :)

Well, I am still here.....I still have no job, though.  I've applied several places, just nothing yet.  Jobs seem very hard to come by these days, and especially in my area.  School is quickly approaching as well.  I called Shepherd yesterday, since they still have not scheduled an appointment for me with an advisor.  They told me that they are still working on my transcript evaluation, and should be completing it within the next 2 weeks, then I will be able to make an appointment with an advisor and sign up for classes.  I am a bit upset about this, since the registration for summer classes has already started.  I wish they would have been more on top of things.  I am also worried about what classes they are going to make me take.  I wish they would have just eliminated Gen. Eds, since I already have a Bachelor's degree, but it doesn't look like they are going too.  It looks like they are going to look at each of my individual classes and evaluate each one.

I am continuing to do well.  Spending most of my days doing things around the house or hanging out with my parents.  Wes is letting me redecorate some rooms in his house so it doesn't look so much like a bachelor lives there, so that's been fun.  I'm working on the family room/den right now.  We hung some new valances last night and they look nice.  I am getting things as I go, so it will be a work in progress.  We are planning on having my parents here for dinner one night soon, so I am excited about that.  We want to cook spaghetti for them......I know they like it, that's why I want to cook that....LOL.  It will be good though.

5 Months Today

I haven't been updating much about this because it hasn't been in the forefront of my mind much, which I think is a very good thing.  However, I think it is time to make an update.  It has now been 5 months since I have engaged in ANY form of Eating Disordered behavior.  Which includes: restricting, binging/purging, weighing unnecessarily, obsessing about food, all of it.  I am extremely proud of myself for this.  I feel like I am really done with the food crapola.  Yes, I will still have moments where it will briefly cross my mind, but it leaves just as quickly.  My therapist told me at our last appointment that once I reach the 6 month mark, there is a MUCH greater chance of it never occurring again.  I feel so proud to have made it 5 and plan on doing everything in my power to make it to 6, and then to a year.  If I do make it to the year mark, I will plan a BIG reward for myself.  I don't know what yet, but there will definitely be something big!!

My weekend in Morgantown went very well.  My boyfriend's family was exceptionally nice.  I met his parents and both his siblings (his sister & brother) also some of his uncles and a cousin.  I also met his sister's fiancee.  We went out to dinner on Friday and then helped his sister work on her house the she is remodeling on Saturday.   Sunday we went with his grandma to church and then came back home.  It was all-around a good weekend!  I am very glad that I faced my fear and went with it.

I am currently still doing well.  I have decided to take a big step and look for a part time job.  I think I can handle it at this time.  So far, I have applied at a local CVS, Rite Aid, and Hallmark store.  Nothing yet, but we'll see.  I plan on applying more places in the coming days.  Hopefully something will take.

Morgantown Weekend Ahead

I have a busy weekend ahead of me!  My boyfriend and I are going to his hometown in Morgantown, WV to visit with his family.  It will be my first time meeting any of them, so I am actually quite nervous about it all.  We are leaving Friday afternoon and coming back Sunday afternoon.  I suppose I am just scared that they won't like me.  Mostly I am just scared that I will come off snobbish because of the shyness.  Often, people take me for a snob because I am so quiet when I first meet them, when in reality my mind is going 10,000 miles per hour trying desperately to think of something to say.  I get so caught up in thinking of something to say NEXT that I loose track of what is actually BEING SAID, and I have trouble following conversation.  Hopefully, though, things will all work out okay.  My boyfriend says his family is really laid back, so hopefully that will put me more at ease with everything.

I am feeling much better....thank goodness!!  My strep is gone, so now I am just waiting on the mono to go away.  I am still tired, but it is slowly getting a little better.  The strep was so bad that just having that gone alone is a HUGE relief!

My dad is doing amazingly well after his surgery.  He continues to make huge progress.  Home health and home physical therapy services have both discharged him, so now he is to start going to physical therapy at our local Wellness Center.  He sees the doctor who performed the surgery next week for his check-up, and we are all hoping the he gives my dad the OK to drive.  We think he will, and his nurses do as well.

