Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Missing it.....and lost motivation

Sometimes, I will have days where I honestly miss my days of anorexia.  Sick, huh??  Not the pain of it, but other things.  The illness brings with it a certain security, and a simplicity.  There is a control aspect of it that is calming to me.  To have my life so regimented, down to each moment.....what I will do, eat, how I will exercise, etc. It brings a certain security.  I know that in all honesty this is also my OCD and perfectionism speaking, and that the days of my anorexia were really a hellish nightmare, but because I was so isolated at the time, I could basically control EVERY aspect of my life.  I had no friends, well.....at least no friends who would bother to actually stop by and force me out of isolation or break my daily "schedule".  I had "acquaintances", more or less.  Having so much control was somewhat of a power trip, and at times, I think I miss that aspect of the disease.  I think I tend to be a very all-or-nothing person.  I am either doing something 100% or not at all. 

The point of my post is that I think I have let myself become a bit of a slacker.....and no, I am honestly NOT being too hard on myself.  I think at this point in my life I still sometimes underestimate my abilities because I think of myself as "sick" or "severely depressed" Mary, not the person I am today......and I am not just talking about my relationship with food.  I know that I have been somewhat slacking in this area.....not really following any meal plan, perhaps over eating at times, and when I'm not really hungry, but it really applies to all aspects of my life.

During my recovery process, I've slacked more in school, in my organizational skills, and even in personal hygiene.  When I came back from Tx last, I slacked in school A LOT.  Not studying hardly at all.  I still passed, but didn't get the grades I usually got.  Organizationally, I am much more of a slob, and hygiene-wise, I've gotten a lot better, but at one point (about 2 years ago) I would go a day or two without taking a shower.  I know some of this was depression, but now, I feel like I am stuck in a funk.  Like I am still in the "depression mentality".

Honestly, I don't want to be a neat freak, clean freak, or a goody-two shoes in school, I don't need the pressure.  However, it would be nice to regain some of the motivation I used to have.  I feel as though I have done a complete 360 from the person I used to be.  It seems odd.  I don't know how to regain my old motivation.

Friday, May 6, 2011


I feel like a pendulum.  I feel like I am constantly swinging back and forth between different levels of behaviors or different situations that I put myself in.  For example, 4 years ago, I hit rock bottom with my weight/restriction.  I was inpatient, and on a high weight gain diet for 6 weeks.  I don't want to mention any numbers here, but it was bad.

However, at this point in my life, I feel I have swung to another extreme.  I am teetering on the edge of being classified as "overweight", according to charts.  Although my bulimia is somewhat under control, I feel like food is now something that I do out of boredom.  I notice that when I get anxious or bored, I tend to resort to food.  This is just equally as unhealthy.

It is just really disappointing to feel like you have done a lot of work, only to realize that in a way, food still has such control over your life.  I just want to be a normal weight.  I want to not obsess about food.  I want to be able to stop myself when I feel full, and only eat when I feel hungry.....why is that SO hard??