Dragging

I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I am worried about my uncle. My aunt finally told my parents last night about him, so at least I don't have to keep it a secret any more. I am very frustrated that the biopsy isn't scheduled until next Thursday.....I mean, couldn't they have gotten him in sooner, we are talking about lung cancer here. He doesn't have time to waste. My aunt told us yesterday that what he said was that he always knew that he was going to get cancer, but he had hoped that he would have had a little more time. That is heartbreaking. He doesn't deserve this. He has had a very hard life. Sometimes I wonder how God can do this, it makes me question everything. How can he just standby and watch an innocent man get diagnosed with cancer, and I am not just talking about my uncle.....I mean anybody. Nobody deserves to suffer from cancer. How can God let cancer exist? It doesn't make sense. I don't see the purpose of cancer. It makes me not want to believe any more. That makes me sad. Then again nothing seems to make sense these days. I haven't been able to see God's purpose in my life in a while. Why is all this bad stuff happening to me.....is he testing me? Because I definitely don't need to be tested right now. I know God works in mysterious ways....but I just can't see how any of this could be positive right now. The apartment fire? my therapist leaving? CANCER? How is he using any of that for his good? I just don't get it.

Update

Yesterday my aunt told me that the doctors told my uncle that they think he has lung cancer. They are going to do a biopsy, which is scheduled for next Thursday to be sure, but they are pretty sure it is cancer. My aunt was a mess. I had to hold her while she cried. I can not deal with all of this. It is overwhelming.

Somehow this week, though, I have managed to keep behaviors under control. I think because family has been around. I haven't been left alone at night, which is a very bad time for me. So it has been 6 days now with out any behaviors. Not great, but it's something.

I talked to my parents today and they are coming with me to therapy on July 7. I am extremely worried about it. I just hope that what I need to say comes across the way I want it to. My dad actually asked me today "She isn't going to be mean to us is she?" referring to my therapist. Don't know where that came from. Guess he didn't care to much for the last therapist I had in Richmond. So I know I have to be gentle with them.

My boyfriend is coming tomorrow to stay until Sunday, so I am excited about that. The weekend should be pretty good. I don't know what we'll do tomorrow, but I'm sure we'll find something fun to do. Next weekend we are going to a baseball game. The Washington Nationals vs. the Atlanta Braves. He is a HUGE Braves fan, so that should be fun too.

The job search is still going. I have applied for 5 jobs this week. 4 at the hospital and 1 at a pharmacy. I'd really like to get a job at the hospital, I think I would like it there. I just hope that I can find one where I can fit in going to Richmond once a week for appointments.

I am still having a hard time with my therapist leaving. Some days I feel better about it, some days I don't. Some days I still want to give up on therapy, some days I realize how much I still need a therapist. I know how much I need to call this new therapist and schedule an appointment, but I just can't make myself do it. It's like I don't like her already and I haven't even given her a chance. I just feel like she will never measure up. Ugh. My eyes are tearing up.

My Week So Far

Well...my week has gone okay so far. I managed to make it to group therapy this week. I was almost in panic before I got there, I had to take some deep breaths in my car before I went in and I walked to the door very slowly, considering how easily I could just turn back around and escape back to the comfort of my car and drive away with each step. But I didn't. I made it through. I tried to be present. I talked. I don't know how much sense I made, but I tried. I know I can do it again. I will keep trying.

I feel very tired lately. I am having trouble getting to sleep at night. Worrying about things. I am extremely worried about my uncle. I find out whether or not it is cancer on Friday, 2 days, 48 hours. I am so scared for him.

I just had therapy today and I am considering bringing my family to one of my upcoming sessions. They are having some trouble understanding why I need to start out with a part-time job. They want me to be full-time. I don't think they understand the extent of my depression and how I actually feel on the inside most of the time. I am constantly trying to put on a "happy face" and act "happy" around them. I guess it is working. I just don't want to worry them. They have spent so much of the last 10 years worrying about me. They don't understand the extent of the sadness I feel, and how much I still mentally bash myself. I just don't know if I can handle being full-time at first. I am afraid I will crash and burn.

The thing is, I really dislike bringing them to family sessions because I sometimes feel like they don't really absorb what is being said. They sometimes talk a lot and the therapist can't get a word in edge wise. I don't know.

Happy Father's Day!

