Monday, January 16, 2012

1 Year

So, I just realized that nearly one year ago would have been January 13.......I attempted to end everything.  It was a very silly thing that set it off, but more deeply rooted emotions behind the feelings.  I am proud of myself for how far I have come in a year.  Although the memory still haunts me at times, and the event itself was quite scary.  I feel extremely guilty for the event itself, and for the anguish I put the person through who "set it off" who in reality had nothing to do with it.   I also feel extreme guilt for the pain and stress I put on my parents.

I was in an extremely fragile state.  I was teetering with having multiple decisions to make, about school, boys, where to live, money, and it was all extremely overwhelming for me.  I am not a good decision maker and having that many to make all at one time was too much.  What I needed to do at the time was take a step back, take a deep breath, and take things one step at a time, rather than feeling as though I had to tackle it all at once.

Some decisions, I have realized, come over time.  At least for me, anyway.  I usually come to the best conclusion when I am least stressed.  So, trying to make any kind of decision at that time last year was not a good idea anyway.  I was not in the right mindset at all.  Allowing myself the rest of this year to come to some conclusions about these decisions I have been needing to make has been best for me, and I have been able to actually decide on all of them.  I just need to remember not to stress myself out by forcing myself to make decisions quickly.

I also need to remember not to be scared to make a decision based on what I think other people are going to think of my decision.  First of all, it is my life, and I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions.  And second, I am also willing to accept advice and take it into consideration when making a decision.  I just can't let other people's advice rule my decision.  I think this is a lot of what I was dealing with at that time, fear of disappointing my family, and it had built up to the point where it became hard to bear.

I am just happy to be where I am today at this moment, and glad that God granted me the second chance I have right now.


  1. I am so proud of you Mary and so happy for you!!!! It is okay to have down days, but I am so glad that you are not allowing them to bring you down!! What is your major? I am way excited for the things coming up for you. You are going to make a great wife and soon!