Christmas

Things are moving along. I can't believe Christmas is here already. I have gifts for my family....some things that I meant to give were not completed so I had to resort to back-up gifts, but all is ready. I feel at peace about Christmas this year. More at peace about this Christmas than I ever have in the past 8 years. I feel like I am letting this all go. Letting go of the ED, the crap I deal with. Maybe it's the meds, maybe it's something else...I don't know. I am 17 days binge purge free. My goal is to make it to New Years, and set a new goal from there. I am sad that Micky and I are not able to be together this Christmas, though. Sad about some other things but I don't feel like talking about that on here. I am not, however, letting it effect my food or other things. I would just like some things in my life to be different right now, but I am powerless to change them. The change has to come from elsewhere. That is very vague, but I am dealing. I am in the process of applying to EVMS for fall. I seriously doubt I will get in for next fall. I think I will have a much better chance for fall 2011. I don't know. I feel like my ED is going away but I am still mentally not at such a great place. My depression is still ever present. There are still many problems. I thought the world of recovery was supposed to be so wonderful??? Yeah....not so much.

Lots of stuff going on.

Well. There is good stuff and bad stuff. Good stuff first, right? I made a good decision about my future. I am going back to school next semester. I am going to a local community college and taking 18 credits of Studio art over the spring and summer in order to hopefully get into a Master's program for Art Therapy at Eastern Virginia Medical School next Fall. I have made the decision that I want to be an art therapist. I feel very happy about this. I am excited about the classes. Excited to feel a direction in my life. I am taking Painting I, Fundamentals of Design I, and Drawing I. It is going to be a lot but, it is going to be good. I am cutting way back on work to like one shift a week, and leaving the possibility open to quitting if need be. So I am just hoping and praying that I get in. I need to have a back up, so I will be looking around for that.

And now on to the bad stuff. Well, I suppose it is not really all that bad yet, just weird. I have been feeling off lately. Today it came to a head. I feel dizzy, feel like my heart is fluttering, I am so tired. Just off. So I went to Patient First today. Some odd results. Had some blood tests run and an EKG, and a Chest X-ray. The EKG was completely normal, which is very good. In my blood test, lymphocytes were high, they have been high since last May, and have increased. My chest x-ray was most concerning. I had 2 spots on my lungs (In pic, on the left side one in the middle and one near the top). One of which the doc was almost positive was a calcification, which is basically nothing. But the other she was not sure of. She referred me to a Hematologist and a Pulmonary doc, which I have to call on Monday and make appointments with. The radiologist @ Patient first is going to review my Chest x-ray tonight, and make a final reading. Hopefully it will all be nothing and everything will be fine. Probably just have a virus or something. I will call the docs, however, and make appointments to make sure. I contacted my Psych, and he says he doesn't know what it all means either. Very confusing.

I am actually doing quite well with my ED, which makes me feel good because, I can rule that out as a possible factor in all of this. The depression is ever present, but not as severe as it was, I am more just tired than anything. Still working. Managing to push through.

Update

Thanksgiving this year was AWESOME!! I went home in the morning and as our family usually does we had our big thanksgiving meal at lunch time. I could actually relax and enjoy it this year. I enjoyed the company of my family, and the food, and even had 2 slices of pumpkin pie!! one at lunch and one at dinner!! YUM!! My aunt and I went out to the Thanksgiving day sale at Michael's from 5-9pm which was fun, she got me my Christmas gift at an awesome price. I am feeling so much better right now, and I even worked until 2:15 am last night! Today makes a week since I last B/P. Not much to remark about, but I plan on making it longer. Today I have gone all day alone, and not even had thoughts. I am getting ready to go to a "Pampered Chef" party at Micky's sister's house with Micky and his mom at 4:00. I have been working mostly on Christmas gifts all day. I already have a lot wrapped.....I know, I'm sick, right? But I still have a LOT of sewing and craft work to do on the ones I have left to do, so I am kinda worried I won't be able to get it all accomplished. I did venture out to Wal-mart at home yesterday because I had to pick up some of my meds before I made the trip home. It was packed, but I did find some things that I needed for some people. This morning I went to Jo-Ann's, because I saw all the doorbusters go up last night, I knew what I wanted!! :) I also went to Kohl's. I am looking forward to Monday because I have a lunch date set up, which is a HUGE step for me. But a VERY good one. I am even being completely open to restaurants, because in the end, it really doesn't matter anyway <3

Doing Better!!!!

Well, after my med. changes, adding the Iron in and starting to follow my mealplan more closely, I am feeling SO much better. I feel like I have some spunk again. I decided last week after seeing my therapist, when I was still feeling low, that I would call into work for Thursday and just go home. I had an appointment with my Primary Care doc on Friday anyway, so I needed to go home anyway, so I just went a little early. It was amazing the transformation that took place over Wednesday to Saturday. I felt like I became real again. I don't know what did the trick, but something sure did. I am not saying that I am fully 100% but I am light years from where I was. I went into work Monday with a smile on my face and it felt fun again.