My grandma had her 92nd birthday this past Sunday!!  I can't believe she is 92!  She is amazing for 92.  I feel so blessed to have her still as a part of my life, and for her to be in such amazing health.  She is an amazing lady.  I look up to her a lot.  She has been through a lot in her life, and it is really inspiring to me to think about.  I can only hope that I one day make it to be her age.

Sick :( YUCKY!!!

Yep, I am sick.  I hadn't been feeling so hot, so I broke down and went to Urgent Care on Sunday morning.  I had a sore throat, and I thought it might be Strep, so when they told me that I did in fact have strep throat, I wasn't all that surprised, what came next, though, I was NOT expecting.  I have Mono, as well!! YUCK!  A double dose of sickness.  Yesterday and the beginning of today have not been so great.  I've felt really tired, and just down.  They put me on Penicillin, and I was afraid it wasn't working.  But later on this morning, I started feeling somewhat better.  I am so thankful!!  They told me it would take about 1-2 months to get over the Mono.  I am feel very lucky that I have this time to recover from it before I start school!

Things are going really well.  My dad is doing really well after his hip replacement, although I haven't been able to see him the past 2 days for fear that I will give him strep or mono.  After today, though I am not contagious anymore, so I will get to see him.  It is amazing how quickly he is recovering.  I am so proud of him.

Things with my boyfriend are going great.  We are planning a trip this summer to Memphis, TN.  To see Elvis' home, Graceland.  It should be really fun.  We are both really excited about it.  I am also looking forward to possibly going home with him to his hometown not this weekend but next weekend to Morgantown, WV to visit his family.  I know I will be really nervous, but I definitely want to meet them.

I am still excited about school starting.  I get nervous sometimes still about whether or not I am going to be able to handle it all, but I am just trusting that once I get into it, things will all fall into place.  I am actually considering the possibility of teaching in a private school now.....if teaching in a public school ends up not appealing to me.  I don't know, we'll see.  I know it will work out.  Everything so far is falling into place with Shepherd perfectly, so I know this just has to be right.

Doing Great!

I am doing really well, I am happy to report.  My boyfriend and I are doing great.  I am spending most of my time in Inwood, WV now.  We get along really well, we are serious when we need to be, but we have a lot of fun together too.  He is really funny, and just great to be around.  Our Valentine's Day was nice.  We went out to dinner and got each other gifts.  He got me a beautiful necklace.  It is my birthstone.  I have worn it almost every day since!  I made him a fleece Steelers blanket with 2 kinds of Steelers fleece.  He is a huge Steelers fan.  We've even been making dinners together, which is new.  We've been trying some recipes and cooking.  It's fun!

My dad went in for his 2nd hip replacement this past Monday.  He is doing really well.  He decided to go under spinal anesthesia instead of general.  General knocks you out a lot more.....so he wasn't nearly as sedated after.  On the day of the surgery he didn't have much pain at all and looked really good.  He said yesterday was the worst day for the pain.  I didn't get to see him because we got snow and ice and I couldn't drive.  I did spend a lot of time with him today, though, and he is in much better spirits.  He walked all the way down the hall and back and did really well.  The PT said he looks really good.  He is going home tomorrow, and I will definitely be there to help my mom with that.

My mom's birthday is tomorrow too!! Happy 58th mom!! We celebrated her birthday this weekend on Sunday, since we knew Thursday would be busy with my dad.  He is actually coming home a day earlier than we originally thought he would.  My mom was at home today while I was at the hospital waiting for Valley Health to drop off the hospital bed my dad will use while he is recovering.

