My Week So Far

Well...my week has gone okay so far. I managed to make it to group therapy this week. I was almost in panic before I got there, I had to take some deep breaths in my car before I went in and I walked to the door very slowly, considering how easily I could just turn back around and escape back to the comfort of my car and drive away with each step. But I didn't. I made it through. I tried to be present. I talked. I don't know how much sense I made, but I tried. I know I can do it again. I will keep trying.

I feel very tired lately. I am having trouble getting to sleep at night. Worrying about things. I am extremely worried about my uncle. I find out whether or not it is cancer on Friday, 2 days, 48 hours. I am so scared for him.

I just had therapy today and I am considering bringing my family to one of my upcoming sessions. They are having some trouble understanding why I need to start out with a part-time job. They want me to be full-time. I don't think they understand the extent of my depression and how I actually feel on the inside most of the time. I am constantly trying to put on a "happy face" and act "happy" around them. I guess it is working. I just don't want to worry them. They have spent so much of the last 10 years worrying about me. They don't understand the extent of the sadness I feel, and how much I still mentally bash myself. I just don't know if I can handle being full-time at first. I am afraid I will crash and burn.

The thing is, I really dislike bringing them to family sessions because I sometimes feel like they don't really absorb what is being said. They sometimes talk a lot and the therapist can't get a word in edge wise. I don't know.