That being said, I am extremely worried about Micky. His work has him so down, and my issues with our intimacy are not helping things. I am worried about our relationship. I try to do things to cheer him up, but nothing is working. Shoot, you all are going to think this is hilarious, but I even put up a Christmas tree this week to suprise him. I know, I know, it is WAY early, but whatever. I am going to try to attach a picture of it if I can figure out how to do that.

I am also worried about my future. I am scared about where my life is heading. I feel like I am going nowhere. I NEED a good job. I want to go back to school, but I can't figure out for what. I just don't know. My parents are pushing me to get my certificate for Medical Transcription, but would I really enjoy that? I am leaning toward something in the arts, but that means another bachelor's degree, do I have time for that again? I am so lost.

Still on the Brink

I am still on the edge of crashing. My blood work came back with low potassium, low CO2 and low Iron stores. I saw my psychiatrist today about all of it. He is changing some things around and putting me on iron pills. I have had to miss 2 days of work for this. I just can't do it. I can't handle it. I am SO tired. All I want to do is be alone and sleep my life away. My doc thinks it is a lot more than just the low iron making me tired. He said he had never seen me so depressed and zombie-like, as he put it. I am at a crossroads. I don't know what to do. My dietitian reinforced the basic meal plan today, I tried it tonight and I feel incredibly full. I know I need to just do it, but it is so hard. She told me that the nutrition will take care of the other levels if I do it every day. I feel so huge and stupid. Not what my therapist would want. Not what a mothering voice would tell me. That voice seems to have up and left my brain. Micky is at a point where I think he is sick of me. He is depressed himself having me depressed and due to some other things at his work. It is all I can do to get out of bed, eat three meals, and take a shower each day. I am crying constantly, which makes me even more tired and sad. I feel like I am shutting down during sessions, and I don't know how to snap myself out of it. I just start with the "I don't knows" and it all goes downhill from there. My doc has actually talked to me about magnet therapy and ECT but we don't know what insurance will pay for....ugh. Enough of my complaining. Back to sleep.

Unmanagable

I don't know what to do. My depression has become unmanageable in my life at this point. On Friday, I simply had to work a 5-10 shift at Jo-Ann fabrics and I couldn't handle it. My boss could tell I was tired, and told me to take a 15 min. break, once I got to the break room, I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably. I called my therapist. I ended up lying to them that I had "just heard" that my uncle had lung cancer and I could not complete my shift. They let me clock out and leave. I cried for almost an hour after that. I don't even know what is completely wrong. I am just so sad and sick of life. Micky and I are having some issues, that I don't really feel like discussing on here. Plus he has been gone all weekend at parties and with friends, leaving me alone. Which means, I have been free to binge and purge. I have done it two times over the weekend. I have e-mailed my team. I am scared. I am afraid of myself at this point. I don't want to start even more old behaviors again. I am so tired all the time. My psychiatrist still hasn't gotten my blood work that I had done not this past Friday but the Friday before. I literally slept almost all day Saturday. I am interested in nothing. Nothing causes any emotion. Micky is afraid I need to be hospitalized. The only thing that I did do this weekend was make it to church. I liked the service, but again I was so depressed, it was hard to take much of it in, and it mostly just made me feel guilty about how disconnected I am from God. I just want to check out from life for a while. I don't know what to do. I have a shift from 9:00 - 4:15 at work tomorrow, and honestly I am afraid the same thing is going to happen that happened on Friday. I can't go on like this.

Another hard week

Another week I've made it through.....no purging, but 1 binge. My dietitian wants me to up my calories and that freaks me out. She is afraid I am eating to little and I am actually going to slow my metabolism down. So I guess I can still count it as 10 days no purging. I am so tired all the time. I feel like I am just dragging my body around. Even small tasks feel like they take so much effort. I try to have a positive outlook, but it just isn't there. I am worried about my relationship with Micky. It feels like we are growing apart. I have intimacy issues. There. I said it. And it is hard. I don't think he feels loved by me, even though I love him so much. I don't know what to do about it.

Jo-Ann fabrics is a mad house. I work as hard as I possibly can to stay focused while I am there. I work mostly at night, which is weird, I don't think I like it. I don't like closing at least, because you and the others there are the ones left to put up all the fabric and crap that has been returned and just left around the store. I like getting the paycheck, though. So I will keep on. I've got to do something, or I feel like all I would do was lie in bed all day.

I have an update on my uncle who they told had terminal lung cancer. Well the chemo shrunk it. He had surgery yesterday and they think they were able to remove it. Thank you God, please continue to pray for him. He is in a lot of pain right now. I feel so blessed that he might still be able to be a part of my life for a much longer time than we thought.

