Terrible night last night. Spent it alone because my parents were gone. Not good. I tried to call my boyfriend for support and I just felt totally brushed off. It was like he didn't care. I am terrified that I am loosing him because of my ED. He is one of the only things that keeps me sane right now.
Sometimes I feel like a hopeless case. Like I will never get over this. Medication doesn't help and never has. My weight fluctuates so much because of all the things I put my body through. I feel like it will never get back to "normal". Whatever that is. I loose and gain the same 25 lbs over and over again. Sorry if this is triggering to anyone.
I wish I could go back in time, to that 13 year old girl and just tell her that everything is OKAY. Not to push so hard, not to worry so much, not to take it out on herself. That she is beautiful the way she is. If it would have made a difference, I would die to do it all over again.
My social anxiety is like a cage that I have trapped myself in. I have no real time close friends, only acquaintances. I avoid people like the plague. We have this group therapy thing every 2 weeks that I am a part of, and I haven't been able to go because of it. I am so terrified about what others will think of me, what the hell I am going to say, that I nearly panic the day of the group and have to call in. The leader knows this. I know not a single person in that group is judging me, logically, but I just can't get over it. I stay silent the whole time I am there except for when I have to speak. I wish I could give others feedback in the group but my vocal chords just don't seem to work when I am there. I am so anxious the whole time I watch the clock like a hawk. It is really ridiculous when I think about it.
Sorry for all the writing.
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I am so sorry you are struggling so much Mary. Don't be sorry for writing: it is good for you. I wish I could do something to help. I wish I knew the magic words that would ease your anxiety. We miss you in group, we really do. I LOVE MY MARY MOMENT ;) . I can't speak for all the other ladies (although I am sure they would agree with me) but you could come in and tell me you had decided to give up fighting your eating disorder, quit treatment, and throw your life away, and I would NOT judge you. I would be heartbroken for you, but I would still think you a fabulous, vibrant, beautiful, young woman. I know this probably won't change how you feel, but I felt like I had to tell you. Keep fighting love. I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know life will look up for you. You are amazing!
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