Friday, June 19, 2009

First Post

Hello Everyone. I guess I should start off by introducing myself and my intent for creating this. My name is Mary. I have been struggling with depression, anxiety, and an Eating Disorder since I was 13 (I am 24 now, and will be 25 in August). My point of this is to just get my thoughts down somewhere. Sometimes it is really hard for me to verbalize what I am thinking and it is easier for me to just write it down somewhere. I am currently in the recovery process for all the above and I just need a safe place. Sometimes my thoughts can be all over the place. I am not so organized with my writing....as you can probably tell, and I am sorry at times if I am hard to follow. I think a blog will help me be able to look back on what I have written and see my long-term progress, or lack there of.

I have been struggling a bit lately with all of the things that seem to be going on in my life, and it is causing my depression to flare up again. There are so many things going on:

1. I just graduated from college, and I am trying to find a job. It is proving to be extremely challenging in this economy and in the area I am living. My parents are putting a lot of pressure on me and it is hard.
2. My current therapist is moving to Florida in July. It is breaking my heart, she was the best therapist I have ever had, and I am so sad to see her go. I don't know how I will survive without her. I have to start soon with a new therapist and it is killing me.
3. There was an apartment fire in the apartment across the hall from me last week. That is the second fire in 6 months. I am scared to live there anymore. So I need to find a new place to live. I am considering moving back in with my parents, but I just don't know what to do.
4. My aunt told me this week that my uncle has a lump on his lung. Both of his parents and sister died of lung cancer. I am close to him. I am terrified. I am the only other person in my family who knows and my aunt swore me to secrecy. I find out June 26th if it is cancer.
5. I had my first panic attack last week. It was horrifying. I thought I was dying. I had to go to a patient first and get checked out. I am so scared it is going to happen again at any moment.

This is all so hard. The depression triggers anxiety which in turn triggers my ED. I have managed to keep my ED symptoms somewhat under control, but I think that is because I have not allowed myself to stay alone for very long. If I am left alone for any length of time.....it is all over. I binge, purge or starve. I am disgusted by my body and disgusted by the way I look. I am trying to work on that.

I am hoping that as the summer goes on, some of these things will resolve themselves and things will get better. I am just stuck in a rough place right now. I am praying for things to just get easier. I am hoping to try to update once a week if I can, maybe more if I feel up to it. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads this.

1 comment:

  1. hi mary,
    this is Elisa, we were suite mates at the CFC about 2 years ago. Im sad to hear that times are rough for you right now, but im really proud and inspired by you to share what youre feeling and youre trials with other. i too am stuggling with my recovery from ED. i'll do good for a few weeks or a month, then things fall apart again. i feel that i am at my rock bottom... again. its so frustrating and i feel youre pain. basically, i want you to know that you are not alone it this. and i hope that trough this blog you can connect with others that need someone to talk to when no one else understands or just to get your feelings out. my heart breaks for anyone who has been victim of this miserable disease, and i pray that you will have strength to keep going a day at a time. you can do it girl! all my love, Elisa

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