So, I just realized that nearly one year ago today.....it would have been January 13.......I attempted to end everything. It was a very silly thing that set it off, but more deeply rooted emotions behind the feelings. I am proud of myself for how far I have come in a year. Although the memory still haunts me at times, and the event itself was quite scary. I feel extremely guilty for the event itself, and for the anguish I put the person through who "set it off" who in reality had nothing to do with it. I also feel extreme guilt for the pain and stress I put on my parents.
I was in an extremely fragile state. I was teetering with having multiple decisions to make, about school, boys, where to live, money, and it was all extremely overwhelming for me. I am not a good decision maker and having that many to make all at one time was too much. What I needed to do at the time was take a step back, take a deep breath, and take things one step at a time, rather than feeling as though I had to tackle it all at once.
Some decisions, I have realized, come over time. At least for me, anyway. I usually come to the best conclusion when I am least stressed. So, trying to make any kind of decision at that time last year was not a good idea anyway. I was not in the right mindset at all. Allowing myself the rest of this year to come to some conclusions about these decisions I have been needing to make has been best for me, and I have been able to actually decide on all of them. I just need to remember not to stress myself out by forcing myself to make decisions quickly.
I also need to remember not to be scared to make a decision based on what I think other people are going to think of my decision. First of all, it is my life, and I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. And second, I am also willing to accept advice and take it into consideration when making a decision. I just can't let other people's advice rule my decision. I think this is a lot of what I was dealing with at that time, fear of disappointing my family, and it had built up to the point where it became hard to bear.
I am just happy to be where I am today at this moment, and glad that God granted me the second chance I have right now.