Ramblings

My new therapist is actually okay. I think it is going to be okay. I have only had two sessions with her though. But I am trying to be hopeful. She is nice, and seems understanding. I am trying to be open and say what I need to say.

Things have been hard here. My father's partner died on Saturday. It was sudden and very unexpected. He was only 39 years old, and the picture of health. My dad was in the process of transferring his business over to him so that he could retire. I feel bad not only for his partner and his family but for my dad because he can't retire now. He has to start up working full time again. He is stressed to the max.

I had a long talk with my boyfriend this weekend about engagement and marriage. It was painful. He is still so hurt from our previous breakup. He says he needs time and that he doesn't know when he will be ready if ever. It breaks my heart. I am deeply in love with this man. I know he is the one for me. I would do anything for him. I wish there was something I could do to express to him how sorry I am for what happened before, and to show him how I have changed since then. I wish there was some way that I could prove myself. I wish I knew what he was looking for.

Things all just feel so out of control right now. Everything feels so up in the air. I wish I had the security of something but nothing feels stable right now. It is making me depressed messing with my eating disorder. The anxiety is still very high, especially socially. I couldn't go to my last group therapy because anxiety got the best of me. I just panic.

My birthday is coming up next week, and I just want it to be ignored. I don't feel the need to be celebrated. I am trying to put on a good face for my family and play along but my heart is not in it. I am going to be 25, and what do I have to show for it. I feel so unaccomplished. I look at others my age and I just feel like I am so far behind. I hate feeling like I am wasting my life away.

Going Along

As you can see by the title....things have been, well, just going along. I had family therapy with my parents for the first time with my therapist last week, and it actually went well! I was very impressed. I am in Richmond right now.....I was here for the weekend. I surprised my boyfriend by coming down on Saturday, and then I just decided to stay until I have therapy tomorrow. He is going through a lot right now because his roommate is moving out and he is giving him a really hard time with rent and stuff and so it is good to be here with him to help.

Things with my uncle are the same. It is so strange to be at this stage I suppose because he seems so full of life and healthy. It is terrifying to think about what is to come. My aunt is doing better. They are talking to oncologists this week and planning out treatment.

I haven't been doing so well lately at home. Sometimes I wish that I could be the one to be moving in with my boyfriend after his roommate leaves, but circumstances won't allow for that. I seem to do incredibly well when I am around him. I wish sometimes he would just ask me to marry him and we could just live happily ever after, but I know that is not reality right now, and that is not realistic. It has to be in his own timing. I am sure it will be perfect when it happens.

The job search is continuing to be incredibly difficult, every single thing I apply to I get either no response or rejected. So much for thinking a college degree would actually help. Everyplace I try to go and apply has no openings. Frustrating. Hopefully sometime soon I will get something.

Cancer

My uncle has lung cancer....it is official. It is stage 4. Meaning he has 6-36 months to live. The cancer is inoperable and untreatable. They can do some radiation, but it will only prolong the inevitable. Our entire family is devastated. I don't know what to say or what to do. I feel terrible. My aunt is a complete basket case. My uncle is in good spirits, but I just don't think the reality of it has really sunk in yet. My mom and I sped over there yesterday when we heard the news and cried together with my aunt. I am so glad now that I am moving home. I want to be able to spend as much time with my uncle as I can before the cancer starts getting really bad. I have got to be there for them. They have been there for me. I am so angry about all of this. My aunt and uncle were just about ready to retire. They could have really enjoyed their retirement. They loved each other so much. Why do bad things have to happen to such good people? I just don't understand. Nothing is ever going to be the same. Christmas will never be the same without him there at my grandmas. He was my "sweet potato buddy" he was the best bowler when went bowling on Thanksgiving and Christmas, when we were younger he used to take my sister and I to flea markets every Sunday and buy us stuff, take us shopping, take us to get ice cream.....who will fill those shoes? NOBODY. I will miss him so much.

Bad Day Yesterday

Yesterday was a terrible day. I felt awful. I don't know what was up with me. I was tired, sick to my stomach, and just achy all over. I got a text around noon from my boyfriend. He wanted me to come back to Richmond, so I decided I would. BAD idea. I got in a car accident on the way there because I was so tired. I didn't do any damage to the other car, but mine has a big dent in the front. I feel like a complete idiot.

My uncle had his biopsy yesterday. We will not know anything until Monday. My aunt would not let my mom and I go with her, but she called us right after and said that everything went okay. I am praying that somehow they got it wrong and he doesn't really have cancer. If he does, I hope that it is treatable.

So, I am in Richmond. Spending the weekend with my boyfriend. Today we are picking up his little cousin and going bowling with him. Tomorrow we are going to a baseball game. I should be excited, but I am just exhausted. I am depressed I suppose. Don't really know what is up with me. I just don't feel like being around anybody right now.

I put in my 60-day notice at my apartment complex. I am officially moving home. I will be home permanently at the end of August. Still searching for a job. Nothing is working out. Life is just overwhelming right now.