Saturday, November 28, 2009


Thanksgiving this year was AWESOME!! I went home in the morning and as our family usually does we had our big thanksgiving meal at lunch time. I could actually relax and enjoy it this year. I enjoyed the company of my family, and the food, and even had 2 slices of pumpkin pie!! one at lunch and one at dinner!! YUM!! My aunt and I went out to the Thanksgiving day sale at Michael's from 5-9pm which was fun, she got me my Christmas gift at an awesome price. I am feeling so much better right now, and I even worked until 2:15 am last night! Today makes a week since I last B/P. Not much to remark about, but I plan on making it longer. Today I have gone all day alone, and not even had thoughts. I am getting ready to go to a "Pampered Chef" party at Micky's sister's house with Micky and his mom at 4:00. I have been working mostly on Christmas gifts all day. I already have a lot wrapped.....I know, I'm sick, right? But I still have a LOT of sewing and craft work to do on the ones I have left to do, so I am kinda worried I won't be able to get it all accomplished. I did venture out to Wal-mart at home yesterday because I had to pick up some of my meds before I made the trip home. It was packed, but I did find some things that I needed for some people. This morning I went to Jo-Ann's, because I saw all the doorbusters go up last night, I knew what I wanted!! :) I also went to Kohl's. I am looking forward to Monday because I have a lunch date set up, which is a HUGE step for me. But a VERY good one. I am even being completely open to restaurants, because in the end, it really doesn't matter anyway <3

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Doing Better!!!!

Well, after my med. changes, adding the Iron in and starting to follow my mealplan more closely, I am feeling SO much better. I feel like I have some spunk again. I decided last week after seeing my therapist, when I was still feeling low, that I would call into work for Thursday and just go home. I had an appointment with my Primary Care doc on Friday anyway, so I needed to go home anyway, so I just went a little early. It was amazing the transformation that took place over Wednesday to Saturday. I felt like I became real again. I don't know what did the trick, but something sure did. I am not saying that I am fully 100% but I am light years from where I was. I went into work Monday with a smile on my face and it felt fun again.

That being said, I am extremely worried about Micky. His work has him so down, and my issues with our intimacy are not helping things. I am worried about our relationship. I try to do things to cheer him up, but nothing is working. Shoot, you all are going to think this is hilarious, but I even put up a Christmas tree this week to suprise him. I know, I know, it is WAY early, but whatever. I am going to try to attach a picture of it if I can figure out how to do that.

I am also worried about my future. I am scared about where my life is heading. I feel like I am going nowhere. I NEED a good job. I want to go back to school, but I can't figure out for what. I just don't know. My parents are pushing me to get my certificate for Medical Transcription, but would I really enjoy that? I am leaning toward something in the arts, but that means another bachelor's degree, do I have time for that again? I am so lost.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Still on the Brink

I am still on the edge of crashing. My blood work came back with low potassium, low CO2 and low Iron stores. I saw my psychiatrist today about all of it. He is changing some things around and putting me on iron pills. I have had to miss 2 days of work for this. I just can't do it. I can't handle it. I am SO tired. All I want to do is be alone and sleep my life away. My doc thinks it is a lot more than just the low iron making me tired. He said he had never seen me so depressed and zombie-like, as he put it. I am at a crossroads. I don't know what to do. My dietitian reinforced the basic meal plan today, I tried it tonight and I feel incredibly full. I know I need to just do it, but it is so hard. She told me that the nutrition will take care of the other levels if I do it every day. I feel so huge and stupid. Not what my therapist would want. Not what a mothering voice would tell me. That voice seems to have up and left my brain. Micky is at a point where I think he is sick of me. He is depressed himself having me depressed and due to some other things at his work. It is all I can do to get out of bed, eat three meals, and take a shower each day. I am crying constantly, which makes me even more tired and sad. I feel like I am shutting down during sessions, and I don't know how to snap myself out of it. I just start with the "I don't knows" and it all goes downhill from there. My doc has actually talked to me about magnet therapy and ECT but we don't know what insurance will pay for....ugh. Enough of my complaining. Back to sleep.

Sunday, November 1, 2009


I don't know what to do. My depression has become unmanageable in my life at this point. On Friday, I simply had to work a 5-10 shift at Jo-Ann fabrics and I couldn't handle it. My boss could tell I was tired, and told me to take a 15 min. break, once I got to the break room, I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably. I called my therapist. I ended up lying to them that I had "just heard" that my uncle had lung cancer and I could not complete my shift. They let me clock out and leave. I cried for almost an hour after that. I don't even know what is completely wrong. I am just so sad and sick of life. Micky and I are having some issues, that I don't really feel like discussing on here. Plus he has been gone all weekend at parties and with friends, leaving me alone. Which means, I have been free to binge and purge. I have done it two times over the weekend. I have e-mailed my team. I am scared. I am afraid of myself at this point. I don't want to start even more old behaviors again. I am so tired all the time. My psychiatrist still hasn't gotten my blood work that I had done not this past Friday but the Friday before. I literally slept almost all day Saturday. I am interested in nothing. Nothing causes any emotion. Micky is afraid I need to be hospitalized. The only thing that I did do this weekend was make it to church. I liked the service, but again I was so depressed, it was hard to take much of it in, and it mostly just made me feel guilty about how disconnected I am from God. I just want to check out from life for a while. I don't know what to do. I have a shift from 9:00 - 4:15 at work tomorrow, and honestly I am afraid the same thing is going to happen that happened on Friday. I can't go on like this.