Thursday, August 27, 2009

Day 13

Well, I have now made it 13 days without binging or purging. I feel proud of myself, but at the same time, my body image is so poor, it makes it hard to feel accomplished. I am trying to work on that. I made the HUGE mistake of weighing myself last night and I got very upset. Sometimes I just wish life were easier. My decisions about my future have changed some in the past week. I am looking for a job for this semester, then I am going to most likely go back to Community College somewhere (home or Richmond) to get my certificate for a Graphic Design Office Assistant. It sounds really interesting for me. I like to be creative and I think it will definitely help me in the job market. I have applied to jobs at numerous places both at home and in Richmond. I am really hoping to work at either Michael's or Target. Both said they had openings, so maybe. The online applications are crazy long. The Michael's one asked me 200+ questions about myself. I am officially out of my apartment at Honey Tree on the 31st. I am glad to be out of there. I was paying WAY to much in rent there. I am contemplating a move back to Richmond (kind of ironic since we just moved all my stuff back to Winchester) but the environment at home has not been as I had expected. I am actually alone a lot more of the day that I would be if I were in Richmond with my boyfriend. I just have to find the job first. Hopefully Richmond will work out and I will be able to find a new apartment for a lot cheaper. I've been looking around, and there are lots of possibilities, I just need to actually go there and check them out, and check out the area. Funny how things can change like that. My goal right now is to make it a month without binging or purging. I feel like if I can make it a month I can do it long-term. So September 15 is the day to make it to.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Better Days

I can't explain it, I don't understand it, but somehow......the past 5 days have been binge/purge free. I give a lot of credit to my group therapy session I had on Monday, and to my new therapist. A very sweet friend in my group helped talk me through some things, I can't explain it well, but it made me really think hard....hard about what I wanted for myself, about how hard I wanted to stop what I was doing. She gave me examples of what she did for some of her behaviors to stop them and honestly I was amazed by her will power and inventiveness. I was like "I can do that! I can beat this too!" I have done some pretty odd things this week not to binge/purge. I think I have probably done a zillion loads of laundry and cleaned a thousand dishes, but it has worked so far. It has given me some hope. My body image is still in the garbage, and I am still fighting the thoughts SOOOO hard.....I don't feel like I am there yet, but at least things are better. I am trying to manage some sort of meal plan, at least some kind of thing, but not doing so well at that. I need to get serious and get back on my assigned meal plan. I need to be back down in my weight range, I know if I do I will feel so much better about myself. My new therapist has been really encouraging....I am really starting to like her. My dietitian is encouraging as well, and I love her to death. Job stuff and family stuff is still hard. When I told my family how much I was struggling, they reacted very negatively. It was really hard on me. I still feel very directionless in my life, and feel like I don't know who I am at all......but I am at least starting to float again. I am hesitant to even say anything for fear that I will screw up within the next 24 hrs, but if I did 5 days.....dammit, I can do 5 more.

Friday, August 14, 2009


I feel as though nothing is helping me right now. I have tried and failed, over and over again. I have my list of things to do when I feel my ED urges coming on, but none of them ever work for me. I will try, but nothing seems to work. I think something is wrong with me. I am afraid I am damaging myself. My parents still do not have a clue. My therapist wants me to tell them but I am terrified. I don't want to place yet another burden upon them. They have so many things going on in their lives right now. I hate being so needy. I have clued my boyfriend in to the severity of things. He is worried sick and that just makes things harder. I hate having him have to worry about me. He needs to take care of himself, he should not have to add me to his list of things to have to worry about. I should be someone he should be able to hang out with and have fun with, not a burden. There is a workshop this weekend that I have decided to fore go attending. I can not handle it. I paid to attend, but I have backed out. I don't know yet whether or not I will get my money back, but I know that the right thing for me right now is to not go. I do not really do so hot in the group setting. I tend to tense up and get really quiet. Inside my head I mentally bash myself the whole time for everything I do or do not do. So I am spending my weekend at home. Which I found out today is going to be VERY hard. My parents have a party to go to tomorrow at 1pm, leaving me all alone in the house. I have made plans with my aunt, but she can only be with me until about 4pm. The rest of the night I am on my own. I am TERRIFIED. This is horrible to say but I can almost predict that I am going to act on my behaviors. I don't know any other way to handle things. I feel like I need 24/7 supervision in order to not binge and purge. I know the only way that I can get that is to go into treatment, but I am not going to do that right now. Not to my family and not to myself. I will just feel like the "fat girl" and it will have to benefit. I am sorry if any of this has been triggering to anyone. I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere, I don't even care if anybody reads.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Out of Control

I am feeling just like the title says......OUT OF CONTROL. I am using ED symptoms much more than usual (binging and purging) and I feel like nobody cares. I am sorry if this is triggering I just need to get this out. I am doing it more and more and I feel like I can't stop. I feel like I am getting worse. I feel like I am at an all time low with my bulimia, but since I am at a higher weight nobody gives a shit. The fat girl can puke her guts out, but the minute anybody else slips a pound below their weight range it becomes an issue. Okay, I know that was uncalled for and mean, but that is how I feel. My parents have no clue. They think I am fine. My boyfriend has somewhat of a clue but I feel scared to let him fully in to what is going on. I will probably break soon and let him in....I just can't hold this secret inside much longer. I feel horrible. I feel like all I do is eat. I feel terrible about my body and I don't want anybody to look at me in this state. I feel like everything I do and everything I say is stupid and pointless. I hate this stupid disorder and I hate my depression. Nothing feels okay.