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I feel as though nothing is helping me right now. I have tried and failed, over and over again. I have my list of things to do when I feel my ED urges coming on, but none of them ever work for me. I will try, but nothing seems to work. I think something is wrong with me. I am afraid I am damaging myself. My parents still do not have a clue. My therapist wants me to tell them but I am terrified. I don't want to place yet another burden upon them. They have so many things going on in their lives right now. I hate being so needy. I have clued my boyfriend in to the severity of things. He is worried sick and that just makes things harder. I hate having him have to worry about me. He needs to take care of himself, he should not have to add me to his list of things to have to worry about. I should be someone he should be able to hang out with and have fun with, not a burden. There is a workshop this weekend that I have decided to fore go attending. I can not handle it. I paid to attend, but I have backed out. I don't know yet whether or not I will get my money back, but I know that the right thing for me right now is to not go. I do not really do so hot in the group setting. I tend to tense up and get really quiet. Inside my head I mentally bash myself the whole time for everything I do or do not do. So I am spending my weekend at home. Which I found out today is going to be VERY hard. My parents have a party to go to tomorrow at 1pm, leaving me all alone in the house. I have made plans with my aunt, but she can only be with me until about 4pm. The rest of the night I am on my own. I am TERRIFIED. This is horrible to say but I can almost predict that I am going to act on my behaviors. I don't know any other way to handle things. I feel like I need 24/7 supervision in order to not binge and purge. I know the only way that I can get that is to go into treatment, but I am not going to do that right now. Not to my family and not to myself. I will just feel like the "fat girl" and it will have to benefit. I am sorry if any of this has been triggering to anyone. I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere, I don't even care if anybody reads.