Friday, January 14, 2011

Its a long story...

The past two days have been so bad, but so replenishing at the same time, I don't even know where to begin.  First of all, Art Therapy is out.  I've dropped all the classes, I'm not doing it.  I can't fathom the thought of 2 more years of college, let alone the classes to get there.  I went to my first class, Wednesday night, and came home in tears.  I just couldn't do it again.  No more school for me.  7 years for a bachelor's is enough!  Secondly, my boyfriend and I broke up.  Yes, things had been going so well.  He is still my friend.  He broke up with me to allow me to live my life, get things in order and give me time to find and love myself.  Needless to say, the process of dropping classes and breaking up took quite a toll on me emotionally.  I felt very directionless and very alone.  I felt like my world was crumbling around me.  In an act of pure stupidity I proceeded to take 8 Ativan.  Immediately realizing the stupidity of this act, I called my therapist, my mom, and went to the ER.  The ER treated me like dirt, and I ended up leaving after 3 hours with no treatment or counseling.  I slept off the effects of the medication in 12 hours, without needing to go back.  I feel so much remorse for the pain I caused my family, my friends, and myself throughout that process.  I was thinking only of myself and it was purely stupid.  Today, after sleeping in bed until 12 AM, and fighting with my parents who were just trying to look out for me, I came to a revelation.  I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.  I AM IN CONTROL.  I CAN HANDLE THIS, AND I CAN BE HAPPY, I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IN TO MISERY.  It is so true.  Just because my circumstances may have stunk at the moment, it doesn't mean I have to do something like that.  I immediately got out of bed.  Turned all of my meds over to my parents and gave them big hugs and apologized.  We have a plan.  We are meeting with my therapist next week.  I will NEVER, EVER do anything like that again.  My ex is miraculously still my friend.  He is that kind of a person.  I am still blessed beyond measure.  Things could have been so much worse for me.  I am planning on getting a job as soon as I can find one that I feel comfortable in (full-time).  After that, finding my own house.  My parents and I are shooting for the end of the year for these goals.  I think this sounds reasonable.  I am feeling so much more positive today it is unbelievable.  I feel like a new person.  I plan on getting involved in church more.  Things can and will look up for me again, they are already.  I have to think positively, and be happy with myself.  I am accepting who I am. I was not born to be an art therapist, and that's okay.  I will do great things with my life, in whatever area I choose to go into.  God wouldn't have it any other way!! There is no way that I have been through what I have been through to do something halfway for the rest of my life.

1 comment:

  1. I am praying for you and I am here for you if you ever need to talk Mary. HUGS. you are strong and can and wil get through this. GOD is on your side and will always be. Keep me posted on everything.
    Connie

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