It's been a while...

Been a while since I last posted. Things have been going alright. I officially have made it to my mom's birthday without B/P, so as of today it will have been 82 days without B/P!! The longest I have gone since leaving my last tx center. My next goal is to make it to 100 days. That will be March 18. It has been a very stressful week for me. I had a painting assignment that was assigned Tuesday that was due Thursday. It was a mess. I got a horrible critique. I was very disappointed. I know it is a learning process, but I don't think that my professor needed to bash my work as much as he did. I am worn out with this stuff. I did receive a letter from the Art Therapy program and I am now on a wait list until they get in all of their March interviews. Once they do that they will make a final decision about my status. I have been very tired lately and I am not so sure why. Just blah. I am trying to follow my meal plan, but I feel as though I am overeating, like for real. I just need to get back on the plan and stick to it. Not stray so far off that I loose track of everything and end up eating more than I need to. Micky and I got a puppy!! That has been one good thing in my life lately. His name is Spike. I will include a picture of him. He is a little Maltese. He is SOOO cute. He has a great personality and is great for us. Love it!! I am really looking forward to spring break from school already!! I think we get a week off and I know it is in March. I need to look up exactly when it is. Things will hopefully go better with classes and such this week. I have some drawing assignments due the week after this coming week, but nothing due this week except for something for my design class. I want to start having some energy again, and I want winter to GO AWAY!!!

Art Therapy Interview

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

This quote basically describes my interview today. I was faced with many obstacles. To start out, Micky and I got completely lost getting there and I arrived 10 minutes late. 3 of the 4 other girls there were Art majors, and the other an art minor. I the lone one who did not have an art background. We had to present our art portfolios in front of the other girls there. I was floored, as I had included pieces from my treatment. I had to state in front of all those women and faculty that I was in recovery from an eating disorder. Explain the piece, and move on. I almost started crying, but I made it through. My art was NOT sufficient. It did not measure up to that of the other girls work. I felt completely ashamed and inadequate. The actual interview was equally as humiliating. The faculty who interviewed me point blank told me she was afraid that I would relapse if she admitted me into the program after hearing my history. She asked me my lowest weight and then had the nerve to actually ask me what I weighed. Of course, me, put on the face and answered like a "good girl". It was only after that I actually feel so upset about this process. I loved the program, and the faculty were actually very nice, except for those remarks, which I understand they would be concerned about, but then.....why give me an interview?? I discussed it in my personal statement when I applied. I feel very disappointed. I want to go to this school so bad. I want to be an art therapist. I am not going to let this effect my food. However. I am upset about it. I am acknowledging my feelings. When will my past stop haunting me??

Quick Post of Drawing

As I promised, here is my charcoal drawing that I did for my Drawing I class. The class critiqued it yesterday. It went well. Of course, mine was critiqued first!!! I was freaked out about that, but it went just fine. The experience was totally different from that of the critique for my painting class, but good just the same. I got some good feedback and I know what I need to work on. I am preparing today for my interview.....just 2 days away. Micky and I have decided to go down to Norfolk tomorrow night and spend the night in a hotel, in order to not have to rush so much Friday morning to get down there by 9:00 for the interview. So that feels a bit better. So I am still anxious, but hopefully the preparation I do today will help. Please pray for me on Friday if you do that type of thing!!

60 Days!!

Guess What!! 60 days today B/P free!! I am doing this!! Yes! I am so proud of myself. Yes I have had urges, and yes there have been times that I have been so close......but I did NOT give in. I am determined to make it to make it to my mom's birthday. February 24th. The big day. That will be 78 days. That will make my longest run since leaving CFC. I feel like it will mean a lot to her to be able to tell her that I have made it that long and that it is the longest period of time I have gone since leaving treatment last. I REALLY want this. My longest period before this would have been 75 days. I feel like I can make this happen. So exciting.

Art classes are going well. I survived my first critique. It was not nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. My professor told me that my painting was very good for a first oil painting. I could have used a bit more range of value, and made the brick the the picture more realistic, but a very good effort, so I am satisfied. I feel like I can learn from this and move on to the next project. I have my next critique on Tuesday, for Drawing I and I am working on that Drawing currently. I am planning on posting a pic when I finish. It is charcoal media. We are drawing a crowded space, defining middle, back and foreground. The project is entitled "Deep-space via mark making".

My interview is approaching rapidly. I am going to prepare by trying to come up with some possible questions they might ask me, and review and study their curriculum. I think that will help me to feel less nervous about it. Of course, I am also going to be praying about it. I feel like that is all I can really do at this point. My family is going to e-mail me pictures of my art from home to build my digital portfolio.....to fulfill my 8 pieces, and that will be it. I will be prepared. If you can, and if you are willing, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers on the 12th of February, next Friday.

Update

It was a LONG weekend. My motivation has been low, as I have been very tired. I did, however manage to complete my sketchbook entries, and got a 10/10 on them. I have my first critique tomorrow on my first oil painting, so we will see how that goes. I am posting a picture of it here, so critique away if you wish!! We had to do the painting in gray scale, of items placed in front of us on a table. I am nervous about critique, and just about these classes in general. They are so different from any other classes I have ever taken before. It's not straight forward, where you read a book, take notes, print the lecture, and study.....it's very different. I just don't know what to expect.

I am really trying right now to deepen my life spiritually. I have felt so out of touch with God lately. I need to reconnect. I am doing my own "bible study" using a book I found by an author that was recommended to me. The book is called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. I got the book and the workbook. I have read the intro and Chapter 1 so far and find it VERY good. Very interesting and right on. I want to share a quote from Chapter 1 that I found very compelling:

"The truth is always revealed through the Word; but sadly, people don't always accept it. It is a painful process to face our faults and deal with them. Generally speaking, people justify misbehavior. They allow the past and how they were raised to negatively affect the rest of their lives. Our past may explain why we're suffering, but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage. Everyone is without excuse because Jesus always stands ready to fulfill His promise to set the captives free. He will walk us across the finish line of victory in any area if we are willing to go all the way through it with Him."

This quote really spoke to me. It helps me see things in a different light. I need to learn more to "let go and let God" rather than dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. God will provide, in his perfect timing. He has his plan for me. As long as I am living my life for him, according to his will, I have nothing to fear.