Ramblings

My new therapist is actually okay. I think it is going to be okay. I have only had two sessions with her though. But I am trying to be hopeful. She is nice, and seems understanding. I am trying to be open and say what I need to say.

Things have been hard here. My father's partner died on Saturday. It was sudden and very unexpected. He was only 39 years old, and the picture of health. My dad was in the process of transferring his business over to him so that he could retire. I feel bad not only for his partner and his family but for my dad because he can't retire now. He has to start up working full time again. He is stressed to the max.

I had a long talk with my boyfriend this weekend about engagement and marriage. It was painful. He is still so hurt from our previous breakup. He says he needs time and that he doesn't know when he will be ready if ever. It breaks my heart. I am deeply in love with this man. I know he is the one for me. I would do anything for him. I wish there was something I could do to express to him how sorry I am for what happened before, and to show him how I have changed since then. I wish there was some way that I could prove myself. I wish I knew what he was looking for.

Things all just feel so out of control right now. Everything feels so up in the air. I wish I had the security of something but nothing feels stable right now. It is making me depressed messing with my eating disorder. The anxiety is still very high, especially socially. I couldn't go to my last group therapy because anxiety got the best of me. I just panic.

My birthday is coming up next week, and I just want it to be ignored. I don't feel the need to be celebrated. I am trying to put on a good face for my family and play along but my heart is not in it. I am going to be 25, and what do I have to show for it. I feel so unaccomplished. I look at others my age and I just feel like I am so far behind. I hate feeling like I am wasting my life away.