I also have good news to report on the school front!  I got accepted to Shepherd!! So I will be starting this summer.  I still need to meet with an advisor, but I am definitely in.  I made the deposit last week, and told them I would be coming.  I am way excited about that!  Just a couple months, and I will be starting on my 2nd degree :)

Short Update

Things are going amazingly well.  I am kind of waiting to wake up or something.  I am a little disappointed, however, that I still have not heard back about the program I was hoping to get started on this summer.  I do know that now they have all my transcripts.  They said on Monday that it would be approx. 10 business days and I would hear something, but they keep telling me that they are working on my application for Fall 2011, and I keep telling them I applied for Summer 2011.  I wrote them again today, so hopefully it will be resolved.  I really want to start this summer if at all possible.  I need to talk to an advisor, too, because I want to know if having my bachelor's in Psych already is going to erase the need for me to do the gen. eds all over again, or if they are actually going to look at specific classes and make me take their requirements for gen. eds.  I really hope they just erase the gen. ed. requirements, because I really don't want to go through all that again!  But, we shall see.

Things with my new boyfriend are going well.  We have a lot of fun together, and he has a really good sense of humor.  He even came to church with me Sunday :)  I was excited.  He got to meet my family too and they liked him.  I think my church took him a bit out of his comfort zone, as he is used to a traditional Methodist service, and my church is much more contemporary, but he said he liked it.  We watched the Super Bowl together on Sunday with some of his friends.  He is a big Steelers fan so it was kind of disappointing for him, but it was fun to watch and meet some of his friends.  So things are going really well.  I really like him a lot, and can see things going somewhere.

Third time's a charm?? hopefully??

So, I told myself that after my most recent break-up I would not try another relationship for a while.  Well, sometimes what you tell yourself, is not exactly how things work out.  A bunch of things ended up happening that made me change my mind.  I decided to have one last go at this.  I met a new guy.  He lives about 25 minutes away in West Virginia.  He is 5 years older than me.  He owns his own home and has a steady income.  He is kind, good to me, cares about me, and makes me happy.  I like that he texts me through the day, talks to me on the phone, and that I haven't scared him away with my past.  He has been nothing but sweet, gentle, and understanding.  I can actually see a future with him.  I can see this working out.  I feel safe when I am with him.  I am being more guarded this time.  I am not allowing myself to fall so hard so fast (although it is difficult).  Thinking about him makes me smile, and I think that is a great start.  Sure, I still have broken feelings from last relationship, but they are starting to heal.  I am realizing that I can't go around chasing someone who can not be there for me in the way that I want them to be, and I can't wait around hoping that one day they might be.  I have to live in the present, and although it might still hurt sometimes, as my feelings grow for this new guy, I believe that the feelings from the past hurt will lessen.  If I fall flat on my face, I will be alright.  I have friends and family who will help me find my way again.

Winter

I have officially decided that winter is NOT my thing.  I don't like it.  It's cold, and it makes me want to coop up and stay inside all day under my covers.  I much prefer spring.  I am not a big fan of really hot summers either.  I wish there was a place where it stayed around 72-75 all year.  That would be perfect.  Sorry, just a rant.  It is snowing here right now, and as I sit here on my couch watching it, it just makes me depressed.  Snow makes everything more complicated.  You don't want to go out because you have to spend forever cleaning off your car, and then you have to drive all slow, etc.  Just a hassle.  I know I am being frustrated, but I am frustrated at the moment.  I am anxious because I have a feeling of depression and that makes me anxious.  It makes me anxious that it will start an downward spiral that I won't be able to stop.  I don't really know what exactly triggered this one, I have some ideas, but don't know for sure.  I am really trying to fight it off, but it's not working out for me so well.  I stayed in bed until 11:30 AM today, until I got so fed up with myself I forced myself out.  It seems as though the new medication is not working as well as it was and that is terrifying. I don't know if I need a higher dosage, but I don't want to top out.  I know it is not my recent decisions that are triggering the depression, I am still very excited about going back to school and want to do it very badly.  I guess I just feel lonely in a way.  I crave attention that people can not give me.  Perhaps it is all in my head.  I don't know.  I don't know what I need.  I need something though, that I am not getting right now.  I've been crying a lot recently, not really knowing the motivation behind it, just being sad.  There is a hole inside me that needs to be filled with something, I don't know what yet, but something.  Perhaps this program I am starting in the summer will be the answer...I am not sure.

