I feel like a pendulum. I feel like I am constantly swinging back and forth between different levels of behaviors or different situations that I put myself in. For example, 4 years ago, I hit rock bottom with my weight/restriction. I was inpatient, and on a high weight gain diet for 6 weeks. I don't want to mention any numbers here, but it was bad.
However, at this point in my life, I feel I have swung to another extreme. I am teetering on the edge of being classified as "overweight", according to charts. Although my bulimia is somewhat under control, I feel like food is now something that I do out of boredom. I notice that when I get anxious or bored, I tend to resort to food. This is just equally as unhealthy.
It is just really disappointing to feel like you have done a lot of work, only to realize that in a way, food still has such control over your life. I just want to be a normal weight. I want to not obsess about food. I want to be able to stop myself when I feel full, and only eat when I feel hungry.....why is that SO hard??