Better Week

I have done better this week. Most likely because Micky came home on Tuesday, and surprised me by coming home a day early, but anyways....it has been better. Definitely not to 100% but better. People around me can tell how worn down I am. Managers at work are constantly asking me "What's wrong?" I have to shrug them off and just smile and say, nothing, really, I'm okay. I am sleeping a lot, just not at night it seems lately. I get my highs at night, and can't sleep, so I sleep the mornings away. This week I have had to work all evening shifts mostly, so it has been hard for me to relax after work and slow myself down and focus on sleeping after my shifts. Last night I actually went to wal-mart at 11:00 at night. It was awesome, I had my rule of the store, but stupid me, I got to the checkout and realised that I left my debit card in my other pair of pants that were back at the condo. Micky brought me back a beautiful necklace from the holy land in Israel. I love it. It is absolutely gorgeous. My parents came down last weekend to visit me before Micky got back. They loved the condo. They took me out to lunch, which was kind of daunting, but went okay. Then I showed them where I worked, and they took me to Burlington Coat Factory to get me a winter coat because it has been cold in Richmond the past week and I haven't had a coat to wear.....and as we know, with winter coming, it is only going to be getting colder. I am getting worn out at work. I don't have my next day off until Monday. I work both days this weekend. At least I found out on the schedule for next week that I don't have to work Halloween. Supposedly it is a mad-house. I am happy about that. It will be the first Saturday I have had off since I started working there. All in all, I am feeling better. Tired most of the time still, but better. I haven't binged or purged in 3 days....which is good considering I had been doing it more frequently with Micky being gone. I hope to get a run started up again. So November 20 will be a month, we shall see how things roll.

Riding the Wave

I have spent the last week riding the deep dip in the wave of depression. Saturday I actually had to call in sick the depression got so bad, I could not get out of bed. However, I have managed to make it to every other shift they have put on me this week. I am proud of myself for this. I am allowing myself to be proud of myself for this. I am still struggling with eating and using symptoms, but during this time when the depression is so bad....I haven't done as awful as I have done in the past. I saw my psychiatrist and got a new medicine to try, so maybe some relief will come from that. I made it to group on Monday....I can congratulate myself for that. I got support from some wonderful ladies. I am reading in short bits, when I can concentrate the new book by Jenni Schaefer. I am reminded that recovery is about me. I have to stand up for myself against ED. ED's voice is there.....but I have the CHOICE to decide what to do. I can give in to him or stand up and fight. Of course that sounds simplistic, and I have fallen many times. But, it is a good reminder. I feel blessed to have a good therapist willing to see me twice a week, and an amazing dietitian who both work together to help me as much as they can. I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God lately. Since last summer, and my relapses into bulimia, and all the drug trials I went through.....I have felt very distant from him. I want that to change. I want to start going to church again. Developing a relationship with God again. I want to feel his love in my heart. Sometimes during the tough times I have challenged whether I believe or not, how God could do this to me, what an awful person I must be to deserve this. But I know all of this is not right. I know I believe. God is not doing this to me, it is just something I have acquired in this life, ED is not a punishment from God. God is loving, and wants a relationship with me. I just have to open my heart, which is hard for me to do, and allow him in.

Copy of an e-mail

Below is a copy of an e-mail I sent to my therapist and dietitian tonight. It pretty much explains how I am feeling right now:



"I tried to take both of your advice and push through the depression, but I didn't make it through tonight without binging and purging. I am so upset with myself. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I know I have to. I can't stop the tears, I feel so depressed. So Sad. Micky is gone, I have nobody to talk to. Please don't tell me to call one of the girls from group, I don't feel comfortable doing that. I want to sleep, but sleep will not come now. Plus I feel like it is too early to go to bed. I made a stupid stupid stupid decision an bought a scale today. I hate the numbers. I feel so fat. So ugly and stupid. I want out of this moment, out of this two week period of being alone. I am shaking. I want my life back. Or what is left of it. I just can't seem to get there. I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to breathe and take deep breaths but it isn't working. I feel out of control. I feel like work drains me because all I do is put on the "happy face" and grin and bear it for 8 hours, and that really takes it out of me. I don't know whether I have the strength to confront them about the hours they are giving me. I am going to wait and see what they give me next week. I feel out of control with my finances, like I am constantly having to ask my parents for money. I feel like I am spending too much money on things that I don't need. Maybe it is a compulsion. I have tried budgeting and it doesn't work because I don't follow it. I feel like I am a drain to my parents. I almost feel suicidal, but I don't think I would act out on anything. I am just having the thoughts. Now I feel like I am rambling....so I am just going to end this. Thanks in advance if you can respond."

Comments welcome.

Not a good week

This week has not been a good one. I ended my streak of binging and purging. I had a 2 day period where I was in complete self-loathing and ended up doing it twice. I can't now guarantee I am quite back on track, but I have not had any behaviors yesterday or today. I feel a deep depression coming on me. Work is challenging, and I am starting to get that familiar feeling I seem to get with every job I work at after a month. That I hate it to death and I want to quit. But I know I can't. I have to keep at it. I can't be a quitter. The work is really not that bad. I am a little pissed that they scheduled me for 31 hours next week when I originally told them I wanted around 20, but whatever. I am just getting increasingly tired all the time and all I want to do is be in bed and sleep the day away. I don't want anybody bothering me. Micky is leaving for a trip with his brother this week and is going to be gone for 2 weeks. I am terrified. With nobody to keep me accountable, I am so scared of what is going to happen. I don't want my behaviors to run wild. I will have no communication with him whatsoever. He is my rock. At the same time, I want to prove to him that I can be okay alone. That I can succeed without him. So there is that added pressure. I want him to be able to have faith in me. To be able to trust me and depend on me. I feel like this is a huge test for me and I am so scared I am going to fail miserably. In order for us to get married one day, he is going to have to be able to know that I can be okay. The sooner I can show him that the better, in my book. I am in love with this man. I hope he loves me too.

