Doing Great!

I am doing really well, I am happy to report.  My boyfriend and I are doing great.  I am spending most of my time in Inwood, WV now.  We get along really well, we are serious when we need to be, but we have a lot of fun together too.  He is really funny, and just great to be around.  Our Valentine's Day was nice.  We went out to dinner and got each other gifts.  He got me a beautiful necklace.  It is my birthstone.  I have worn it almost every day since!  I made him a fleece Steelers blanket with 2 kinds of Steelers fleece.  He is a huge Steelers fan.  We've even been making dinners together, which is new.  We've been trying some recipes and cooking.  It's fun!

My dad went in for his 2nd hip replacement this past Monday.  He is doing really well.  He decided to go under spinal anesthesia instead of general.  General knocks you out a lot more.....so he wasn't nearly as sedated after.  On the day of the surgery he didn't have much pain at all and looked really good.  He said yesterday was the worst day for the pain.  I didn't get to see him because we got snow and ice and I couldn't drive.  I did spend a lot of time with him today, though, and he is in much better spirits.  He walked all the way down the hall and back and did really well.  The PT said he looks really good.  He is going home tomorrow, and I will definitely be there to help my mom with that.

My mom's birthday is tomorrow too!! Happy 58th mom!! We celebrated her birthday this weekend on Sunday, since we knew Thursday would be busy with my dad.  He is actually coming home a day earlier than we originally thought he would.  My mom was at home today while I was at the hospital waiting for Valley Health to drop off the hospital bed my dad will use while he is recovering.

I also have good news to report on the school front!  I got accepted to Shepherd!! So I will be starting this summer.  I still need to meet with an advisor, but I am definitely in.  I made the deposit last week, and told them I would be coming.  I am way excited about that!  Just a couple months, and I will be starting on my 2nd degree :)

Short Update

Things are going amazingly well.  I am kind of waiting to wake up or something.  I am a little disappointed, however, that I still have not heard back about the program I was hoping to get started on this summer.  I do know that now they have all my transcripts.  They said on Monday that it would be approx. 10 business days and I would hear something, but they keep telling me that they are working on my application for Fall 2011, and I keep telling them I applied for Summer 2011.  I wrote them again today, so hopefully it will be resolved.  I really want to start this summer if at all possible.  I need to talk to an advisor, too, because I want to know if having my bachelor's in Psych already is going to erase the need for me to do the gen. eds all over again, or if they are actually going to look at specific classes and make me take their requirements for gen. eds.  I really hope they just erase the gen. ed. requirements, because I really don't want to go through all that again!  But, we shall see.

Things with my new boyfriend are going well.  We have a lot of fun together, and he has a really good sense of humor.  He even came to church with me Sunday :)  I was excited.  He got to meet my family too and they liked him.  I think my church took him a bit out of his comfort zone, as he is used to a traditional Methodist service, and my church is much more contemporary, but he said he liked it.  We watched the Super Bowl together on Sunday with some of his friends.  He is a big Steelers fan so it was kind of disappointing for him, but it was fun to watch and meet some of his friends.  So things are going really well.  I really like him a lot, and can see things going somewhere.

Third time's a charm?? hopefully??

So, I told myself that after my most recent break-up I would not try another relationship for a while.  Well, sometimes what you tell yourself, is not exactly how things work out.  A bunch of things ended up happening that made me change my mind.  I decided to have one last go at this.  I met a new guy.  He lives about 25 minutes away in West Virginia.  He is 5 years older than me.  He owns his own home and has a steady income.  He is kind, good to me, cares about me, and makes me happy.  I like that he texts me through the day, talks to me on the phone, and that I haven't scared him away with my past.  He has been nothing but sweet, gentle, and understanding.  I can actually see a future with him.  I can see this working out.  I feel safe when I am with him.  I am being more guarded this time.  I am not allowing myself to fall so hard so fast (although it is difficult).  Thinking about him makes me smile, and I think that is a great start.  Sure, I still have broken feelings from last relationship, but they are starting to heal.  I am realizing that I can't go around chasing someone who can not be there for me in the way that I want them to be, and I can't wait around hoping that one day they might be.  I have to live in the present, and although it might still hurt sometimes, as my feelings grow for this new guy, I believe that the feelings from the past hurt will lessen.  If I fall flat on my face, I will be alright.  I have friends and family who will help me find my way again.

