Thursday, December 30, 2010

Rest In Peace...William Bernard Just 9/8/23 - 12/24/10

So I just got home from a funeral, of an old man who used to sit behind me in church growing up.  Him and his wife, Claire, were seriously the cutest old couple I have ever met in my life.  I have never met two people in my life more willing to listen, give their time, and just joke around with a little girl in my life.  Even when I went away to college, they would write me long notes, it was the sweetest thing I have ever seen.  When I saw his obituary in the paper, it was so sad.  At the funeral today I got to see his wife again, it was so good to see her.  I gave her a big hug, and told her how much I had missed her.  I was amazed that she remembered me instantly! I found out during the service that Mr. Just had served in the Air Force during WWII and was very into airplanes and building model planes.  I also learned that Mr. and Mrs. Just would have celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary this year.  They were so in love with each other, it really restores my faith in marriage to see a couple like that.  They were in love to the very end.  He was a special man and I will never forget him.  He also had a deep faith in God, and was a true believer in Christ.  At the end of the service, they shared he and his wife's favorite poem, "Footprints in the Sand" which brought a tear to my eye, because it has always been a favorite of mine as well.  I want to post the poem below in case any of you have not heard of it.

Footprints in the Sand

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also notices that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
Troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you the most,
you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you only see one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Christmas.....came with ups and downs

Well, overall my Christmas was very good.  The day after, however was not.  I should have seen it coming, the tell tale signs had been there for a bit, but my relationship with the new guy ended with me being dumped.  He was not ready for a committed relationship.  Honestly, now, looking at things, I am glad to have found out now and not to have been strung along.  I was very upset at the time, and said some things that should not have been said, but I have apologized for that.  So, I am again single, but I have learned from this experience some things that I now want in a relationship, and will move forward.  I took a day where I was fairly mopey, but considering this relationship only lasted less than 2 months, I am glad I did not have more time to become more attached.  I am back on the horse.  I know now 2 things that I want in a relationship that I was NOT getting out of this one.  First, I want a Christian man.  Not someone who just puts that down as their religion, but who actually practices.  Goes to church, prays, has Jesus in their heart.  Second, I need someone who will pay me a bit more attention when we are apart.  In the little things, like a text to say "Hi, I'm thinking of you." or something like that.  This was something I was not getting out of the last relationship, that I think would be nice.  In my last post I discussed my new years resolutions, and I am very serious about them, especially the one about attending church and doing my devotional.  I really want to work on my relationship with God this year.  I accepted Christ into my heart in college, but I really want to deepen that relationship over the next year.  I want to study his word, learn more about Him, and allow him to work in my life.  I hate feeling like I am one of those Christians that gives there heart to Jesus but then doesn't do anything after that.  I really need to dig into scripture and learn.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Goals for the New Year 2011

I decided to make some "New Years Resolutions", although I hate calling them that, because I just feel like they have always been connected to some form of weight loss in the past for me, but this year, I am setting more like goals for myself.  Things to strive for.  I want them to be things that I don't beat myself up for if they don't get done, but things that I strive really hard to get done.  Here is my list of 8 things so far:

§      Continue without ED Behaviors.
§      Start doing a Daily Devotional, set aside time each day to focus on it.
§      Pray each night before bed.
§      Attend church as much as possible.
§      Save more money by focusing on NEEDS vs. WANTS.
§      Spend more time fostering friendships.
§      Work on organization and cleanliness.
§      Work on exercising in a healthy way 2-3 times per week.

I think these are all healthy goals, which are achievable.  I am going to try to make myself checklists and such to help me accomplish these goals.  I am hoping that it goes well.  I will update about it.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas is almost here!

