The "Ache"

Today has been one of those days.  I have been experiencing what I call the "ache".  The ache to be sick again.  To be skinny sick again.  To be so sick I need to go inpatient again.  I just miss environment of my last tx facility so bad sometimes.  Even 3 years out.  It never changes my food intake that day or anything, it just depresses me for about a week.  Makes me cry.  I want to feel that love, that companionship of being with others who understand.  I feel like I don't fit in with that crowd anymore, and it's scary.  I don't know who I am becoming.  I don't know if I like it.  I want to be sick so people will take care of me.  Listen to me.  Pay attention to me.  Check up on me.  People don't do that when you are not sick.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of my Eating Disorder.  Then I feel stupid for doing that because it was so stupid of me to have one in the first place.  I just want to feel pretty again.  I don't feel that way now.  I used to, but now I don't.  I had to put on my Easter dress today and I just felt terrible in front of that mirror.  I am not going to go down that road again, by any means, but days like these are hard.  I don't like them.  I keep trying to tell myself, your on day 114....., you haven't restricted in who knows how long....., but it doesn't help.  I want days like this to dissappear.  I want to just be able to accept my body, however it looks, and appreciate it.  I just feel like that is so hard.