Pendulum

I feel like a pendulum.  I feel like I am constantly swinging back and forth between different levels of behaviors or different situations that I put myself in.  For example, 4 years ago, I hit rock bottom with my weight/restriction.  I was inpatient, and on a high weight gain diet for 6 weeks.  I don't want to mention any numbers here, but it was bad.

However, at this point in my life, I feel I have swung to another extreme.  I am teetering on the edge of being classified as "overweight", according to charts.  Although my bulimia is somewhat under control, I feel like food is now something that I do out of boredom.  I notice that when I get anxious or bored, I tend to resort to food.  This is just equally as unhealthy.

It is just really disappointing to feel like you have done a lot of work, only to realize that in a way, food still has such control over your life.  I just want to be a normal weight.  I want to not obsess about food.  I want to be able to stop myself when I feel full, and only eat when I feel hungry.....why is that SO hard??