I can't believe how quickly time passes sometimes.  Just 3 days left until Christmas.  Wow.  I went to an amazing church service this past Sunday.  The pastor was discussing the Human Condition.  We live in a time where storms often come, and we want to escape because the future may look bleak, but we need to TRUST that God cares and knows about the storm.  We all need to recognize we are broken people, and ask Jesus to help us see our sin.  We must repent.  We need to recognize our need for a Savior.  There is shelter from the storm, and his name is Jesus.  He talked about what Christmas was really about - Jesus coming to save us.  It is our responsibility to share the good news this season.  We must pray for the unsaved.  At the end of his sermon, the pastor asked anyone who felt led, to come forward to the altar for prayer.  You could come forward for prayer for yourself if you felt in the midst of the storm, prayer for strength to share Jesus with others, or prayer for certain unsaved loved ones.  I could feel the Holy Spirit moving inside me saying, "GO GO GO!".  So up I went.  I knelt amongst others, and had a hand laid on my back by an elder of the church who prayed over me.  I prayed for myself amongst the storm I have been facing with the Depression, and continued freedom from it, but more specifically, I prayed for the salvation of my sister.  God has laid her on my heart for a long time....ever since I became a Christian.  I have tried at times to reach out to her, inviting her to church with me, giving her Bibles, but to no avail.  I fear for her soul, but I honestly don't know her heart.  Her lifestyle is very different from mine, I don't know all the details, but I know she does not attend church regularly.  I just fear that she is not keeping Christ at the forefront of her life.  Now, I know I am not perfect, I know I am a sinner, I ask God everyday for forgiveness of my sins, but I feel afraid that Christ may not be in her heart.  I don't know what to do, I know it is up to her, it is just heavy on my heart.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I felt it today.

I felt it today.  I was driving to Target to pick out "stocking stuffers" for myself as my mom is too busy this year with she and my dad retiring to get out much and do things and there it was.....the ugly monster in my head.  Depression.  It has not visited me in quite a while.  I literally just started crying and had to loop the parking lot a few times to calm myself.  I don't know if this has been a slow build or what, but it definitely hit me all at once and knocked me for a loop.  I had to just park my car, and sit and wait and then basically force myself into the store because I knew that just driving home and burying myself in my bed would not help.  After I got on a roll, it faded, but it is still there.  I know of a couple of things that could be bringing it on.  Christmas is all around a hard time of year for me, it always has been.  In addition, the cold weather is hard on me.  It makes me want to stay inside and just hide away.  Stay warm.  I can't wear the clothes I want to wear, because I am so cold all the time, so I feel like I look terrible all the time.  Like a bum or something, so I don't really feel good about myself.  Another thing that could have brought it on today is hearing that someone I used to know that is younger than me is getting married.  It just plain hurts.  I want to find a person and get married so bad.  I want to have children.  The person I am dating now has the potential, there are just some things that make it hard.  He was recently hurt, and is not ready to open up with me much except for slowly.  I feel that he likes me, but I know that I like him a lot more than he likes me, and that hurts.  I don't want another broken heart, but I really like this guy.  His job keeps him very busy, and while it does bother me a bit, I have to be understanding.  It is his income.  I just get too attached too quickly.  I expect too much too quickly.  I just wish that we lived a bit closer sometimes.  An hour away seems very far right now.  I don't know.  I know I just have to trust in God in these moments.  That he will show me what is meant to be.  That he will direct my path.  He will guide me.  It is just hard at times.  I do know, however, that prayer is comforting.  I will continue to pray over all of this.  Prayer heals and helps.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Christmas Time!

I have not updated in a while! I have been quite busy. Which for me, I think, is a good thing.  I've been trying to fill my days up more with things to do to keep myself busier than I have been in the past.  My new medication is continuing to work wonderfully.  I am so happy about it.  I am in a new relationship and it is going well, and I am happy.  I am so thankful that I already have all of my Christmas shopping done!  Now it is just the wrapping and decorating the gifts that I have to get done.  I am excited about all the gifts I have gotten and excited to give them.  This may sound cliche, but I LOVE giving much more than receiving them.  I love finding the PERFECT thing for people.  Seriously, I will start looking in September.  I hope I did alright this year.  For some family members I had to resort to their given "lists" instead of finding something unique and special, but at least I know they will like it.  I do also try to remember, however, that Christmas is NOT about giving gifts.  I have started attending church again recently with an old friend at a local church, which has been REALLY good.  The church is not exactly what I was looking for but it is the best fit I have been able to find around me.  The pastor is extremely enthusiastic, which makes it very hard NOT to listen to the sermons.  The sermon last week was on basically keeping Christ in Christmas.  I think it is very hard to loose sight of that sometimes.  It is so easy to get caught up in the gifts, family get togethers, decorating, etc. and loose sight of what Christmas is really about.....Jesus.  I really want to try hard to keep reminding myself this year of what Christmas is really about.  Yes...I love giving gifts, but that is not what Christmas is about.  Christmas is about the birth of our savior.  I want to try to do something special this year, I haven't thought of what yet, but I am going to do something.  Just to help keep my mind in the right place.