Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I have officially decided that winter is NOT my thing. I don't like it. It's cold, and it makes me want to coop up and stay inside all day under my covers. I much prefer spring. I am not a big fan of really hot summers either. I wish there was a place where it stayed around 72-75 all year. That would be perfect. Sorry, just a rant. It is snowing here right now, and as I sit here on my couch watching it, it just makes me depressed. Snow makes everything more complicated. You don't want to go out because you have to spend forever cleaning off your car, and then you have to drive all slow, etc. Just a hassle. I know I am being frustrated, but I am frustrated at the moment. I am anxious because I have a feeling of depression and that makes me anxious. It makes me anxious that it will start an downward spiral that I won't be able to stop. I don't really know what exactly triggered this one, I have some ideas, but don't know for sure. I am really trying to fight it off, but it's not working out for me so well. I stayed in bed until 11:30 AM today, until I got so fed up with myself I forced myself out. It seems as though the new medication is not working as well as it was and that is terrifying. I don't know if I need a higher dosage, but I don't want to top out. I know it is not my recent decisions that are triggering the depression, I am still very excited about going back to school and want to do it very badly. I guess I just feel lonely in a way. I crave attention that people can not give me. Perhaps it is all in my head. I don't know. I don't know what I need. I need something though, that I am not getting right now. I've been crying a lot recently, not really knowing the motivation behind it, just being sad. There is a hole inside me that needs to be filled with something, I don't know what yet, but something. Perhaps this program I am starting in the summer will be the answer...I am not sure.
Monday, January 24, 2011
I think I may be getting somewhere here. I've been doing some digging. The only thing I can go back to in my life that I have always loved is Math. I've always been good at it and always loved it. Loved solving the problems, and knowing that each problem has a definite answer. It was always so much easier for me than English, for example, where answers to questions are much more vague, and can come in various different forms. Math is much simpler.....it's either wrong or it's right. So, what can you do with math? I've come up with 2 possibilities: be and accountant or teach. I know I don't want to be an accountant. So.....teach! I will have to teach grade 5+, because that's when you become specialized in the different areas in school. I, however am actually thinking of teaching High Schooler's. Algebra I or II preferably, but we will see what comes my way, and what happens. I am applying to Shepherd University, which has a Math Education program......where I can get everything I need. Typically the program takes 4 years for a student to complete, but that is for an undergraduate coming in with NOTHING. I am hoping, that with my bachelor's in Psychology, I will have at least some of the classes out of the way. I do not, however, know if the math classes must me taken in sequence, meaning I can only take one after taking the previous one. The same goes for the Education classes. I am hoping that I will be able to start this summer. It is actually all very exciting to me. My nerdy self, I can't wait for the math classes. I feel like this is an answer to prayers. I know it may seem like it was obvious......since I liked math all along, I've just always been scared of teaching. I just feel like it's time to break out of the shell, though. I know I can do it. I love the subject enough, I know I have the passion to share it with others. I feel like this is what I have been waiting for. I am terribly nervous about talking to my parents about it. They do not even know I have applied to this college. I am going to talk to them about it tomorrow. They had originally wanted me to get a job ASAP, with benefits, something that I could start out in, and work my way up. I just feel like that is not right. I have a gut feeling that is not going to work out. I am trying to follow these feelings, because they don't usually happen by mistake. I feel like when I say "gut" feelings, I am really mean nudging from God. I think we have gut feelings for a reason, and that God is speaking to us through them. I am not saying that they are always 100% correct, but they are probably leading us in the right direction most of the time. I just don't see myself in a job right now. I honestly don't see myself getting hired in the first place. All I have to offer is a Bachelor's in Psych......that's not so much these days. Regardless, I want to get into this program, and I want it bad. I want these classes. I want to feel like I am productive again, and doing something I like doing. I don't want to be just be immobilized here at home anymore. I'm sick of it. I want to get out there, put myself out there. I know it's going to be scary, and I'm going to feel really anxious at first, but something has got to give here. I've gotten too comfortable where I am. I need to break out of the comfort zone, and start really living. That's what God wants for all of our lives.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
God is working in my life. Things are going well. Ever since that day, last week, I have continued to stay positive. I am still without any ED behaviors, almost 3 months now. I am not going back. I made a very big decision this week that I have been praying about. I decided to join the new church I have been attending. I went to the new members class, and I could just feel God speaking to my heart to join. The pastor is AMAZING. I also went to the Ladies night and a bible study the next two nights. I really enjoyed it. I really liked meeting some people my age, and learning more about God's word and the Bible. I have always loved learning about the Bible, but have always felt somewhat hesitant to do it on my own for fear of becoming misguided due to lack of my own understanding.....but now I feel so empowered! I feel like I have the tools in place to really learn and dig into the word. I am very excited about it. I am discovering what the word says about loving yourself, and not being anxious. It is really starting to help me and sink in. I know I will never be perfect, but it is helping ease some things.....slowly but surely, I know I am going to get there. It was so awesome, too, because I have really been thinking about where I want to go in life, since I have given up the Art Therapy. What is my passion? Where is my heart? I just felt really confirmed last night at Bible Study because the topic was just that. It was on finding your passion and what that should feel like and be like for you. I did not get a revelation in the class all of a sudden of what I wanted to do, but the class gave me a lot of hope. That God will and wants to reveal my passion to me, and that he will. I just have to keep praying and searching, and I will find it. Also, that the road to finding my passion may not be a straight one. There may be twists and turns along the way, but I will find it! It was just very positive, and really helped me to feel like I was doing the right things. So I am still on the hunt for my passion, but feel like I am making progress.