Winter

I have officially decided that winter is NOT my thing.  I don't like it.  It's cold, and it makes me want to coop up and stay inside all day under my covers.  I much prefer spring.  I am not a big fan of really hot summers either.  I wish there was a place where it stayed around 72-75 all year.  That would be perfect.  Sorry, just a rant.  It is snowing here right now, and as I sit here on my couch watching it, it just makes me depressed.  Snow makes everything more complicated.  You don't want to go out because you have to spend forever cleaning off your car, and then you have to drive all slow, etc.  Just a hassle.  I know I am being frustrated, but I am frustrated at the moment.  I am anxious because I have a feeling of depression and that makes me anxious.  It makes me anxious that it will start an downward spiral that I won't be able to stop.  I don't really know what exactly triggered this one, I have some ideas, but don't know for sure.  I am really trying to fight it off, but it's not working out for me so well.  I stayed in bed until 11:30 AM today, until I got so fed up with myself I forced myself out.  It seems as though the new medication is not working as well as it was and that is terrifying. I don't know if I need a higher dosage, but I don't want to top out.  I know it is not my recent decisions that are triggering the depression, I am still very excited about going back to school and want to do it very badly.  I guess I just feel lonely in a way.  I crave attention that people can not give me.  Perhaps it is all in my head.  I don't know.  I don't know what I need.  I need something though, that I am not getting right now.  I've been crying a lot recently, not really knowing the motivation behind it, just being sad.  There is a hole inside me that needs to be filled with something, I don't know what yet, but something.  Perhaps this program I am starting in the summer will be the answer...I am not sure.

I think I might have stumbled onto something.....

I think I may be getting somewhere here.  I've been doing some digging.  The only thing I can go back to in my life that I have always loved is Math.  I've always been good at it and always loved it.  Loved solving the problems, and knowing that each problem has a definite answer.  It was always so much easier for me than English, for example, where answers to questions are much more vague, and can come in various different forms.  Math is much simpler.....it's either wrong or it's right.  So, what can you do with math?  I've come up with 2 possibilities: be and accountant or teach.  I know I don't want to be an accountant.  So.....teach!  I will have to teach grade 5+, because that's when you become specialized in the different areas in school.  I, however am actually thinking of teaching High Schooler's.  Algebra I or II preferably, but we will see what comes my way, and what happens.  I am applying to Shepherd University, which has a Math Education program......where I can get everything I need.  Typically the program takes 4 years for a student to complete, but that is for an undergraduate coming in with NOTHING.  I am hoping, that with my bachelor's in Psychology, I will have at least some of the classes out of the way.  I do not, however, know if the math classes must me taken in sequence, meaning I can only take one after taking the previous one.  The same goes for the Education classes.  I am hoping that I will be able to start this summer.  It is actually all very exciting to me.  My nerdy self, I can't wait for the math classes.  I feel like this is an answer to prayers.  I know it may seem like it was obvious......since I liked math all along, I've just always been scared of teaching.  I just feel like it's time to break out of the shell, though.  I know I can do it.  I love the subject enough, I know I have the passion to share it with others.  I feel like this is what I have been waiting for.  I am terribly nervous about talking to my parents about it.  They do not even know I have applied to this college.  I am going to talk to them about it tomorrow.  They had originally wanted me to get a job ASAP, with benefits, something that I could start out in, and work my way up.  I just feel like that is not right.  I have a gut feeling that is not going to work out.  I am trying to follow these feelings, because they don't usually happen by mistake.  I feel like when I say "gut" feelings, I am really mean nudging from God.  I think we have gut feelings for a reason, and that God is speaking to us through them.  I am not saying that they are always 100% correct, but they are probably leading us in the right direction most of the time.  I just don't see myself in a job right now.  I honestly don't see myself getting hired in the first place.  All I have to offer is a Bachelor's in Psych......that's not so much these days.  Regardless, I want to get into this program, and I want it bad.  I want these classes.  I want to feel like I am productive again, and doing something I like doing.  I don't want to be just be immobilized here at home anymore.  I'm sick of it.  I want to get out there, put myself out there.  I know it's going to be scary, and I'm going to feel really anxious at first, but something has got to give here.  I've gotten too comfortable where I am.  I need to break out of the comfort zone, and start really living.  That's what God wants for all of our lives.