I think I might have stumbled onto something.....

I think I may be getting somewhere here.  I've been doing some digging.  The only thing I can go back to in my life that I have always loved is Math.  I've always been good at it and always loved it.  Loved solving the problems, and knowing that each problem has a definite answer.  It was always so much easier for me than English, for example, where answers to questions are much more vague, and can come in various different forms.  Math is much simpler.....it's either wrong or it's right.  So, what can you do with math?  I've come up with 2 possibilities: be and accountant or teach.  I know I don't want to be an accountant.  So.....teach!  I will have to teach grade 5+, because that's when you become specialized in the different areas in school.  I, however am actually thinking of teaching High Schooler's.  Algebra I or II preferably, but we will see what comes my way, and what happens.  I am applying to Shepherd University, which has a Math Education program......where I can get everything I need.  Typically the program takes 4 years for a student to complete, but that is for an undergraduate coming in with NOTHING.  I am hoping, that with my bachelor's in Psychology, I will have at least some of the classes out of the way.  I do not, however, know if the math classes must me taken in sequence, meaning I can only take one after taking the previous one.  The same goes for the Education classes.  I am hoping that I will be able to start this summer.  It is actually all very exciting to me.  My nerdy self, I can't wait for the math classes.  I feel like this is an answer to prayers.  I know it may seem like it was obvious......since I liked math all along, I've just always been scared of teaching.  I just feel like it's time to break out of the shell, though.  I know I can do it.  I love the subject enough, I know I have the passion to share it with others.  I feel like this is what I have been waiting for.  I am terribly nervous about talking to my parents about it.  They do not even know I have applied to this college.  I am going to talk to them about it tomorrow.  They had originally wanted me to get a job ASAP, with benefits, something that I could start out in, and work my way up.  I just feel like that is not right.  I have a gut feeling that is not going to work out.  I am trying to follow these feelings, because they don't usually happen by mistake.  I feel like when I say "gut" feelings, I am really mean nudging from God.  I think we have gut feelings for a reason, and that God is speaking to us through them.  I am not saying that they are always 100% correct, but they are probably leading us in the right direction most of the time.  I just don't see myself in a job right now.  I honestly don't see myself getting hired in the first place.  All I have to offer is a Bachelor's in Psych......that's not so much these days.  Regardless, I want to get into this program, and I want it bad.  I want these classes.  I want to feel like I am productive again, and doing something I like doing.  I don't want to be just be immobilized here at home anymore.  I'm sick of it.  I want to get out there, put myself out there.  I know it's going to be scary, and I'm going to feel really anxious at first, but something has got to give here.  I've gotten too comfortable where I am.  I need to break out of the comfort zone, and start really living.  That's what God wants for all of our lives.

God is Working

God is working in my life.  Things are going well.  Ever since that day, last week, I have continued to stay positive.  I am still without any ED behaviors, almost 3 months now.  I am not going back.  I made a very big decision this week that I have been praying about.  I decided to join the new church I have been attending.  I went to the new members class, and I could just feel God speaking to my heart to join.  The pastor is AMAZING.  I also went to the Ladies night and a bible study the next two nights.  I really enjoyed it.  I really liked meeting some people my age, and learning more about God's word and the Bible.  I have always loved learning about the Bible, but have always felt somewhat hesitant to do it on my own for fear of becoming misguided due to lack of my own understanding.....but now I feel so empowered!  I feel like I have the tools in place to really learn and dig into the word.  I am very excited about it.  I am discovering what the word says about loving yourself, and not being anxious.  It is really starting to help me and sink in.  I know I will never be perfect, but it is helping ease some things.....slowly but surely, I know I am going to get there.  It was so awesome, too, because I have really been thinking about where I want to go in life, since I have given up the Art Therapy.  What is my passion?  Where is my heart?  I just felt really confirmed last night at Bible Study because the topic was just that.  It was on finding your passion and what that should feel like and be like for you.  I did not get a revelation in the class all of a sudden of what I wanted to do, but the class gave me a lot of hope.  That God will and wants to reveal my passion to me, and that he will.  I just have to keep praying and searching, and I will find it.  Also, that the road to finding my passion may not be a straight one.  There may be twists and turns along the way, but I will find it!  It was just very positive, and really helped me to feel like I was doing the right things.  So I am still on the hunt for my passion, but feel like I am making progress.

