Thursday, October 15, 2009

Riding the Wave

I have spent the last week riding the deep dip in the wave of depression. Saturday I actually had to call in sick the depression got so bad, I could not get out of bed. However, I have managed to make it to every other shift they have put on me this week. I am proud of myself for this. I am allowing myself to be proud of myself for this. I am still struggling with eating and using symptoms, but during this time when the depression is so bad....I haven't done as awful as I have done in the past. I saw my psychiatrist and got a new medicine to try, so maybe some relief will come from that. I made it to group on Monday....I can congratulate myself for that. I got support from some wonderful ladies. I am reading in short bits, when I can concentrate the new book by Jenni Schaefer. I am reminded that recovery is about me. I have to stand up for myself against ED. ED's voice is there.....but I have the CHOICE to decide what to do. I can give in to him or stand up and fight. Of course that sounds simplistic, and I have fallen many times. But, it is a good reminder. I feel blessed to have a good therapist willing to see me twice a week, and an amazing dietitian who both work together to help me as much as they can. I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God lately. Since last summer, and my relapses into bulimia, and all the drug trials I went through.....I have felt very distant from him. I want that to change. I want to start going to church again. Developing a relationship with God again. I want to feel his love in my heart. Sometimes during the tough times I have challenged whether I believe or not, how God could do this to me, what an awful person I must be to deserve this. But I know all of this is not right. I know I believe. God is not doing this to me, it is just something I have acquired in this life, ED is not a punishment from God. God is loving, and wants a relationship with me. I just have to open my heart, which is hard for me to do, and allow him in.

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