Below is a copy of an e-mail I sent to my therapist and dietitian tonight. It pretty much explains how I am feeling right now:
"I tried to take both of your advice and push through the depression, but I didn't make it through tonight without binging and purging. I am so upset with myself. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I know I have to. I can't stop the tears, I feel so depressed. So Sad. Micky is gone, I have nobody to talk to. Please don't tell me to call one of the girls from group, I don't feel comfortable doing that. I want to sleep, but sleep will not come now. Plus I feel like it is too early to go to bed. I made a stupid stupid stupid decision an bought a scale today. I hate the numbers. I feel so fat. So ugly and stupid. I want out of this moment, out of this two week period of being alone. I am shaking. I want my life back. Or what is left of it. I just can't seem to get there. I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to breathe and take deep breaths but it isn't working. I feel out of control. I feel like work drains me because all I do is put on the "happy face" and grin and bear it for 8 hours, and that really takes it out of me. I don't know whether I have the strength to confront them about the hours they are giving me. I am going to wait and see what they give me next week. I feel out of control with my finances, like I am constantly having to ask my parents for money. I feel like I am spending too much money on things that I don't need. Maybe it is a compulsion. I have tried budgeting and it doesn't work because I don't follow it. I feel like I am a drain to my parents. I almost feel suicidal, but I don't think I would act out on anything. I am just having the thoughts. Now I feel like I am rambling....so I am just going to end this. Thanks in advance if you can respond."
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Sweet Girl-
ReplyDeleteI wish I had seen this earlier. I want you to know how important you are to me. I understand that you feel like a drain on your parents. I told my mom last week that I feel like nothing but a financial burden to them. It sucks to feel that way and feel you have no control over it. However, my dear, you are so loved. I can't speak for the rest of the world, but to me, you are amazing. I am so grateful you came into my life. I have learned from you, been inspired by you, laughed with you, cried in front of you,... you are so precious. Everytime you feel those suicidal feelings, try to remember that.
I also understand you not wanting to call anyone from group. It is so hard to reach out. I love you and am always here. I promise that.
I encourage you to get rid of the scale. I am so attached to mine, i feel like a hypocrite for saying that. However, it haunts me. I have gotten it into my closet and off the floor, but every morning when I get dressed it screams at me. I NEED to throw it away, but I still want it there. If you have any strength to get rid of it, do. It is the most torturous thing you could keep.
I think I am preaching and rambling so I am gonna quit. Please feel free to email/text etc. You won't be a burden.
You are still a rockstar!