Depression Hurts. Antidepressants don't help.

I am going to be working my way off of all of my meds.  Slowly, but I will be coming off of them.  I do not see the point in staying on them any longer when there are no benefits.  I am just putting chemicals into my body daily with no relief of my symptoms.  I am still depressed, still anxious, still apathetic.  In some ways, I feel like things are worse than ever.  My ED symptoms are almost non-existent, although I battle with thoughts daily and my body image is in the pits....which causes me to not want to practice very good self-care.  Meaning, I don't really do my hair, make-up, dress nice, etc. because I just figure I look so disgustingly fat and ugly no amount of make up, styling, or clothing is going to hide it.  I feel like I am meant to spend the rest of my life alone and suffering.  I was just not made to be happy.  Not wired that way.  I know that this is very negative thinking, and some would call it a self-fulfilling prophecy...but it is how I feel.  I am going to say this, and I know it is going to hurt some people, but seeing my friends getting engaged, married, talking about their significant other has caused me so much pain it is almost unbearable.  It fucking hurts.  Why the hell am I not good enough for someone to love me?  But I guess it's not meant to be like that, and I know it's not their fault.  Of course they are happy.  I would fucking die if a guy even showed any interest in me.  I am turning bitter.  Bitter and old.  I am almost 30. 30! I should have children by now.  I should have a steady paying job by now.  I should NOT be living at home with my parents, still mooching off of them.  This is pathetic.  I am still struggling to decide even what I want to do.  Art therapy is not final now.  I am considering other options.  I've got to make more money than that to make it on my own.  I am thinking Pharmacy now.  Probably another 4 years of school.  I will never retire.  I just want to disappear.  To have never been born.  I was a big mistake.