IN

Well.....finally I found out!  I am in for fall 2011, that's right.....2011, not 2010.  They decided to delay my acceptance to give me another year in recovery.  I am excited about getting accepted, however, not so pleased about where my honesty got me.  I feel I am ready to go now.  I was as open and honest with them as possible, because I did not want anything to come back to bite me.  My story is a long one, and maybe one day I will post it on here, but in brief consists of 4 tx centers, 5 admissions (I was in 1 tx center twice).....I've been to 3 different Universities, and 2 different Community Colleges just to get my Bachelor's, I've been on 30+ psychiatric medications over the course of 8 years all in the attempt at decreasing my ever-present depression, all of which have failed, and I've been through approx. 5-6 different diagnoses (Anorexia, Bulimia, Major Depression, EDNOS, General Anxiety Disorder, and was once actually diagnosed Bipolar even though I am not) in treatment centers or combinations thereof.  Whew.....way to spill the beans.  So I guess when you look at it from their view, I am quite daunting to take on.  I am glad they gave me a chance, though.  They must have seen some kind of sparkle of something.  It does give me an extra year to get some more Art classes under my belt, and get a better grip on my Depression, and ways to cope with the lows that I experience from time to time.  So I suppose the decision was a good one, although I feel ready now.  God has something in mind, and I know that there is a reason I am supposed to wait that extra year.

Pick yourself up.

Well, inevitably, it happened.  Last Monday, April 5, I purged.  I don't want to excuse the incident, however I was under a tremendous amount of stress and I am currently dealing with a bout of depression which just made it all worse.  I made it 118 days.  I am back on the horse, though.  I plan to make it another 118.  It seems as though Depression always likes to loom it's dark cloud over me during this time of year.  When spring is arriving, weather is getting better, things should be looking up....I go way down.  Sometimes I don't think people fully comprehend the debilitating effects of my depression.  I suppose depression shows itself in different ways in different people.  I am unable to do basically ANYTHING.  I cry, cry, and cry some more.  I sleep most of the day, but never feel rested.  I get headaches that make me sensitive to light and sound.  All I want to do is be alone.  I had another dark day today, and although I did not use any ED behaviors, slept mostly all day.  I have been up now since around 4:00 pm, trying to complete work and get some things done around the house.  I get stuck in my head when depression hits....I don't really necessarily think negative thoughts, or at least, I am not aware of it....it is more of a total body numbness.  I feel nothing.  I am blank.  I have had periods of seriously staring at a wall blankly for 30+min.  This is what makes me so nervous about Art Therapy school.  When these waves come during that time.....what will I do?  Will I make it?  I still have heard nothing from the school regarding whether or not I have been accepted.  I actually decided to e-mail them today about it, so we will see what comes of that.  I had to call in to work tonight because of the depression.  It makes me hurt inside that this will be my reality.  That depressive waves will always be a part of me.  I wish I could make them go away for good.

The "Ache"

Today has been one of those days.  I have been experiencing what I call the "ache".  The ache to be sick again.  To be skinny sick again.  To be so sick I need to go inpatient again.  I just miss environment of my last tx facility so bad sometimes.  Even 3 years out.  It never changes my food intake that day or anything, it just depresses me for about a week.  Makes me cry.  I want to feel that love, that companionship of being with others who understand.  I feel like I don't fit in with that crowd anymore, and it's scary.  I don't know who I am becoming.  I don't know if I like it.  I want to be sick so people will take care of me.  Listen to me.  Pay attention to me.  Check up on me.  People don't do that when you are not sick.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of my Eating Disorder.  Then I feel stupid for doing that because it was so stupid of me to have one in the first place.  I just want to feel pretty again.  I don't feel that way now.  I used to, but now I don't.  I had to put on my Easter dress today and I just felt terrible in front of that mirror.  I am not going to go down that road again, by any means, but days like these are hard.  I don't like them.  I keep trying to tell myself, your on day 114....., you haven't restricted in who knows how long....., but it doesn't help.  I want days like this to dissappear.  I want to just be able to accept my body, however it looks, and appreciate it.  I just feel like that is so hard.

What do you like about yourself?

What do you like about yourself?
So, I did this survey on Facebook this afternoon, and I came to this question, and I just stopped and stared. Why is it still so hard for me to answer this question? Why do I feel like I am somehow boasting or bragging or even just stupid if I answer this?? Why does nothing come to mind? Why is it that after all the work I have done…..I am sill…blank? I know there has to be SOMETHING I like!! And I don’t just mean about my looks, I mean about my personality, the way I act, etc. So here, on my blog, I am challenging myself to post 5 things that I like about myself. I am starting now @ 4:53 PM, let’s see how long it takes me.


1. I like how I write letters to other people and love on them in that manner. Whether it be through, e-mail, Facebook, actual letters or some other way, I like how I do that.


2. I like the person I am becoming. Using my voice more, speaking up more, giving recovery 100%. Doing things that I love.


3. I like my creativity. I like that I am an artsy person, and that I like to create things for people and for myself.


4. I like my stubbornness. In a way it has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past….but it has also helped me SO much. Once I fully set my mind to something….I fight hard to make it happen.