Its a long story...

The past two days have been so bad, but so replenishing at the same time, I don't even know where to begin.  First of all, Art Therapy is out.  I've dropped all the classes, I'm not doing it.  I can't fathom the thought of 2 more years of college, let alone the classes to get there.  I went to my first class, Wednesday night, and came home in tears.  I just couldn't do it again.  No more school for me.  7 years for a bachelor's is enough!  Secondly, my boyfriend and I broke up.  Yes, things had been going so well.  He is still my friend.  He broke up with me to allow me to live my life, get things in order and give me time to find and love myself.  Needless to say, the process of dropping classes and breaking up took quite a toll on me emotionally.  I felt very directionless and very alone.  I felt like my world was crumbling around me.  In an act of pure stupidity I proceeded to take 8 Ativan.  Immediately realizing the stupidity of this act, I called my therapist, my mom, and went to the ER.  The ER treated me like dirt, and I ended up leaving after 3 hours with no treatment or counseling.  I slept off the effects of the medication in 12 hours, without needing to go back.  I feel so much remorse for the pain I caused my family, my friends, and myself throughout that process.  I was thinking only of myself and it was purely stupid.  Today, after sleeping in bed until 12 AM, and fighting with my parents who were just trying to look out for me, I came to a revelation.  I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.  I AM IN CONTROL.  I CAN HANDLE THIS, AND I CAN BE HAPPY, I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IN TO MISERY.  It is so true.  Just because my circumstances may have stunk at the moment, it doesn't mean I have to do something like that.  I immediately got out of bed.  Turned all of my meds over to my parents and gave them big hugs and apologized.  We have a plan.  We are meeting with my therapist next week.  I will NEVER, EVER do anything like that again.  My ex is miraculously still my friend.  He is that kind of a person.  I am still blessed beyond measure.  Things could have been so much worse for me.  I am planning on getting a job as soon as I can find one that I feel comfortable in (full-time).  After that, finding my own house.  My parents and I are shooting for the end of the year for these goals.  I think this sounds reasonable.  I am feeling so much more positive today it is unbelievable.  I feel like a new person.  I plan on getting involved in church more.  Things can and will look up for me again, they are already.  I have to think positively, and be happy with myself.  I am accepting who I am. I was not born to be an art therapist, and that's okay.  I will do great things with my life, in whatever area I choose to go into.  God wouldn't have it any other way!! There is no way that I have been through what I have been through to do something halfway for the rest of my life.

Someone New :)

I have met someone new.  Amazingness.  That is all I can say right now.  He makes me smile, warms my heart.  I am trying SO hard not to fall to hard to fast like last time, but with this guy, it is almost impossible.  He is what I have been looking for.  A Christian with a gentleman's heart.  He opens doors, jokes with me, calls me, texts me throughout the day, he is special.  Honestly, I have never felt this way about someone before, and it makes me extremely nervous and excited at the same time.  I know that I go into relationships with my heart.  I KNOW this, but it is so hard to STOP and think logically when you are like me and you lead with your heart.  We have had 2 dates, we are having our 3rd on Friday, but we have been talking on the phone since before New Years.  He is a real sweetheart.  Honestly, something I had my doubts about ever being able to find.  As an added bonus, he is quite good looking as well! :) Just great all around.  I seriously can NOT wait until Friday.  I just had to get this all out somewhere.  I am so excited about getting to know him more.  I am thanking our amazing God for bringing him into my life.  I am so blessed.