I have to say that overall today has been a MUCH better day than the past two days. I mostly attribute that to the fact that I was surrounded by family all day. I have to say that through all of this crap that I have been through....my family has been by my side and super supportive. Sure, they have their moments, when they disagree with my treatment team about something, or they push me unnecessarily, but overall...I am one lucky girl. Hearing other girl's stories in treatment and outside of treatment, I feel very blessed.

It is also one thing that tends to bother me sometimes because I feel like, I came from such a privileged background.....how did I end up so messed up? It doesn't seem to make much sense in many ways. I know eating disorders and depression have more to do than with family, but it seems like such a big part. It makes me feel like such a failure to them as their daughter. They seriously did the best they possibly could with what they had in raising me, and what do I have to offer them in return? They were my main motivation in my last treatment to get better, but it still wasn't enough. I am still not better. I hope that one day I can be a daughter that they can be proud of.

Bad Night

Terrible night last night. Spent it alone because my parents were gone. Not good. I tried to call my boyfriend for support and I just felt totally brushed off. It was like he didn't care. I am terrified that I am loosing him because of my ED. He is one of the only things that keeps me sane right now.

Sometimes I feel like a hopeless case. Like I will never get over this. Medication doesn't help and never has. My weight fluctuates so much because of all the things I put my body through. I feel like it will never get back to "normal". Whatever that is. I loose and gain the same 25 lbs over and over again. Sorry if this is triggering to anyone.

I wish I could go back in time, to that 13 year old girl and just tell her that everything is OKAY. Not to push so hard, not to worry so much, not to take it out on herself. That she is beautiful the way she is. If it would have made a difference, I would die to do it all over again.

My social anxiety is like a cage that I have trapped myself in. I have no real time close friends, only acquaintances. I avoid people like the plague. We have this group therapy thing every 2 weeks that I am a part of, and I haven't been able to go because of it. I am so terrified about what others will think of me, what the hell I am going to say, that I nearly panic the day of the group and have to call in. The leader knows this. I know not a single person in that group is judging me, logically, but I just can't get over it. I stay silent the whole time I am there except for when I have to speak. I wish I could give others feedback in the group but my vocal chords just don't seem to work when I am there. I am so anxious the whole time I watch the clock like a hawk. It is really ridiculous when I think about it.

Sorry for all the writing.

First Post

Hello Everyone. I guess I should start off by introducing myself and my intent for creating this. My name is Mary. I have been struggling with depression, anxiety, and an Eating Disorder since I was 13 (I am 24 now, and will be 25 in August). My point of this is to just get my thoughts down somewhere. Sometimes it is really hard for me to verbalize what I am thinking and it is easier for me to just write it down somewhere. I am currently in the recovery process for all the above and I just need a safe place. Sometimes my thoughts can be all over the place. I am not so organized with my writing....as you can probably tell, and I am sorry at times if I am hard to follow. I think a blog will help me be able to look back on what I have written and see my long-term progress, or lack there of.

I have been struggling a bit lately with all of the things that seem to be going on in my life, and it is causing my depression to flare up again. There are so many things going on:

1. I just graduated from college, and I am trying to find a job. It is proving to be extremely challenging in this economy and in the area I am living. My parents are putting a lot of pressure on me and it is hard.
2. My current therapist is moving to Florida in July. It is breaking my heart, she was the best therapist I have ever had, and I am so sad to see her go. I don't know how I will survive without her. I have to start soon with a new therapist and it is killing me.
3. There was an apartment fire in the apartment across the hall from me last week. That is the second fire in 6 months. I am scared to live there anymore. So I need to find a new place to live. I am considering moving back in with my parents, but I just don't know what to do.
4. My aunt told me this week that my uncle has a lump on his lung. Both of his parents and sister died of lung cancer. I am close to him. I am terrified. I am the only other person in my family who knows and my aunt swore me to secrecy. I find out June 26th if it is cancer.
5. I had my first panic attack last week. It was horrifying. I thought I was dying. I had to go to a patient first and get checked out. I am so scared it is going to happen again at any moment.

This is all so hard. The depression triggers anxiety which in turn triggers my ED. I have managed to keep my ED symptoms somewhat under control, but I think that is because I have not allowed myself to stay alone for very long. If I am left alone for any length of time.....it is all over. I binge, purge or starve. I am disgusted by my body and disgusted by the way I look. I am trying to work on that.

I am hoping that as the summer goes on, some of these things will resolve themselves and things will get better. I am just stuck in a rough place right now. I am praying for things to just get easier. I am hoping to try to update once a week if I can, maybe more if I feel up to it. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads this.