5. I like the love I have inside me for others, especially my family. I am not much of a grudge keeper, except against one individual, that I will not mention.


Well, It didn’t take me long at all!! It’s 5:07 PM, so that is 14 minutes! I am extremely surprised. My challenge now, is to anybody who takes the time to read this (and I thank you) is that you would do the same thing for yourself!!

Panic Attack

Just got over a panic attack and I am waiting for my medication to kick in so I can doze off. Poor Micky. He takes things out on himself way too much. My dad made a comment last night and he took it WAY out of context and just really slammed himself. I feel terrible about it, considering it was MY dad. I hate to see him feel bad, because he doesn't deserve to feel bad. He has been through enough in his life. I just want to shake him and yell "STOP!" and make all of the thoughts in his mind go away. But I am helpless. It is times like these that make me realize how much he went through with me when I was in the depths of my Eating Disorder. It is painful for me to think how much I put him through. That is why I must continue.....must push forward. Not only for myself, but for everybody around me. I have caused them enough pain. It hurts so much to watch someone you love destroy themselves, and beat themselves up mentally. It hurts even more when you can't stop the thoughts, or even help at all. I will never be able to comprehend the love my family and Micky have for me. I don't understand it. But I accept it. I love them back......fiercely. They are my life. Okay, now my haze is kicking in. Just thought I would share what I learned this afternoon.

100 Days

Well, today is officially over, meaning I have now made it 100 days without Binging or Purging. It has been now since December 8th. I am so very proud. Micky and I went out to celebrate tonight by eating dinner out at a nice Italian restaurant. We actually got to eat out on the patio since it was so nice outside here today!! Spring is in the air!! I can't wait for it. I am TOTALLY enjoying my spring break to the fullest. I love being lazy :P It's what I do best! Poor little Spike went to the vet's office yesterday and got neutered, so I have been taking care of him today and keeping him company. He has slept most of the day, though. He has this awful cone around his head, he looks just pitiful. The vet said we have to keep it on him for a WEEK!!! Craziness. This weekend Micky and I are helping out at a track meet on Saturday. We help with the throwing events, marking them and judging and such. It's fun but very tiring. We help his old weight lifting coach out. Plus it's at my old college, and Micky's too, so we like to secretly root for them. I am feeling less tired lately than I have been. I was able to see my doctor last week about the tiredness I had been feeling and he made some adjustments, but I haven't actually put them into action yet.....so maybe it was just that I was lacking sleep. I don't know, but I do need to get myself to the pharmacy in the near future. Micky told me something interesting about myself yesterday. Apparently I need to dress more my age. He told me that while he was waiting for me to come out of Target, he mistakenly started driving up to pick up a teenager who looked like me. So I need to "woman" up my "look". Whatever that means. So I shall be experimenting with that I suppose. It's hard though, because everybody tells me I look young. I don't really know how to fix that. I get carded regularly.....sometimes even at the movies!! Embarrassing!! It is especially embarrassing when people think that Micky and I are siblings, because he looks old for his age and I look young.....so people don't think we could possibly be dating. Here's a REALLY bad one, one time, when I was sick, and looked even younger, Micky got mistaken for my DAD!!! One of the most embarrassing moments of my life!! I don't think it helped that we were going to see a Disney movie. For those of you who don't know my age, I am actually 25. 26 in August. Edging closer and closer to 30 by the minute. Oh man, that's gonna be a scary day. Gotta stop thinking about that now, makes me depressed...just kidding....kinda :)

Update...again :)

Tired....That pretty much sums it all up. I have been increasingly tired since my last post. Don't know what it is, but I need to see my doc about it. Thank goodness for spring break next week. I don't even have to work....I am totally going to vegetate. Hibernate. Me and Spike. Bff's. I think the Movie Rental place is gonna hate me next week. I may as well go buy some of the movies....and some more pillows for the couch while I'm at it, and perhaps a few more chew toys for the dog to keep him occupied. Don't get me wrong, there will be some work involved, like, showering, using the remote, switching between movies and books, etc. Man am I on a trip. Na I won't really be that lazy. I couldn't stand being cooped up like that for more than a day. There will be a lot of sleeping involved though, if I don't get an appointment with my doctor soon. Not much is really going on. Art classes are going pretty well. I did a really good drawing today, I am not going to post it, though because it is a nude bust. We do not draw live nudes.....I think my head would pop off because I would turn so red. Spike is doing good. He is potty training. Still having some accidents, but doing well I think. We are learning quickly how much grooming a Maltese is going to require. At least 1 time a month, he will need a full grooming and we need to brush him daily. I am looking forward to tonight. Micky and I are going out to dinner for our "date night"....we have discovered a new restaurant we really like called "Kona Grill" they have Sushi there, which we both like and it is REALLY good. YUM!! Oh, and most importantly, I am still on track with everything...so .....drum roll please.....93 days today!! As a side note, please excuse the general psycho-ness of this update or spastic-ness. I am a bit out if it. :)