I feel like I need to update, although not much has really been going on in my life. I am working. Trying to keep up. Still no binging/purging. 42 days now. I have been working a lot on crafts for christmas. I really want to make my mom a quilt, I am going to try to make a rag quilt for her. Hopefully it will work out. I ordered my 2nd sewing machine this week. My first one never actually worked. I am starting early making gifts to get them all done in time.
As for how I am feeling emotionally, I just don't know. I am tired. Drained. I don't know if I am eating enough. I am slowly dropping weight, but I need to, so I don't know what to think. I am counting calories again. That is a bad thing. I used to do that when I was anorexic. Of course, I did a lot of other things too that I am not doing when I was anorexic, but still. It just brings back those feelings, and that mentality. It is hard to not obsess. I know I don't want to go back there, but I also know I need to loose weight, and I want it gong now. I hate my body right now. I feel so ugly and terrible about myself. My body image is so poor. I don't even want people touching me, even Micky, which hurts him, and makes me feel terrible. Ugh. I don't know. I want to get over this but it is so hard. I know I can't go back. I must forge ahead. I need to make progress. I need to just let go of all of this obsessing about food.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I have set my next goal.....to make it past 75 days. Day 75 would be October 29, so if I can get through Halloween unscathed, I have made it the longest I have gone in the past 2 years. I hope I can make it. I have got to keep on going. Keep up. I have a LONG day at work tomorrow, my shift is 12:30 to 10. YUCK. That is my longest shift yet. I did get my first paycheck today, though, so that was exciting. I have been feeling very very tired all the time lately. I hope that I am not getting sick. My boyfriend has been sick, and that is the last thing that I need! I was going to try to get home to see my parents this weekend, but it turns out that I work Monday, so it is sort of pointless to drive there and back on Sunday. I had no therapy or dietitian this week, which was harder that I thought it would be. It is nice to have someone to talk things over with and just check in with. But my therapist will be back next week, so I am happy about that. I have been looking into spring classes and certificate programs at J. Sargent Reynolds Community College, but haven't decided exactly what I want to do yet. I still have some time, though. Body image stuff still is affecting me daily. I hate not being in my weight range. It makes me feel huge. The sad part is, I have done this to myself all the binging and purging, put the weight on me. Now I am trying to follow this meal plan and it is hard. I want to restrict some days, and some days I just get overwhelmed with it. I find myself counting calories some days and I know that is dangerous territory for me. Not that I know if I have actually lost anything. My scale is at home. My clothes don't feel any looser. I feel like a failure at this all. I just want to be healthy, I hate being outside of what my dietitian feels is right for me. Sometimes I feel like I would die to know what I weighed, but I know that all it is is a number, I can't let a number dictate how I feel. And that is exactly what I would allow it to do. I have vowed to leave it up to my dietitian, and I need to keep that promise. It is just so hard sometimes. I want to feel beautiful.....to see beauty in myself. To love myself. I just don't know if I will ever reach a point where I can truly feel that way.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It has been a month now. No binging or purging. 31 days. I am incredibly proud, but I still feel like I have a lot to work on in terms of sticking to my meal plan and keeping things under wraps. The job at Jo-Ann Fabrics is still working out good. I worked a lot of hours last week and still managed to stay sane. I can work the registers now, and have a better idea of where things are in the store. The only downfall is that for some reason they seem to like putting me on the Tuesday 6:00 AM - 1:00 PM shift. It is okay, but I haven't seen that time of the morning in a VERY long time. Tuesdays are when the truck comes to make deliveries, so I am there to help unload. I have found a new passion for sewing. I have already sewn a decorative pillow for Micky and a pillowcase for me. Right now I am working on a purse and a wallet, made from that quilted material that you find on Vera Bradley stuff. The only thing is, I don't have my sewing machine here with me in Richmond, so I am doing it all by hand, but it is still fun. It helps keep my mind off of things. My dad's birthday is today. I told him part of his present was that I had been a month without binging or purging, he was overjoyed. Living with Micky is working out very well. We are getting along, but having our alone time to ourselves as well. It is really nice. I am practicing using my voice with him and choosing what activities I want to do and what I don't. Like going to his parents, seeing his sister, going here or there, etc. It has been good. I get my first paycheck this Friday, and I am excited about that too. I swear I worked almost 40 hours last week!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Today is my 20th day without binging or purging. It has been hard, but I am making it. I got a new job this week......FINALLY. It is at Jo-Ann Fabrics in Richmond. So far I have worked 2 days. There is SO much to learn. I feel overwhelmed, but almost in a good way, like the job might not get so monotonous, like other jobs I have had in the past have. I like all the people I have worked with so far, so that is good. My managers are nice, and they call me on my stuff. Two of them have actually told me already "Mary, it doesn't have to be perfect!" I think that's kinda funny. I have been mostly working at the cutting table, cutting fabrics for customers, I haven't learned the ropes of the registers yet. It has given me a new inspiration to want to learn to sew, though! So, since my job is in Richmond, it looks like I will be moving back here. Micky is actually considering letting me live with him!! I am astounded! I will pay him rent, of course, but still!! I am so excited!! He is already planning out a closet for me, so I am REALLY hoping he lets me. He says he will give it a "trial" run of a few months first, though. Whatever, I do all his laundry, dishes, make him breakfast, clean, etc. He will love it! Plus the rent will be VERY good. Because it will be all inclusive. With me here and his other roommate here, his mortgage is completely covered. Anyway, so things are looking up. The 15th is only 11 days away!! I know I can make it!! Micky and I also joined a gym this week and started working out. We only went 2 days this week, but it's a start. 2-3 days a week is fine with me. I don't need to be obsessive about that. I also got my Tragus pierced this week. It is something I have been wanting to do. It's that little flap on your ear, right where your ear canal starts. I like it. It was kinda like a reward for myself. So I guess a lot has been going on this week. It has been a busy one. But good. I feel good about things right now, and I hope that it continues to stay that way.