Break.

I am breaking down.  Slowly.  On Thursday, June 10, Micky told me that he had no future intentions on ever getting married.  He said he did not make enough money to support the both of us, and did not want to be married.  I am moving home.  I have thus far moved most of my things out of the condo.  One more trip and I should be out.  It feels surreal.  Like it's not really happening.  I cry, it doesn't help.  It changes nothing.  It hurts.  It is just the beginning of the hurt.  The true pain is just starting to sink in.  I feel unloveable.  Unwanted.  Used.  I feel like my chest is being crushed.  Someone is pounding on my head.  The back of my throat is swelling up.  I am hyperactive, then depressed.  Cramming down my feelings for nobody to see. 

One of my good friends was in a major car accident this week.  She was hurt, bad.  I am so worried.  She just got out of the ICU today.  I want to go see her, but i don't know when I will be allowed to.

Another one of my good friends got married today.  I feel like a jerk for bailing on her wedding at the last minute.  I just didn't think I would be able to handle my emotions at a wedding properly.  I am extremely happy for her, I am just so stuck in my own stupid head.

Another one of my friends wants me to call her because she is experiencing something similar.  I can't.  I am paralyzed.  The thought of the phone is daunting.  The thought of actual real peer support after having gone so long without it is terrifying.  I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to act.  I am no good at having friends.

Maybe I am meant to be alone.  Maybe I really am.