Halloween

I have set my next goal.....to make it past 75 days. Day 75 would be October 29, so if I can get through Halloween unscathed, I have made it the longest I have gone in the past 2 years. I hope I can make it. I have got to keep on going. Keep up. I have a LONG day at work tomorrow, my shift is 12:30 to 10. YUCK. That is my longest shift yet. I did get my first paycheck today, though, so that was exciting. I have been feeling very very tired all the time lately. I hope that I am not getting sick. My boyfriend has been sick, and that is the last thing that I need! I was going to try to get home to see my parents this weekend, but it turns out that I work Monday, so it is sort of pointless to drive there and back on Sunday. I had no therapy or dietitian this week, which was harder that I thought it would be. It is nice to have someone to talk things over with and just check in with. But my therapist will be back next week, so I am happy about that. I have been looking into spring classes and certificate programs at J. Sargent Reynolds Community College, but haven't decided exactly what I want to do yet. I still have some time, though. Body image stuff still is affecting me daily. I hate not being in my weight range. It makes me feel huge. The sad part is, I have done this to myself all the binging and purging, put the weight on me. Now I am trying to follow this meal plan and it is hard. I want to restrict some days, and some days I just get overwhelmed with it. I find myself counting calories some days and I know that is dangerous territory for me. Not that I know if I have actually lost anything. My scale is at home. My clothes don't feel any looser. I feel like a failure at this all. I just want to be healthy, I hate being outside of what my dietitian feels is right for me. Sometimes I feel like I would die to know what I weighed, but I know that all it is is a number, I can't let a number dictate how I feel. And that is exactly what I would allow it to do. I have vowed to leave it up to my dietitian, and I need to keep that promise. It is just so hard sometimes. I want to feel beautiful.....to see beauty in myself. To love myself. I just don't know if I will ever reach a point where I can truly feel that way.