Thursday, August 6, 2009
Out of Control
I am feeling just like the title says......OUT OF CONTROL. I am using ED symptoms much more than usual (binging and purging) and I feel like nobody cares. I am sorry if this is triggering I just need to get this out. I am doing it more and more and I feel like I can't stop. I feel like I am getting worse. I feel like I am at an all time low with my bulimia, but since I am at a higher weight nobody gives a shit. The fat girl can puke her guts out, but the minute anybody else slips a pound below their weight range it becomes an issue. Okay, I know that was uncalled for and mean, but that is how I feel. My parents have no clue. They think I am fine. My boyfriend has somewhat of a clue but I feel scared to let him fully in to what is going on. I will probably break soon and let him in....I just can't hold this secret inside much longer. I feel horrible. I feel like all I do is eat. I feel terrible about my body and I don't want anybody to look at me in this state. I feel like everything I do and everything I say is stupid and pointless. I hate this stupid disorder and I hate my depression. Nothing feels okay.
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Mary, I understand your frustration with the weight thing. Bulimia is just as dangerous at 400 pounds as it is at 89. It has nothing to do with that. I do feel like nobody is listening to how much I am struggling because I am still physically healthy.
ReplyDeleteAnyway.... I love you so much. We can get through this tough time together. ED is taking too much from both of us. We are going to beat it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Feel free to call or text or email me anytime. It helps me to feel connected with someone so don't worry about being a burden or anything. Love yourself as much as you can, honey. I love you always.