Riding the Wave

I have spent the last week riding the deep dip in the wave of depression. Saturday I actually had to call in sick the depression got so bad, I could not get out of bed. However, I have managed to make it to every other shift they have put on me this week. I am proud of myself for this. I am allowing myself to be proud of myself for this. I am still struggling with eating and using symptoms, but during this time when the depression is so bad....I haven't done as awful as I have done in the past. I saw my psychiatrist and got a new medicine to try, so maybe some relief will come from that. I made it to group on Monday....I can congratulate myself for that. I got support from some wonderful ladies. I am reading in short bits, when I can concentrate the new book by Jenni Schaefer. I am reminded that recovery is about me. I have to stand up for myself against ED. ED's voice is there.....but I have the CHOICE to decide what to do. I can give in to him or stand up and fight. Of course that sounds simplistic, and I have fallen many times. But, it is a good reminder. I feel blessed to have a good therapist willing to see me twice a week, and an amazing dietitian who both work together to help me as much as they can. I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God lately. Since last summer, and my relapses into bulimia, and all the drug trials I went through.....I have felt very distant from him. I want that to change. I want to start going to church again. Developing a relationship with God again. I want to feel his love in my heart. Sometimes during the tough times I have challenged whether I believe or not, how God could do this to me, what an awful person I must be to deserve this. But I know all of this is not right. I know I believe. God is not doing this to me, it is just something I have acquired in this life, ED is not a punishment from God. God is loving, and wants a relationship with me. I just have to open my heart, which is hard for me to do, and allow him in.

Copy of an e-mail

Below is a copy of an e-mail I sent to my therapist and dietitian tonight. It pretty much explains how I am feeling right now:



"I tried to take both of your advice and push through the depression, but I didn't make it through tonight without binging and purging. I am so upset with myself. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I know I have to. I can't stop the tears, I feel so depressed. So Sad. Micky is gone, I have nobody to talk to. Please don't tell me to call one of the girls from group, I don't feel comfortable doing that. I want to sleep, but sleep will not come now. Plus I feel like it is too early to go to bed. I made a stupid stupid stupid decision an bought a scale today. I hate the numbers. I feel so fat. So ugly and stupid. I want out of this moment, out of this two week period of being alone. I am shaking. I want my life back. Or what is left of it. I just can't seem to get there. I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to breathe and take deep breaths but it isn't working. I feel out of control. I feel like work drains me because all I do is put on the "happy face" and grin and bear it for 8 hours, and that really takes it out of me. I don't know whether I have the strength to confront them about the hours they are giving me. I am going to wait and see what they give me next week. I feel out of control with my finances, like I am constantly having to ask my parents for money. I feel like I am spending too much money on things that I don't need. Maybe it is a compulsion. I have tried budgeting and it doesn't work because I don't follow it. I feel like I am a drain to my parents. I almost feel suicidal, but I don't think I would act out on anything. I am just having the thoughts. Now I feel like I am rambling....so I am just going to end this. Thanks in advance if you can respond."

Comments welcome.

Not a good week

This week has not been a good one. I ended my streak of binging and purging. I had a 2 day period where I was in complete self-loathing and ended up doing it twice. I can't now guarantee I am quite back on track, but I have not had any behaviors yesterday or today. I feel a deep depression coming on me. Work is challenging, and I am starting to get that familiar feeling I seem to get with every job I work at after a month. That I hate it to death and I want to quit. But I know I can't. I have to keep at it. I can't be a quitter. The work is really not that bad. I am a little pissed that they scheduled me for 31 hours next week when I originally told them I wanted around 20, but whatever. I am just getting increasingly tired all the time and all I want to do is be in bed and sleep the day away. I don't want anybody bothering me. Micky is leaving for a trip with his brother this week and is going to be gone for 2 weeks. I am terrified. With nobody to keep me accountable, I am so scared of what is going to happen. I don't want my behaviors to run wild. I will have no communication with him whatsoever. He is my rock. At the same time, I want to prove to him that I can be okay alone. That I can succeed without him. So there is that added pressure. I want him to be able to have faith in me. To be able to trust me and depend on me. I feel like this is a huge test for me and I am so scared I am going to fail miserably. In order for us to get married one day, he is going to have to be able to know that I can be okay. The sooner I can show him that the better, in my book. I am in love with this man. I hope he loves me too.

Update

I feel like I need to update, although not much has really been going on in my life. I am working. Trying to keep up. Still no binging/purging. 42 days now. I have been working a lot on crafts for christmas. I really want to make my mom a quilt, I am going to try to make a rag quilt for her. Hopefully it will work out. I ordered my 2nd sewing machine this week. My first one never actually worked. I am starting early making gifts to get them all done in time.

**Trigger Warning**
As for how I am feeling emotionally, I just don't know. I am tired. Drained. I don't know if I am eating enough. I am slowly dropping weight, but I need to, so I don't know what to think. I am counting calories again. That is a bad thing. I used to do that when I was anorexic. Of course, I did a lot of other things too that I am not doing when I was anorexic, but still. It just brings back those feelings, and that mentality. It is hard to not obsess. I know I don't want to go back there, but I also know I need to loose weight, and I want it gong now. I hate my body right now. I feel so ugly and terrible about myself. My body image is so poor. I don't even want people touching me, even Micky, which hurts him, and makes me feel terrible. Ugh. I don't know. I want to get over this but it is so hard. I know I can't go back. I must forge ahead. I need to make progress. I need to just let go of all of this obsessing about food.

