Friday, October 22, 2010

The days drag on

My days just seem to keep dragging along.  Still spending most of my time in my bed.  I have my Family meeting with my therapist next week, so we will see what comes of that.  I know that she is going to encourage my family to start trying to get me out of my room and more involved with them.  This is going to cause some major conflict.  I know it is all good for me, but I just feel so low right now, I just don't feel like doing anything.  I don't want to be around people.  I tire so quickly that doing things just wears me out.  I can't focus long enough to watch more than an hour or so of T.V. so spending time downstairs with my family that way doesn't work so well either.  My psychiatrist is not recommending inpatient depression treatment at this time.  I honestly don't know why, with how I am feeling, but he isin't.  He mentioned something about a clinical trial or something but I'm not really feeling that.  I don't feel like being a lab rat.  I just really have my doubts that things are going to get better for me.  People keep telling me that this is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life and it just makes me so angry.  I don't want to deal with this the rest of my life.  I don't think I can stand it.  If things don't get better, I seriously doubt I am going to be able to take classes in the spring or go to school in the fall.  I had a very terrifying thought the other day and it made me realize just how low I really am right now.  My dietitian was talking to me and she said something to the effect of "Well in 5 years from now...." and the only thing that I could think was......In 5 years from now, If I'm not better, I'm going to be dead.  It was a hard thought to think, but it was the first thing that popped into my head.  I just hope that things can get better, because I don't know how to get out of this huge hole I have dug for myself right now.

Monday, October 11, 2010

It's Bad

It's getting worse.  My appointment with my endocrinologist was a complete waste of time.  She basically told me it was all my depression and that she suspected that hormones did not have anything to do with it.  She did run some blood tests which she will be checking on this week, but I don't expect much.  On top of now feeling like I am letting the depression fully control my life, some of my Eating Disordered thoughts and symptoms have started to come back.  I have started restricting my intake again......loosing weight slowly.  Finding joy in watching numbers go slowly down.  This has been all in the past two weeks.  It's like I can feel something rising up in me again.  My parents have yet to notice, as nothing is really noticeable yet.  I suppose I am finding relief in one aspect of my life I can control at the moment.  The depression is so overwhelming, so debilitating, food is something I can focus on, count, limit, monitor.  I honestly don't know what to do right now.  I can not get a job right now.  I sleep 12 plus hours a day and get exhausted from doing the smallest of tasks.  I am weak.  It takes all my energy just to pull myself out of bed in the morning and take a shower or get dressed.  It has been this way for a long while now.  I feel like I am an old woman.  I probably spend 90% of my day in my bed.  It's like there is a haze around me that just will not lift, no matter what I do.  It's like I am just floating through life.  Not really present, because I am too stuck in my head.  Sometimes at night I will have panic attacks when the thoughts get too overwhelming and I just won't be able to stop crying.  I just wish I had something, some key to make it all go away.  My motivation is so low.  I feel like I have tried so many things, I am just exhausted, and skeptical of trying anything else.  I am loosing hope fast, if I haven't lost it already.