Friday, January 14, 2011
The past two days have been so bad, but so replenishing at the same time, I don't even know where to begin. First of all, Art Therapy is out. I've dropped all the classes, I'm not doing it. I can't fathom the thought of 2 more years of college, let alone the classes to get there. I went to my first class, Wednesday night, and came home in tears. I just couldn't do it again. No more school for me. 7 years for a bachelor's is enough! Secondly, my boyfriend and I broke up. Yes, things had been going so well. He is still my friend. He broke up with me to allow me to live my life, get things in order and give me time to find and love myself. Needless to say, the process of dropping classes and breaking up took quite a toll on me emotionally. I felt very directionless and very alone. I felt like my world was crumbling around me. In an act of pure stupidity I proceeded to take 8 Ativan. Immediately realizing the stupidity of this act, I called my therapist, my mom, and went to the ER. The ER treated me like dirt, and I ended up leaving after 3 hours with no treatment or counseling. I slept off the effects of the medication in 12 hours, without needing to go back. I feel so much remorse for the pain I caused my family, my friends, and myself throughout that process. I was thinking only of myself and it was purely stupid. Today, after sleeping in bed until 12 AM, and fighting with my parents who were just trying to look out for me, I came to a revelation. I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN. I AM IN CONTROL. I CAN HANDLE THIS, AND I CAN BE HAPPY, I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IN TO MISERY. It is so true. Just because my circumstances may have stunk at the moment, it doesn't mean I have to do something like that. I immediately got out of bed. Turned all of my meds over to my parents and gave them big hugs and apologized. We have a plan. We are meeting with my therapist next week. I will NEVER, EVER do anything like that again. My ex is miraculously still my friend. He is that kind of a person. I am still blessed beyond measure. Things could have been so much worse for me. I am planning on getting a job as soon as I can find one that I feel comfortable in (full-time). After that, finding my own house. My parents and I are shooting for the end of the year for these goals. I think this sounds reasonable. I am feeling so much more positive today it is unbelievable. I feel like a new person. I plan on getting involved in church more. Things can and will look up for me again, they are already. I have to think positively, and be happy with myself. I am accepting who I am. I was not born to be an art therapist, and that's okay. I will do great things with my life, in whatever area I choose to go into. God wouldn't have it any other way!! There is no way that I have been through what I have been through to do something halfway for the rest of my life.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
I have met someone new. Amazingness. That is all I can say right now. He makes me smile, warms my heart. I am trying SO hard not to fall to hard to fast like last time, but with this guy, it is almost impossible. He is what I have been looking for. A Christian with a gentleman's heart. He opens doors, jokes with me, calls me, texts me throughout the day, he is special. Honestly, I have never felt this way about someone before, and it makes me extremely nervous and excited at the same time. I know that I go into relationships with my heart. I KNOW this, but it is so hard to STOP and think logically when you are like me and you lead with your heart. We have had 2 dates, we are having our 3rd on Friday, but we have been talking on the phone since before New Years. He is a real sweetheart. Honestly, something I had my doubts about ever being able to find. As an added bonus, he is quite good looking as well! :) Just great all around. I seriously can NOT wait until Friday. I just had to get this all out somewhere. I am so excited about getting to know him more. I am thanking our amazing God for bringing him into my life. I am so blessed.