Balance

I know I am posting a lot. Don’t bother reading if you don’t want to. I think it is mostly out of boredom, and feeling a bit lost at the moment. I can’t believe that school is starting in just a few days. Summer is already over. Chemistry, Economics, and Ceramics I on the way. Panic attacks, stress, and so much more also on the way. Hopefully no hospitalizations this semester. I just don’t feel much like going through with anything much right now. I have no motivation for life. I am not excited about anything. Just blah. Days seem so hard. Every day something bad happens, and just ruins the day. Bad things have been happening since March. My MeMaw died, uncle diagnosed with brain cancer, I was hospitalized, uncle free of brain cancer but has new growths in lungs, today my grandma and I find my aunt’s 10 year old dog dying in cardiac arrest, she passed away 10 minutes later. My grandma was crying, I was crying, my aunt was crying, my uncle was near tears. My dad came home drunk tonight. He is not mean or anything when he is drunk, just goofy, and hard to deal with, and not something I am up for dealing with right now. I am being forced to put my treatment on hold because my care providers can not work Fridays. So, after all of this, whilst coming off my meds, I have no therapy or dietitian. My mom is dieting. Constantly checking and counting calories wherever we go to eat. I will admit, my mom does need to loose weight for health, but I wish she wouldn’t shove it in my face. I am joining a gym with her tomorrow, so she will have someone to go with. We get “assessed” tomorrow. I am terrified they are going to tell me to loose weight. That will be the icing on the cake. I know they are going to tell me that, though, I know I’m fat. I am being completely logical. I am at the top of my “normal” BMI, they are going to want to lower that. There it is. I said it. Yes, I am a fatass. I have totally turned into one. From anorexic to fatass. I never expected that of myself. I always thought I would have more control. In tx the last time I realized the other day, I gained about 45-50 lbs. Disgusting. I seriously disgust myself. I realize that at my old weight I was not healthy, but I feel like at this weight I am not healthy either. Why can’t I just find a happy medium? It feels like I just can’t do anything right. I can never find a balance, I am either over or under doing it. In everything. School, food, my mood, self-care, organization, everything. NO balance at all.