Update

I feel like I need to update, although not much has really been going on in my life. I am working. Trying to keep up. Still no binging/purging. 42 days now. I have been working a lot on crafts for christmas. I really want to make my mom a quilt, I am going to try to make a rag quilt for her. Hopefully it will work out. I ordered my 2nd sewing machine this week. My first one never actually worked. I am starting early making gifts to get them all done in time.

**Trigger Warning**
As for how I am feeling emotionally, I just don't know. I am tired. Drained. I don't know if I am eating enough. I am slowly dropping weight, but I need to, so I don't know what to think. I am counting calories again. That is a bad thing. I used to do that when I was anorexic. Of course, I did a lot of other things too that I am not doing when I was anorexic, but still. It just brings back those feelings, and that mentality. It is hard to not obsess. I know I don't want to go back there, but I also know I need to loose weight, and I want it gong now. I hate my body right now. I feel so ugly and terrible about myself. My body image is so poor. I don't even want people touching me, even Micky, which hurts him, and makes me feel terrible. Ugh. I don't know. I want to get over this but it is so hard. I know I can't go back. I must forge ahead. I need to make progress. I need to just let go of all of this obsessing about food.

Halloween

I have set my next goal.....to make it past 75 days. Day 75 would be October 29, so if I can get through Halloween unscathed, I have made it the longest I have gone in the past 2 years. I hope I can make it. I have got to keep on going. Keep up. I have a LONG day at work tomorrow, my shift is 12:30 to 10. YUCK. That is my longest shift yet. I did get my first paycheck today, though, so that was exciting. I have been feeling very very tired all the time lately. I hope that I am not getting sick. My boyfriend has been sick, and that is the last thing that I need! I was going to try to get home to see my parents this weekend, but it turns out that I work Monday, so it is sort of pointless to drive there and back on Sunday. I had no therapy or dietitian this week, which was harder that I thought it would be. It is nice to have someone to talk things over with and just check in with. But my therapist will be back next week, so I am happy about that. I have been looking into spring classes and certificate programs at J. Sargent Reynolds Community College, but haven't decided exactly what I want to do yet. I still have some time, though. Body image stuff still is affecting me daily. I hate not being in my weight range. It makes me feel huge. The sad part is, I have done this to myself all the binging and purging, put the weight on me. Now I am trying to follow this meal plan and it is hard. I want to restrict some days, and some days I just get overwhelmed with it. I find myself counting calories some days and I know that is dangerous territory for me. Not that I know if I have actually lost anything. My scale is at home. My clothes don't feel any looser. I feel like a failure at this all. I just want to be healthy, I hate being outside of what my dietitian feels is right for me. Sometimes I feel like I would die to know what I weighed, but I know that all it is is a number, I can't let a number dictate how I feel. And that is exactly what I would allow it to do. I have vowed to leave it up to my dietitian, and I need to keep that promise. It is just so hard sometimes. I want to feel beautiful.....to see beauty in myself. To love myself. I just don't know if I will ever reach a point where I can truly feel that way.

Today is the DAY

It has been a month now. No binging or purging. 31 days. I am incredibly proud, but I still feel like I have a lot to work on in terms of sticking to my meal plan and keeping things under wraps. The job at Jo-Ann Fabrics is still working out good. I worked a lot of hours last week and still managed to stay sane. I can work the registers now, and have a better idea of where things are in the store. The only downfall is that for some reason they seem to like putting me on the Tuesday 6:00 AM - 1:00 PM shift. It is okay, but I haven't seen that time of the morning in a VERY long time. Tuesdays are when the truck comes to make deliveries, so I am there to help unload. I have found a new passion for sewing. I have already sewn a decorative pillow for Micky and a pillowcase for me. Right now I am working on a purse and a wallet, made from that quilted material that you find on Vera Bradley stuff. The only thing is, I don't have my sewing machine here with me in Richmond, so I am doing it all by hand, but it is still fun. It helps keep my mind off of things. My dad's birthday is today. I told him part of his present was that I had been a month without binging or purging, he was overjoyed. Living with Micky is working out very well. We are getting along, but having our alone time to ourselves as well. It is really nice. I am practicing using my voice with him and choosing what activities I want to do and what I don't. Like going to his parents, seeing his sister, going here or there, etc. It has been good. I get my first paycheck this Friday, and I am excited about that too. I swear I worked almost 40 hours last week!

