I felt it today.

I felt it today.  I was driving to Target to pick out "stocking stuffers" for myself as my mom is too busy this year with she and my dad retiring to get out much and do things and there it was.....the ugly monster in my head.  Depression.  It has not visited me in quite a while.  I literally just started crying and had to loop the parking lot a few times to calm myself.  I don't know if this has been a slow build or what, but it definitely hit me all at once and knocked me for a loop.  I had to just park my car, and sit and wait and then basically force myself into the store because I knew that just driving home and burying myself in my bed would not help.  After I got on a roll, it faded, but it is still there.  I know of a couple of things that could be bringing it on.  Christmas is all around a hard time of year for me, it always has been.  In addition, the cold weather is hard on me.  It makes me want to stay inside and just hide away.  Stay warm.  I can't wear the clothes I want to wear, because I am so cold all the time, so I feel like I look terrible all the time.  Like a bum or something, so I don't really feel good about myself.  Another thing that could have brought it on today is hearing that someone I used to know that is younger than me is getting married.  It just plain hurts.  I want to find a person and get married so bad.  I want to have children.  The person I am dating now has the potential, there are just some things that make it hard.  He was recently hurt, and is not ready to open up with me much except for slowly.  I feel that he likes me, but I know that I like him a lot more than he likes me, and that hurts.  I don't want another broken heart, but I really like this guy.  His job keeps him very busy, and while it does bother me a bit, I have to be understanding.  It is his income.  I just get too attached too quickly.  I expect too much too quickly.  I just wish that we lived a bit closer sometimes.  An hour away seems very far right now.  I don't know.  I know I just have to trust in God in these moments.  That he will show me what is meant to be.  That he will direct my path.  He will guide me.  It is just hard at times.  I do know, however, that prayer is comforting.  I will continue to pray over all of this.  Prayer heals and helps.