Halloween

I have set my next goal.....to make it past 75 days. Day 75 would be October 29, so if I can get through Halloween unscathed, I have made it the longest I have gone in the past 2 years. I hope I can make it. I have got to keep on going. Keep up. I have a LONG day at work tomorrow, my shift is 12:30 to 10. YUCK. That is my longest shift yet. I did get my first paycheck today, though, so that was exciting. I have been feeling very very tired all the time lately. I hope that I am not getting sick. My boyfriend has been sick, and that is the last thing that I need! I was going to try to get home to see my parents this weekend, but it turns out that I work Monday, so it is sort of pointless to drive there and back on Sunday. I had no therapy or dietitian this week, which was harder that I thought it would be. It is nice to have someone to talk things over with and just check in with. But my therapist will be back next week, so I am happy about that. I have been looking into spring classes and certificate programs at J. Sargent Reynolds Community College, but haven't decided exactly what I want to do yet. I still have some time, though. Body image stuff still is affecting me daily. I hate not being in my weight range. It makes me feel huge. The sad part is, I have done this to myself all the binging and purging, put the weight on me. Now I am trying to follow this meal plan and it is hard. I want to restrict some days, and some days I just get overwhelmed with it. I find myself counting calories some days and I know that is dangerous territory for me. Not that I know if I have actually lost anything. My scale is at home. My clothes don't feel any looser. I feel like a failure at this all. I just want to be healthy, I hate being outside of what my dietitian feels is right for me. Sometimes I feel like I would die to know what I weighed, but I know that all it is is a number, I can't let a number dictate how I feel. And that is exactly what I would allow it to do. I have vowed to leave it up to my dietitian, and I need to keep that promise. It is just so hard sometimes. I want to feel beautiful.....to see beauty in myself. To love myself. I just don't know if I will ever reach a point where I can truly feel that way.

Today is the DAY

It has been a month now. No binging or purging. 31 days. I am incredibly proud, but I still feel like I have a lot to work on in terms of sticking to my meal plan and keeping things under wraps. The job at Jo-Ann Fabrics is still working out good. I worked a lot of hours last week and still managed to stay sane. I can work the registers now, and have a better idea of where things are in the store. The only downfall is that for some reason they seem to like putting me on the Tuesday 6:00 AM - 1:00 PM shift. It is okay, but I haven't seen that time of the morning in a VERY long time. Tuesdays are when the truck comes to make deliveries, so I am there to help unload. I have found a new passion for sewing. I have already sewn a decorative pillow for Micky and a pillowcase for me. Right now I am working on a purse and a wallet, made from that quilted material that you find on Vera Bradley stuff. The only thing is, I don't have my sewing machine here with me in Richmond, so I am doing it all by hand, but it is still fun. It helps keep my mind off of things. My dad's birthday is today. I told him part of his present was that I had been a month without binging or purging, he was overjoyed. Living with Micky is working out very well. We are getting along, but having our alone time to ourselves as well. It is really nice. I am practicing using my voice with him and choosing what activities I want to do and what I don't. Like going to his parents, seeing his sister, going here or there, etc. It has been good. I get my first paycheck this Friday, and I am excited about that too. I swear I worked almost 40 hours last week!

Day 20

Today is my 20th day without binging or purging. It has been hard, but I am making it. I got a new job this week......FINALLY. It is at Jo-Ann Fabrics in Richmond. So far I have worked 2 days. There is SO much to learn. I feel overwhelmed, but almost in a good way, like the job might not get so monotonous, like other jobs I have had in the past have. I like all the people I have worked with so far, so that is good. My managers are nice, and they call me on my stuff. Two of them have actually told me already "Mary, it doesn't have to be perfect!" I think that's kinda funny. I have been mostly working at the cutting table, cutting fabrics for customers, I haven't learned the ropes of the registers yet. It has given me a new inspiration to want to learn to sew, though! So, since my job is in Richmond, it looks like I will be moving back here. Micky is actually considering letting me live with him!! I am astounded! I will pay him rent, of course, but still!! I am so excited!! He is already planning out a closet for me, so I am REALLY hoping he lets me. He says he will give it a "trial" run of a few months first, though. Whatever, I do all his laundry, dishes, make him breakfast, clean, etc. He will love it! Plus the rent will be VERY good. Because it will be all inclusive. With me here and his other roommate here, his mortgage is completely covered. Anyway, so things are looking up. The 15th is only 11 days away!! I know I can make it!! Micky and I also joined a gym this week and started working out. We only went 2 days this week, but it's a start. 2-3 days a week is fine with me. I don't need to be obsessive about that. I also got my Tragus pierced this week. It is something I have been wanting to do. It's that little flap on your ear, right where your ear canal starts. I like it. It was kinda like a reward for myself. So I guess a lot has been going on this week. It has been a busy one. But good. I feel good about things right now, and I hope that it continues to stay that way.