Day 20

Today is my 20th day without binging or purging. It has been hard, but I am making it. I got a new job this week......FINALLY. It is at Jo-Ann Fabrics in Richmond. So far I have worked 2 days. There is SO much to learn. I feel overwhelmed, but almost in a good way, like the job might not get so monotonous, like other jobs I have had in the past have. I like all the people I have worked with so far, so that is good. My managers are nice, and they call me on my stuff. Two of them have actually told me already "Mary, it doesn't have to be perfect!" I think that's kinda funny. I have been mostly working at the cutting table, cutting fabrics for customers, I haven't learned the ropes of the registers yet. It has given me a new inspiration to want to learn to sew, though! So, since my job is in Richmond, it looks like I will be moving back here. Micky is actually considering letting me live with him!! I am astounded! I will pay him rent, of course, but still!! I am so excited!! He is already planning out a closet for me, so I am REALLY hoping he lets me. He says he will give it a "trial" run of a few months first, though. Whatever, I do all his laundry, dishes, make him breakfast, clean, etc. He will love it! Plus the rent will be VERY good. Because it will be all inclusive. With me here and his other roommate here, his mortgage is completely covered. Anyway, so things are looking up. The 15th is only 11 days away!! I know I can make it!! Micky and I also joined a gym this week and started working out. We only went 2 days this week, but it's a start. 2-3 days a week is fine with me. I don't need to be obsessive about that. I also got my Tragus pierced this week. It is something I have been wanting to do. It's that little flap on your ear, right where your ear canal starts. I like it. It was kinda like a reward for myself. So I guess a lot has been going on this week. It has been a busy one. But good. I feel good about things right now, and I hope that it continues to stay that way.

Day 13

Well, I have now made it 13 days without binging or purging. I feel proud of myself, but at the same time, my body image is so poor, it makes it hard to feel accomplished. I am trying to work on that. I made the HUGE mistake of weighing myself last night and I got very upset. Sometimes I just wish life were easier. My decisions about my future have changed some in the past week. I am looking for a job for this semester, then I am going to most likely go back to Community College somewhere (home or Richmond) to get my certificate for a Graphic Design Office Assistant. It sounds really interesting for me. I like to be creative and I think it will definitely help me in the job market. I have applied to jobs at numerous places both at home and in Richmond. I am really hoping to work at either Michael's or Target. Both said they had openings, so maybe. The online applications are crazy long. The Michael's one asked me 200+ questions about myself. I am officially out of my apartment at Honey Tree on the 31st. I am glad to be out of there. I was paying WAY to much in rent there. I am contemplating a move back to Richmond (kind of ironic since we just moved all my stuff back to Winchester) but the environment at home has not been as I had expected. I am actually alone a lot more of the day that I would be if I were in Richmond with my boyfriend. I just have to find the job first. Hopefully Richmond will work out and I will be able to find a new apartment for a lot cheaper. I've been looking around, and there are lots of possibilities, I just need to actually go there and check them out, and check out the area. Funny how things can change like that. My goal right now is to make it a month without binging or purging. I feel like if I can make it a month I can do it long-term. So September 15 is the day to make it to.

Better Days

I can't explain it, I don't understand it, but somehow......the past 5 days have been binge/purge free. I give a lot of credit to my group therapy session I had on Monday, and to my new therapist. A very sweet friend in my group helped talk me through some things, I can't explain it well, but it made me really think hard....hard about what I wanted for myself, about how hard I wanted to stop what I was doing. She gave me examples of what she did for some of her behaviors to stop them and honestly I was amazed by her will power and inventiveness. I was like "I can do that! I can beat this too!" I have done some pretty odd things this week not to binge/purge. I think I have probably done a zillion loads of laundry and cleaned a thousand dishes, but it has worked so far. It has given me some hope. My body image is still in the garbage, and I am still fighting the thoughts SOOOO hard.....I don't feel like I am there yet, but at least things are better. I am trying to manage some sort of meal plan, at least some kind of thing, but not doing so well at that. I need to get serious and get back on my assigned meal plan. I need to be back down in my weight range, I know if I do I will feel so much better about myself. My new therapist has been really encouraging....I am really starting to like her. My dietitian is encouraging as well, and I love her to death. Job stuff and family stuff is still hard. When I told my family how much I was struggling, they reacted very negatively. It was really hard on me. I still feel very directionless in my life, and feel like I don't know who I am at all......but I am at least starting to float again. I am hesitant to even say anything for fear that I will screw up within the next 24 hrs, but if I did 5 days.....dammit, I can do 5 more.

Blah

I feel as though nothing is helping me right now. I have tried and failed, over and over again. I have my list of things to do when I feel my ED urges coming on, but none of them ever work for me. I will try, but nothing seems to work. I think something is wrong with me. I am afraid I am damaging myself. My parents still do not have a clue. My therapist wants me to tell them but I am terrified. I don't want to place yet another burden upon them. They have so many things going on in their lives right now. I hate being so needy. I have clued my boyfriend in to the severity of things. He is worried sick and that just makes things harder. I hate having him have to worry about me. He needs to take care of himself, he should not have to add me to his list of things to have to worry about. I should be someone he should be able to hang out with and have fun with, not a burden. There is a workshop this weekend that I have decided to fore go attending. I can not handle it. I paid to attend, but I have backed out. I don't know yet whether or not I will get my money back, but I know that the right thing for me right now is to not go. I do not really do so hot in the group setting. I tend to tense up and get really quiet. Inside my head I mentally bash myself the whole time for everything I do or do not do. So I am spending my weekend at home. Which I found out today is going to be VERY hard. My parents have a party to go to tomorrow at 1pm, leaving me all alone in the house. I have made plans with my aunt, but she can only be with me until about 4pm. The rest of the night I am on my own. I am TERRIFIED. This is horrible to say but I can almost predict that I am going to act on my behaviors. I don't know any other way to handle things. I feel like I need 24/7 supervision in order to not binge and purge. I know the only way that I can get that is to go into treatment, but I am not going to do that right now. Not to my family and not to myself. I will just feel like the "fat girl" and it will have to benefit. I am sorry if any of this has been triggering to anyone. I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere, I don't even care if anybody reads.

