Psych Hospital

I have something to share with you all. I want to let you know why I have been so absent on here the past few days, and so scatter-brained in general with everything the past month or so. I have been struggling a lot with my depression. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress with school, and now that I am using my ED behaviors less frequently, it seems that instead of taking the stress out in my ED, I am taking the stress out on myself.


Well, things all came to a head Monday evening. I was crying uncontrollably, and was inconsolable. I was panicing. I could not calm down and felt somewhat suicidal. I called my therapist and asked her if I needed to go into a hospital. She suggesed that if I could not calm down, I go. I could not. So in I went, to a nearby Psych ward for the night. I called the Psychiatrist on call at the practice I go to, and he also suggested that I go. It was a very humbling experience. I saw my Psychiatrist the next day on the unit, and he released me, after I had come to my senses and calmed down.

I have to say that depression is not something to mess with. It was terrible to go through that. I felt crazy. I still feel it was the right thing to do at the time to keep myself safe, but it was very scary. I never want to have to go through that again.

The whole experience has made me realize many things about myself and others.  Namely, that I need to NOT procrastinate so much and let stress build up.  It is because of procrastination that my stress levels got so high and I got so upset.  I need to learn how to budget my time better and work on things throughout the semester rather than putting things off until the end.

I learned a lot about my boyfriend during this time as well.  It was not a good time for us as a couple.  He does not seem to understand the deep sadness and pain I experience when depression hits me.  He does not understand how my depression comes on with stress.  I was not treated very nicely during this hospital experience.  Before I went, when I was uncontrollably crying he made me pay my rent, and then proceeded to talk on his phone most of the way to the hospital.  Once at the hospital he just dropped me off at the ER and left.  I will give him credit for keeping in touch with my parents through this experience.  However, when I called him the next morning, thinking I would not see my doctor until that evening (I really saw him about 1:30), and that because of that I would probably be staying another night, he said that he would have his sister, who works at the hospital bring me a change of clothes.  He also acted as though he was totally uninterested in coming to visit me during visiting hours.  I felt quite rejected, needless to say, by him through this experience.

So, when I was released that day and he came and picked me up (thank goodness), I decided to stay in Richmond that night to get a good night's sleep since I did not sleep well on the ward the night before and then come home to my hometown for the remainder of the week.  So I am here now with my parents and family.

Another tragic thing I have recently found out is that my Uncle, whom I spoke of on here last summer, who was diagnosed with Lung Cancer, and had gone into remission......well he now has Brain Cancer.  6 tumors in his brain.  1 the size of an egg.  There truely is no hope now.  Less than 6 months to live.  He had a seizure while I was in the hospital, and he has not been processing things right ever since.  It is so sad.  So much is going wrong......I just don't know how to take on all of this.  I am almost numb right now.  It's like none of this is really happening.