Oh dear....

I went for my appointments Friday.  They did not go so hot.  The dietitian appointment was alright, but the one with my therapist was iffy.  I think I was almost hospitalized.  She called my parents after the session and warned them that I was borderline suicidal, and should not be left alone.  So, off to my grandma's I went for the weekend.  My parents just bought a vacation home in Berkeley Springs, WV, so they were there this weekend with some friends.  Treatment is not so much on hold as it was.  Because of some problems with my Chemistry class, I had to switch sections and so now I only have classes on Tues/Thurs.  So I can go to tx. more frequently, although perhaps not once a week still because of the tiredness.  I am still sleeping a lot.  The sleeping is so very spastic, though.  My sleep/wake cycle is very messed up, so I will sleep a lot during the day and then not be able to sleep at night.  I have still not decided how frequently I will be making the trip to see my treatment team.  I think my parents are still, despite the warnings a bit clueless as to how low I am feeling at times.  They are checking on me more often though, I will give them that.  I am hoping that things will get easier, with all that has gone on in the past few months, it scares me to still think they could possibly get worse still before they get better.  I just hope that things do start to settle down some.

Balance

I know I am posting a lot. Don’t bother reading if you don’t want to. I think it is mostly out of boredom, and feeling a bit lost at the moment. I can’t believe that school is starting in just a few days. Summer is already over. Chemistry, Economics, and Ceramics I on the way. Panic attacks, stress, and so much more also on the way. Hopefully no hospitalizations this semester. I just don’t feel much like going through with anything much right now. I have no motivation for life. I am not excited about anything. Just blah. Days seem so hard. Every day something bad happens, and just ruins the day. Bad things have been happening since March. My MeMaw died, uncle diagnosed with brain cancer, I was hospitalized, uncle free of brain cancer but has new growths in lungs, today my grandma and I find my aunt’s 10 year old dog dying in cardiac arrest, she passed away 10 minutes later. My grandma was crying, I was crying, my aunt was crying, my uncle was near tears. My dad came home drunk tonight. He is not mean or anything when he is drunk, just goofy, and hard to deal with, and not something I am up for dealing with right now. I am being forced to put my treatment on hold because my care providers can not work Fridays. So, after all of this, whilst coming off my meds, I have no therapy or dietitian. My mom is dieting. Constantly checking and counting calories wherever we go to eat. I will admit, my mom does need to loose weight for health, but I wish she wouldn’t shove it in my face. I am joining a gym with her tomorrow, so she will have someone to go with. We get “assessed” tomorrow. I am terrified they are going to tell me to loose weight. That will be the icing on the cake. I know they are going to tell me that, though, I know I’m fat. I am being completely logical. I am at the top of my “normal” BMI, they are going to want to lower that. There it is. I said it. Yes, I am a fatass. I have totally turned into one. From anorexic to fatass. I never expected that of myself. I always thought I would have more control. In tx the last time I realized the other day, I gained about 45-50 lbs. Disgusting. I seriously disgust myself. I realize that at my old weight I was not healthy, but I feel like at this weight I am not healthy either. Why can’t I just find a happy medium? It feels like I just can’t do anything right. I can never find a balance, I am either over or under doing it. In everything. School, food, my mood, self-care, organization, everything. NO balance at all.

Treatment on HOLD

Well it seems that treatment, for me, must go on hold for a while.  This coming semester, the only day I can schedule appointments is Friday.  Little did I know that neither my dietitian or my therapist work Friday's.  The 5 hour trip there and back (round trip) will not work any other day.  So, yeah.....I am pretty frustrated, but at the same time, it a secret way, glad it will just be over.  Glad that now I have nobody to be accountable to.  This is a sick way of thinking, I know, but yes, I must admit I have thought it.  There is nobody else around here I have any desire to see, and I don't even know of anybody around here willing to work with somebody with a history like mine.  I am still coming off my meds.  So I will be seeing my Psychiatrist less often eventually as well.  Part of me is scared, part of me is happy.  It is a weird feeling.  I may see my therapist for one last session, but that will be it.  At least until the end of fall semester.  I don't know.  We'll see.