Out of Control

I am feeling just like the title says......OUT OF CONTROL. I am using ED symptoms much more than usual (binging and purging) and I feel like nobody cares. I am sorry if this is triggering I just need to get this out. I am doing it more and more and I feel like I can't stop. I feel like I am getting worse. I feel like I am at an all time low with my bulimia, but since I am at a higher weight nobody gives a shit. The fat girl can puke her guts out, but the minute anybody else slips a pound below their weight range it becomes an issue. Okay, I know that was uncalled for and mean, but that is how I feel. My parents have no clue. They think I am fine. My boyfriend has somewhat of a clue but I feel scared to let him fully in to what is going on. I will probably break soon and let him in....I just can't hold this secret inside much longer. I feel horrible. I feel like all I do is eat. I feel terrible about my body and I don't want anybody to look at me in this state. I feel like everything I do and everything I say is stupid and pointless. I hate this stupid disorder and I hate my depression. Nothing feels okay.

Ramblings

My new therapist is actually okay. I think it is going to be okay. I have only had two sessions with her though. But I am trying to be hopeful. She is nice, and seems understanding. I am trying to be open and say what I need to say.

Things have been hard here. My father's partner died on Saturday. It was sudden and very unexpected. He was only 39 years old, and the picture of health. My dad was in the process of transferring his business over to him so that he could retire. I feel bad not only for his partner and his family but for my dad because he can't retire now. He has to start up working full time again. He is stressed to the max.

I had a long talk with my boyfriend this weekend about engagement and marriage. It was painful. He is still so hurt from our previous breakup. He says he needs time and that he doesn't know when he will be ready if ever. It breaks my heart. I am deeply in love with this man. I know he is the one for me. I would do anything for him. I wish there was something I could do to express to him how sorry I am for what happened before, and to show him how I have changed since then. I wish there was some way that I could prove myself. I wish I knew what he was looking for.

Things all just feel so out of control right now. Everything feels so up in the air. I wish I had the security of something but nothing feels stable right now. It is making me depressed messing with my eating disorder. The anxiety is still very high, especially socially. I couldn't go to my last group therapy because anxiety got the best of me. I just panic.

My birthday is coming up next week, and I just want it to be ignored. I don't feel the need to be celebrated. I am trying to put on a good face for my family and play along but my heart is not in it. I am going to be 25, and what do I have to show for it. I feel so unaccomplished. I look at others my age and I just feel like I am so far behind. I hate feeling like I am wasting my life away.

Going Along

As you can see by the title....things have been, well, just going along. I had family therapy with my parents for the first time with my therapist last week, and it actually went well! I was very impressed. I am in Richmond right now.....I was here for the weekend. I surprised my boyfriend by coming down on Saturday, and then I just decided to stay until I have therapy tomorrow. He is going through a lot right now because his roommate is moving out and he is giving him a really hard time with rent and stuff and so it is good to be here with him to help.

Things with my uncle are the same. It is so strange to be at this stage I suppose because he seems so full of life and healthy. It is terrifying to think about what is to come. My aunt is doing better. They are talking to oncologists this week and planning out treatment.

I haven't been doing so well lately at home. Sometimes I wish that I could be the one to be moving in with my boyfriend after his roommate leaves, but circumstances won't allow for that. I seem to do incredibly well when I am around him. I wish sometimes he would just ask me to marry him and we could just live happily ever after, but I know that is not reality right now, and that is not realistic. It has to be in his own timing. I am sure it will be perfect when it happens.

The job search is continuing to be incredibly difficult, every single thing I apply to I get either no response or rejected. So much for thinking a college degree would actually help. Everyplace I try to go and apply has no openings. Frustrating. Hopefully sometime soon I will get something.

Cancer

My uncle has lung cancer....it is official. It is stage 4. Meaning he has 6-36 months to live. The cancer is inoperable and untreatable. They can do some radiation, but it will only prolong the inevitable. Our entire family is devastated. I don't know what to say or what to do. I feel terrible. My aunt is a complete basket case. My uncle is in good spirits, but I just don't think the reality of it has really sunk in yet. My mom and I sped over there yesterday when we heard the news and cried together with my aunt. I am so glad now that I am moving home. I want to be able to spend as much time with my uncle as I can before the cancer starts getting really bad. I have got to be there for them. They have been there for me. I am so angry about all of this. My aunt and uncle were just about ready to retire. They could have really enjoyed their retirement. They loved each other so much. Why do bad things have to happen to such good people? I just don't understand. Nothing is ever going to be the same. Christmas will never be the same without him there at my grandmas. He was my "sweet potato buddy" he was the best bowler when went bowling on Thanksgiving and Christmas, when we were younger he used to take my sister and I to flea markets every Sunday and buy us stuff, take us shopping, take us to get ice cream.....who will fill those shoes? NOBODY. I will miss him so much.

