Monday, October 11, 2010
It's Bad
It's getting worse. My appointment with my endocrinologist was a complete waste of time. She basically told me it was all my depression and that she suspected that hormones did not have anything to do with it. She did run some blood tests which she will be checking on this week, but I don't expect much. On top of now feeling like I am letting the depression fully control my life, some of my Eating Disordered thoughts and symptoms have started to come back. I have started restricting my intake again......loosing weight slowly. Finding joy in watching numbers go slowly down. This has been all in the past two weeks. It's like I can feel something rising up in me again. My parents have yet to notice, as nothing is really noticeable yet. I suppose I am finding relief in one aspect of my life I can control at the moment. The depression is so overwhelming, so debilitating, food is something I can focus on, count, limit, monitor. I honestly don't know what to do right now. I can not get a job right now. I sleep 12 plus hours a day and get exhausted from doing the smallest of tasks. I am weak. It takes all my energy just to pull myself out of bed in the morning and take a shower or get dressed. It has been this way for a long while now. I feel like I am an old woman. I probably spend 90% of my day in my bed. It's like there is a haze around me that just will not lift, no matter what I do. It's like I am just floating through life. Not really present, because I am too stuck in my head. Sometimes at night I will have panic attacks when the thoughts get too overwhelming and I just won't be able to stop crying. I just wish I had something, some key to make it all go away. My motivation is so low. I feel like I have tried so many things, I am just exhausted, and skeptical of trying anything else. I am loosing hope fast, if I haven't lost it already.
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Mary, my dear, your blog breaks my heart recently. I want you to know that I am always here for you. Just a call away. Don't lose hope. "Hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts." (Romans 5:5) People recover. It happens everyday. My sister is bipolar and suffers from severe depression (and a period of bulimia). She now stands in solid recovery, has three kids, and works as a english and drama teacher. She had times when she couldn't work. She was inpatient two or three times just for depression. Now she doesn't even go to therapy. There is hope.
ReplyDeleteDon't turn to the ED. I know it offers comfort and gives you a sense of control, but it does more harm than good. Always more harm than good. A dear friend I was in treatment with has failing kidneys and heart. She has been given less than a year to live. We all say it will never happen to me, but it does.
I am having a hard time feeling lonely and worthless since I can't work or go to school right now, but I get so much joy from being free from my ED. Sometimes it just hits me how wonderful it is to be normal. To be able to eat a cookie without feeling guilty or eating the whole batch and purging. It is amazing to be free.
You can get there, honey. We all have battles. I need to work on my perfectionism and anxiety. I feel like I have been in it forever and sometimes I lose hope that I can change, but we all have such strength within us. I never thought I would have made it through my wreck, but I did. Or more correctly, I survived and God brought me through. That sounds all preachy but it is the absolute truth. Also, remember to reach out. Support can be essential.
Alanna wrote beautifully, I echo all that she has said...and want to reemphasize one point: Support IS essential. We can't do it alone. Without heavenly help and without earthly help. I read your blog regularly. My heart aches for you. I am here to help in any way that I can.
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