Lately

Lately I have been so tired I can not keep my eyes open.  Yesterday I slept from 11 am - 8 am today.  I finally gave up and went in to Urgent Care to have blood work done.  Low potassium and dehydration.  Nothing severe, however.  No need for IV's or anything like that.  Just drink water and eat bananas.  Funny thing about that is, I have been using no ED behaviors.  For like a while now.  Like, weeks.  Maybe a month.  Don't understand that one, but whatever.  I am still very tired.  The doc thinks it may be coming off the meds.  The first one I came off of was a breeze, this second one, however is proving to be tricky.  The next one I have to go off of is going to be a huge pain as well because I have to come off of it so slowly.  It is going to take 9 weeks to get off.  Painfully slow.  I wanted to be off of them all in that time.  I know I need to be more patient, but I just want to be done.  I don't know how I am going to make my appointments in Richmond this week.  I am so tired, I don't know if I will be able to.  I am extremely worried about school starting.  It starts next Monday.  How will I be able to keep up with classes if I need to sleep more than half of the day?  Especially a class like Chemistry?  Ugh.  I feel like my body is just giving up on me.  It is so used to meds, it doesn't know what to do with out them.  I have been on some type of psychiatric med or another since I was 13.....I just am scared how my body is going to handle all this.  I know I want to get there, though.  Be free of the medicine.  It is not doing any good anymore, and I am sick of it.  I feel like I am flooding my body daily with all of these chemicals, and yet they are doing me no good.  I will get there.....slowly but surely, sooner or later.  I just wish the process and withdrawls were easier.

Depression Hurts. Antidepressants don't help.

I am going to be working my way off of all of my meds.  Slowly, but I will be coming off of them.  I do not see the point in staying on them any longer when there are no benefits.  I am just putting chemicals into my body daily with no relief of my symptoms.  I am still depressed, still anxious, still apathetic.  In some ways, I feel like things are worse than ever.  My ED symptoms are almost non-existent, although I battle with thoughts daily and my body image is in the pits....which causes me to not want to practice very good self-care.  Meaning, I don't really do my hair, make-up, dress nice, etc. because I just figure I look so disgustingly fat and ugly no amount of make up, styling, or clothing is going to hide it.  I feel like I am meant to spend the rest of my life alone and suffering.  I was just not made to be happy.  Not wired that way.  I know that this is very negative thinking, and some would call it a self-fulfilling prophecy...but it is how I feel.  I am going to say this, and I know it is going to hurt some people, but seeing my friends getting engaged, married, talking about their significant other has caused me so much pain it is almost unbearable.  It fucking hurts.  Why the hell am I not good enough for someone to love me?  But I guess it's not meant to be like that, and I know it's not their fault.  Of course they are happy.  I would fucking die if a guy even showed any interest in me.  I am turning bitter.  Bitter and old.  I am almost 30. 30! I should have children by now.  I should have a steady paying job by now.  I should NOT be living at home with my parents, still mooching off of them.  This is pathetic.  I am still struggling to decide even what I want to do.  Art therapy is not final now.  I am considering other options.  I've got to make more money than that to make it on my own.  I am thinking Pharmacy now.  Probably another 4 years of school.  I will never retire.  I just want to disappear.  To have never been born.  I was a big mistake.

Why?

I don't know what I did wrong.  I feel like my psychiatrist is really pissed off with me.  I told him I wanted to stop my meds.  They aren't helping anymore and I feel like I need a break.  My thinking was that he would actually give me some kudos for telling him and not just doing it on my own.  noooooooo.  I mustered up the courage to tell him near the end of the appointment, and he pretty much just shortly told me what I could decrease and sent me out the door crying.  I barely made it to my car before I started sobbing.  I've always really liked him too, so it just really hurts my feelings.  Makes me WANT to now just stop everything and say screw it.  If he doesn't care, why should I?  I actually e-mailed him when I got home about it and he gave me this line about being "taken aback" because I told him at the end of the visit.  Whatever.  He has never been one to follow the strict rules and parameters of a 30 min appointment time, so I don't understand why he didn't take the extra 5 minutes with me to let me calm down.  He did start out the visit by telling me that he was getting shorted money though, because I had seen my therapist that day too so he would have to charge me for just a "medication visit", whatever that means, he will be shorted $10-15.  So I started off the damn appointment feeling guilty enough.  I guess that seeing him since 2005 means nothing to him.  I hate having to take crap off of people that are supposed to be helping me.  It shouldn't be like this.  This is stupid.  I don't know why I even care so much.