Bad Day Yesterday

Yesterday was a terrible day. I felt awful. I don't know what was up with me. I was tired, sick to my stomach, and just achy all over. I got a text around noon from my boyfriend. He wanted me to come back to Richmond, so I decided I would. BAD idea. I got in a car accident on the way there because I was so tired. I didn't do any damage to the other car, but mine has a big dent in the front. I feel like a complete idiot.

My uncle had his biopsy yesterday. We will not know anything until Monday. My aunt would not let my mom and I go with her, but she called us right after and said that everything went okay. I am praying that somehow they got it wrong and he doesn't really have cancer. If he does, I hope that it is treatable.

So, I am in Richmond. Spending the weekend with my boyfriend. Today we are picking up his little cousin and going bowling with him. Tomorrow we are going to a baseball game. I should be excited, but I am just exhausted. I am depressed I suppose. Don't really know what is up with me. I just don't feel like being around anybody right now.

I put in my 60-day notice at my apartment complex. I am officially moving home. I will be home permanently at the end of August. Still searching for a job. Nothing is working out. Life is just overwhelming right now.

Dragging

I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I am worried about my uncle. My aunt finally told my parents last night about him, so at least I don't have to keep it a secret any more. I am very frustrated that the biopsy isn't scheduled until next Thursday.....I mean, couldn't they have gotten him in sooner, we are talking about lung cancer here. He doesn't have time to waste. My aunt told us yesterday that what he said was that he always knew that he was going to get cancer, but he had hoped that he would have had a little more time. That is heartbreaking. He doesn't deserve this. He has had a very hard life. Sometimes I wonder how God can do this, it makes me question everything. How can he just standby and watch an innocent man get diagnosed with cancer, and I am not just talking about my uncle.....I mean anybody. Nobody deserves to suffer from cancer. How can God let cancer exist? It doesn't make sense. I don't see the purpose of cancer. It makes me not want to believe any more. That makes me sad. Then again nothing seems to make sense these days. I haven't been able to see God's purpose in my life in a while. Why is all this bad stuff happening to me.....is he testing me? Because I definitely don't need to be tested right now. I know God works in mysterious ways....but I just can't see how any of this could be positive right now. The apartment fire? my therapist leaving? CANCER? How is he using any of that for his good? I just don't get it.

Update

Yesterday my aunt told me that the doctors told my uncle that they think he has lung cancer. They are going to do a biopsy, which is scheduled for next Thursday to be sure, but they are pretty sure it is cancer. My aunt was a mess. I had to hold her while she cried. I can not deal with all of this. It is overwhelming.

Somehow this week, though, I have managed to keep behaviors under control. I think because family has been around. I haven't been left alone at night, which is a very bad time for me. So it has been 6 days now with out any behaviors. Not great, but it's something.

I talked to my parents today and they are coming with me to therapy on July 7. I am extremely worried about it. I just hope that what I need to say comes across the way I want it to. My dad actually asked me today "She isn't going to be mean to us is she?" referring to my therapist. Don't know where that came from. Guess he didn't care to much for the last therapist I had in Richmond. So I know I have to be gentle with them.

My boyfriend is coming tomorrow to stay until Sunday, so I am excited about that. The weekend should be pretty good. I don't know what we'll do tomorrow, but I'm sure we'll find something fun to do. Next weekend we are going to a baseball game. The Washington Nationals vs. the Atlanta Braves. He is a HUGE Braves fan, so that should be fun too.

The job search is still going. I have applied for 5 jobs this week. 4 at the hospital and 1 at a pharmacy. I'd really like to get a job at the hospital, I think I would like it there. I just hope that I can find one where I can fit in going to Richmond once a week for appointments.

I am still having a hard time with my therapist leaving. Some days I feel better about it, some days I don't. Some days I still want to give up on therapy, some days I realize how much I still need a therapist. I know how much I need to call this new therapist and schedule an appointment, but I just can't make myself do it. It's like I don't like her already and I haven't even given her a chance. I just feel like she will never measure up. Ugh. My eyes are tearing up.

My Week So Far

Well...my week has gone okay so far. I managed to make it to group therapy this week. I was almost in panic before I got there, I had to take some deep breaths in my car before I went in and I walked to the door very slowly, considering how easily I could just turn back around and escape back to the comfort of my car and drive away with each step. But I didn't. I made it through. I tried to be present. I talked. I don't know how much sense I made, but I tried. I know I can do it again. I will keep trying.

I feel very tired lately. I am having trouble getting to sleep at night. Worrying about things. I am extremely worried about my uncle. I find out whether or not it is cancer on Friday, 2 days, 48 hours. I am so scared for him.

