I am breaking down. Slowly. On Thursday, June 10, Micky told me that he had no future intentions on ever getting married. He said he did not make enough money to support the both of us, and did not want to be married. I am moving home. I have thus far moved most of my things out of the condo. One more trip and I should be out. It feels surreal. Like it's not really happening. I cry, it doesn't help. It changes nothing. It hurts. It is just the beginning of the hurt. The true pain is just starting to sink in. I feel unloveable. Unwanted. Used. I feel like my chest is being crushed. Someone is pounding on my head. The back of my throat is swelling up. I am hyperactive, then depressed. Cramming down my feelings for nobody to see.
One of my good friends was in a major car accident this week. She was hurt, bad. I am so worried. She just got out of the ICU today. I want to go see her, but i don't know when I will be allowed to.
Another one of my good friends got married today. I feel like a jerk for bailing on her wedding at the last minute. I just didn't think I would be able to handle my emotions at a wedding properly. I am extremely happy for her, I am just so stuck in my own stupid head.
Another one of my friends wants me to call her because she is experiencing something similar. I can't. I am paralyzed. The thought of the phone is daunting. The thought of actual real peer support after having gone so long without it is terrifying. I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to act. I am no good at having friends.
Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe I really am.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
1:42 AM....I can not sleep. Not so sure why, but I can't. I have made the decision to not take the summer class I intended to take, and allow myself to relax a bit more and enjoy my summer off. I am going to try to find some shadowing opportunities around Richmond if possible. I really don't want to increase my work hours at this point although I am being encouraged by many to do so. My therapist and I decided that I will work intensely this summer on my depression. We are using a book and a workbook, plus sessions to work through it. I need to get myself to a point where I will feel comfortable going away to school in the fall of 2011. ED is not going so hot. I am stable, but behaviors are still present. I can not seem to get back onto a track of counting up more than 6-7 days without B/P. I feel somewhat stuck.....and somewhat skeptical about this whole book/depression work. I mean, I am still open to it, but just a bit doubtful that it will really work or help my depression at all in the end. When I hit those lows.....nothing can really help. The whole, "mindfulness/meditation" stuff, honestly seems a bit loopy to me, but whatever. It's never worked in the past, but we'll see what happens. I am just saddened by the state I find myself in. Frustrated with life in general. I tend to put on a very happy/giggly/bubbly front for others.....but when I am alone....nobody sees the ache. The deep longing I have for inner peace. It's like this huge void. I get completely numb at times. Feeling nothing, yet at other times I cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I actually feel bipolar, although I know I am not. I can go from okay one second, to completely miserable another. At times I sleep my days away to avoid the pain, but sometimes sleep will not come and I am stuck with my thoughts. I wish that sleep were as simple as an "on" and "off" button. Things would be much more bearable at times.