Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I thought in light of today being Thanksgiving, I would take some time to make a list of all the things I can think of that I am thankful for right now.  I don’t know how long it will end up being, but I thought would be a good way of remembering the meaning of the day.

  1. I am thankful for my family.  They are my support team.  I love them fiercly, and would not trade them for the world.
  2. I am thankful for my friends.  Both online and in real time, all of you have touched my life in a very special way, and for that I thank you.
  3. I am thankful that I am not in the same place that I am in at this time last year.
  4. I am thankful for my Treatment Team.  They have helped me in ways I could never have imagined.
  5. I am thankful for the new relationship I am in right now, and for whatever God has in store for me.
  6. I am thankful for the new church I have found nearby to attend.
  7. I am thankful for the world wide web, e-mail, and cell phone services.  They all help me keep in contact with people that are important to me on a daily basis.
  8. I am thankful that I have a safe home, do not go hungry, and do not need for anything.
  9. I am thankful for my body, although I have had my battles with it, I am thankful that it is healthy and gets me where I need to go.
  10. I am thankful for recovery, and the process of learning more and more each day about myself.

I think this list hits on the main topics that I wanted to hit on.  I hope that this post will come in handy for me when I am feeling depressed, to help me see things in a different light.  Looking at what I DO have in my life rather that what I DON’T.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

God's Timing

Well, what a roller coaster ride I have been on for the past weeks.  It has been quite amazing and I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the world (well, so  Let me explain myself.  When I broke up with my ex in June, to spite him, I created an account on an online dating site.  I actually paid for it, so that I could e-mail and chat with people.  Well, a certain person contacted me, and caught my attention.  We e-mailed over the summer, and for reasons beyond either of our control were unable to meet up until not this past Friday, but the Friday before.  We met for a movie at my local theater, where you can actually have a meal while watching your movie.  I had a great time, he was amazing, and I was shocked that he was actually what he had been telling me he was.  He was a real gentleman, and I just prayed that he would call me back.  Well...he did and we saw each other 4 times over the next week.  He has shown me how a girl should be treated.  For that I am forever grateful.  Even if this does not turn out to be anything, I have learned so much.  I am trying REALLY hard not to get to attached too fast, although it is proving hard.  Something definitely to work on, but I am making progress, slowly, but I am trying.  I do need to not get myself so entangled in someone else that my life comes to revolve around them, as I have done in past relationships.  So I am trying to stay active with my parents, active on facebook and such, trying to stay involved in other things as well.  It is a bit hard, because I do not have friends close to me, but I really want to make an effort to keep grounded.  I feel happy, and the medication is still working.  Things are going well.  It is actually somewhat scary for me, because I feel like it can't be anything could happen in a second and everything could come crashing down.  Like I don't deserve it.  I am trying to push those thoughts aside however, and focus on being in the moment.  Enjoying the moment for now, what it is, and taking it all in.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The past week or so....

So far, my new medication has continued to do its job fairly well.  There have been 2 or so days where I have felt a bit tired in the afternoon and required naps, but other than that things have been good.  I have been hanging around with my family more, and made much more of an effort to get out and about socially.  I stayed at my grandma's over the weekend while my parents and 2 of their friends went to Asheville, NC to visit my sister.  She is preparing to move to Ft. Collins, CO next week, and they went down to help her pack for the move.  My weekend went pretty well.  I got to go out with my aunt some, and spent time with my grandma.  I also worked on a scrapbook I have been meaning to get done for a long time.  I am almost finished with it.

The beginning of the week has been okay.  I have an online friend, whom I met through facebook, that I am very worried about.  She has an eating disorder (Anorexia) along with other things (depression, OCD, anxiety, etc.), and it has gotten very far out of control.  She is very sick.  She needs treatment very badly, however, she does not have insurance (well, she has Medicaid).  She also does not have money.  I am extremely scared for her life at this point.  She is so sweet and supportive.  Always been so kind to me.  I know deep in my heart that this girl wants to recover, she is just so deep in her disorder at this point, she does not know how to get out on her own.  She needs a long-term inpatient stay.  Her cheapest quote so far has been $68,000, which she can come no where close to paying.  I just don't want to loose her.  I feel like I just can not stand by and watch her die.  I am scared.

It makes me sick too, to think that I was once where she was.  To imagine that I was doing the same thing to my family.  Praise God for my insurance company.  It is so hard to imagine what would have happened to me if I had not gotten treatment.  I seriously think I would be dead.  I can relate to my friend so much.  I understand how she feels so stuck.  I wish I could somehow lend her my insurance for a while......I know that isn't possible, but I just feel so helpless and useless.  It is a real eye-opener as to how my family must have felt with me.  Very painful realization.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Update....a GOOD one!!!

You all probably won't believe it, but....yes, that is me.  Outside, in the fresh air, out of my room and bed on a horse.  I started a new medication on last Friday, and it is working wonders.  I have a renewed energy, and hope for the future.  I feel like a new person.  I am keeping everything possible crossed that it keeps working!!  As for the details of this picture, my mom and her friend and I went horseback riding this weekend in the mountains.  It was absolutely BEAUTIFUL.  The fall colors were in peak and it was amazing.  I am so excited to see my team tomorrow and share with them the good news.  There are a few annoying side effects to this medication, but I am hoping that by tweaking the dosage some they will go away.  I am having problems with headaches, and some trouble sleeping, but the sleeping is getting a little bit better.  I realize that this medication has in no way healed me of all of my problems, but I feel like I am able to actually do the work now.  Before, it was like I had lost hope.  I just felt like I was going to live the rest of my life in my bed in that fog of depression.  I feel like running into my Psychiatrist's office tomorrow and tackling him with a big hug!!  This is actually very funny because if you know me, I am a mere 5'3" and my psych is probably well over 6'6".  Anyways, if you read this, please pray that this medication continues working for me!!