I just had therapy today and I am considering bringing my family to one of my upcoming sessions. They are having some trouble understanding why I need to start out with a part-time job. They want me to be full-time. I don't think they understand the extent of my depression and how I actually feel on the inside most of the time. I am constantly trying to put on a "happy face" and act "happy" around them. I guess it is working. I just don't want to worry them. They have spent so much of the last 10 years worrying about me. They don't understand the extent of the sadness I feel, and how much I still mentally bash myself. I just don't know if I can handle being full-time at first. I am afraid I will crash and burn.

The thing is, I really dislike bringing them to family sessions because I sometimes feel like they don't really absorb what is being said. They sometimes talk a lot and the therapist can't get a word in edge wise. I don't know.

Happy Father's Day!

I have to say that overall today has been a MUCH better day than the past two days. I mostly attribute that to the fact that I was surrounded by family all day. I have to say that through all of this crap that I have been through....my family has been by my side and super supportive. Sure, they have their moments, when they disagree with my treatment team about something, or they push me unnecessarily, but overall...I am one lucky girl. Hearing other girl's stories in treatment and outside of treatment, I feel very blessed.

It is also one thing that tends to bother me sometimes because I feel like, I came from such a privileged background.....how did I end up so messed up? It doesn't seem to make much sense in many ways. I know eating disorders and depression have more to do than with family, but it seems like such a big part. It makes me feel like such a failure to them as their daughter. They seriously did the best they possibly could with what they had in raising me, and what do I have to offer them in return? They were my main motivation in my last treatment to get better, but it still wasn't enough. I am still not better. I hope that one day I can be a daughter that they can be proud of.

Bad Night

Terrible night last night. Spent it alone because my parents were gone. Not good. I tried to call my boyfriend for support and I just felt totally brushed off. It was like he didn't care. I am terrified that I am loosing him because of my ED. He is one of the only things that keeps me sane right now.

Sometimes I feel like a hopeless case. Like I will never get over this. Medication doesn't help and never has. My weight fluctuates so much because of all the things I put my body through. I feel like it will never get back to "normal". Whatever that is. I loose and gain the same 25 lbs over and over again. Sorry if this is triggering to anyone.

I wish I could go back in time, to that 13 year old girl and just tell her that everything is OKAY. Not to push so hard, not to worry so much, not to take it out on herself. That she is beautiful the way she is. If it would have made a difference, I would die to do it all over again.

My social anxiety is like a cage that I have trapped myself in. I have no real time close friends, only acquaintances. I avoid people like the plague. We have this group therapy thing every 2 weeks that I am a part of, and I haven't been able to go because of it. I am so terrified about what others will think of me, what the hell I am going to say, that I nearly panic the day of the group and have to call in. The leader knows this. I know not a single person in that group is judging me, logically, but I just can't get over it. I stay silent the whole time I am there except for when I have to speak. I wish I could give others feedback in the group but my vocal chords just don't seem to work when I am there. I am so anxious the whole time I watch the clock like a hawk. It is really ridiculous when I think about it.

Sorry for all the writing.

First Post

Hello Everyone. I guess I should start off by introducing myself and my intent for creating this. My name is Mary. I have been struggling with depression, anxiety, and an Eating Disorder since I was 13 (I am 24 now, and will be 25 in August). My point of this is to just get my thoughts down somewhere. Sometimes it is really hard for me to verbalize what I am thinking and it is easier for me to just write it down somewhere. I am currently in the recovery process for all the above and I just need a safe place. Sometimes my thoughts can be all over the place. I am not so organized with my writing....as you can probably tell, and I am sorry at times if I am hard to follow. I think a blog will help me be able to look back on what I have written and see my long-term progress, or lack there of.

I have been struggling a bit lately with all of the things that seem to be going on in my life, and it is causing my depression to flare up again. There are so many things going on:

1. I just graduated from college, and I am trying to find a job. It is proving to be extremely challenging in this economy and in the area I am living. My parents are putting a lot of pressure on me and it is hard.
2. My current therapist is moving to Florida in July. It is breaking my heart, she was the best therapist I have ever had, and I am so sad to see her go. I don't know how I will survive without her. I have to start soon with a new therapist and it is killing me.
3. There was an apartment fire in the apartment across the hall from me last week. That is the second fire in 6 months. I am scared to live there anymore. So I need to find a new place to live. I am considering moving back in with my parents, but I just don't know what to do.
4. My aunt told me this week that my uncle has a lump on his lung. Both of his parents and sister died of lung cancer. I am close to him. I am terrified. I am the only other person in my family who knows and my aunt swore me to secrecy. I find out June 26th if it is cancer.
5. I had my first panic attack last week. It was horrifying. I thought I was dying. I had to go to a patient first and get checked out. I am so scared it is going to happen again at any moment.

This is all so hard. The depression triggers anxiety which in turn triggers my ED. I have managed to keep my ED symptoms somewhat under control, but I think that is because I have not allowed myself to stay alone for very long. If I am left alone for any length of time.....it is all over. I binge, purge or starve. I am disgusted by my body and disgusted by the way I look. I am trying to work on that.

I am hoping that as the summer goes on, some of these things will resolve themselves and things will get better. I am just stuck in a rough place right now. I am praying for things to just get easier. I am hoping to try to update once a week if I can, maybe more if I feel up to it. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads this.