Restless

1:42 AM....I can not sleep.  Not so sure why, but I can't.  I have made the decision to not take the summer class I intended to take, and allow myself to relax a bit more and enjoy my summer off.  I am going to try to find some shadowing opportunities around Richmond if possible.  I really don't want to increase my work hours at this point although I am being encouraged by many to do so.  My therapist and I decided that I will work intensely this summer on my depression.  We are using a book and a workbook, plus sessions to work through it.  I need to get myself to a point where I will feel comfortable going away to school in the fall of 2011.  ED is not going so hot.  I am stable, but behaviors are still present.  I can not seem to get back onto a track of counting up more than 6-7 days without B/P.  I feel somewhat stuck.....and somewhat skeptical about this whole book/depression work.  I mean, I am still open to it, but just a bit doubtful that it will really work or help my depression at all in the end.  When I hit those lows.....nothing can really help.  The whole, "mindfulness/meditation" stuff, honestly seems a bit loopy to me, but whatever.  It's never worked in the past, but we'll see what happens.  I am just saddened by the state I find myself in.  Frustrated with life in general.  I tend to put on a very happy/giggly/bubbly front for others.....but when I am alone....nobody sees the ache.  The deep longing I have for inner peace.  It's like this huge void.  I get completely numb at times.  Feeling nothing, yet at other times I cry uncontrollably.  Sometimes I actually feel bipolar, although I know I am not.  I can go from okay one second, to completely miserable another.  At times I sleep my days away to avoid the pain, but sometimes sleep will not come and I am stuck with my thoughts.  I wish that sleep were as simple as an "on" and "off" button.  Things would be much more bearable at times.