God is Working

God is working in my life.  Things are going well.  Ever since that day, last week, I have continued to stay positive.  I am still without any ED behaviors, almost 3 months now.  I am not going back.  I made a very big decision this week that I have been praying about.  I decided to join the new church I have been attending.  I went to the new members class, and I could just feel God speaking to my heart to join.  The pastor is AMAZING.  I also went to the Ladies night and a bible study the next two nights.  I really enjoyed it.  I really liked meeting some people my age, and learning more about God's word and the Bible.  I have always loved learning about the Bible, but have always felt somewhat hesitant to do it on my own for fear of becoming misguided due to lack of my own understanding.....but now I feel so empowered!  I feel like I have the tools in place to really learn and dig into the word.  I am very excited about it.  I am discovering what the word says about loving yourself, and not being anxious.  It is really starting to help me and sink in.  I know I will never be perfect, but it is helping ease some things.....slowly but surely, I know I am going to get there.  It was so awesome, too, because I have really been thinking about where I want to go in life, since I have given up the Art Therapy.  What is my passion?  Where is my heart?  I just felt really confirmed last night at Bible Study because the topic was just that.  It was on finding your passion and what that should feel like and be like for you.  I did not get a revelation in the class all of a sudden of what I wanted to do, but the class gave me a lot of hope.  That God will and wants to reveal my passion to me, and that he will.  I just have to keep praying and searching, and I will find it.  Also, that the road to finding my passion may not be a straight one.  There may be twists and turns along the way, but I will find it!  It was just very positive, and really helped me to feel like I was doing the right things.  So I am still on the hunt for my passion, but feel like I am making progress.

Its a long story...

The past two days have been so bad, but so replenishing at the same time, I don't even know where to begin.  First of all, Art Therapy is out.  I've dropped all the classes, I'm not doing it.  I can't fathom the thought of 2 more years of college, let alone the classes to get there.  I went to my first class, Wednesday night, and came home in tears.  I just couldn't do it again.  No more school for me.  7 years for a bachelor's is enough!  Secondly, my boyfriend and I broke up.  Yes, things had been going so well.  He is still my friend.  He broke up with me to allow me to live my life, get things in order and give me time to find and love myself.  Needless to say, the process of dropping classes and breaking up took quite a toll on me emotionally.  I felt very directionless and very alone.  I felt like my world was crumbling around me.  In an act of pure stupidity I proceeded to take 8 Ativan.  Immediately realizing the stupidity of this act, I called my therapist, my mom, and went to the ER.  The ER treated me like dirt, and I ended up leaving after 3 hours with no treatment or counseling.  I slept off the effects of the medication in 12 hours, without needing to go back.  I feel so much remorse for the pain I caused my family, my friends, and myself throughout that process.  I was thinking only of myself and it was purely stupid.  Today, after sleeping in bed until 12 AM, and fighting with my parents who were just trying to look out for me, I came to a revelation.  I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.  I AM IN CONTROL.  I CAN HANDLE THIS, AND I CAN BE HAPPY, I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IN TO MISERY.  It is so true.  Just because my circumstances may have stunk at the moment, it doesn't mean I have to do something like that.  I immediately got out of bed.  Turned all of my meds over to my parents and gave them big hugs and apologized.  We have a plan.  We are meeting with my therapist next week.  I will NEVER, EVER do anything like that again.  My ex is miraculously still my friend.  He is that kind of a person.  I am still blessed beyond measure.  Things could have been so much worse for me.  I am planning on getting a job as soon as I can find one that I feel comfortable in (full-time).  After that, finding my own house.  My parents and I are shooting for the end of the year for these goals.  I think this sounds reasonable.  I am feeling so much more positive today it is unbelievable.  I feel like a new person.  I plan on getting involved in church more.  Things can and will look up for me again, they are already.  I have to think positively, and be happy with myself.  I am accepting who I am. I was not born to be an art therapist, and that's okay.  I will do great things with my life, in whatever area I choose to go into.  God wouldn't have it any other way!! There is no way that I have been through what I have been through to do something halfway for the rest of my life.