Update

Thanksgiving this year was AWESOME!! I went home in the morning and as our family usually does we had our big thanksgiving meal at lunch time. I could actually relax and enjoy it this year. I enjoyed the company of my family, and the food, and even had 2 slices of pumpkin pie!! one at lunch and one at dinner!! YUM!! My aunt and I went out to the Thanksgiving day sale at Michael's from 5-9pm which was fun, she got me my Christmas gift at an awesome price. I am feeling so much better right now, and I even worked until 2:15 am last night! Today makes a week since I last B/P. Not much to remark about, but I plan on making it longer. Today I have gone all day alone, and not even had thoughts. I am getting ready to go to a "Pampered Chef" party at Micky's sister's house with Micky and his mom at 4:00. I have been working mostly on Christmas gifts all day. I already have a lot wrapped.....I know, I'm sick, right? But I still have a LOT of sewing and craft work to do on the ones I have left to do, so I am kinda worried I won't be able to get it all accomplished. I did venture out to Wal-mart at home yesterday because I had to pick up some of my meds before I made the trip home. It was packed, but I did find some things that I needed for some people. This morning I went to Jo-Ann's, because I saw all the doorbusters go up last night, I knew what I wanted!! :) I also went to Kohl's. I am looking forward to Monday because I have a lunch date set up, which is a HUGE step for me. But a VERY good one. I am even being completely open to restaurants, because in the end, it really doesn't matter anyway <3

Doing Better!!!!

Well, after my med. changes, adding the Iron in and starting to follow my mealplan more closely, I am feeling SO much better. I feel like I have some spunk again. I decided last week after seeing my therapist, when I was still feeling low, that I would call into work for Thursday and just go home. I had an appointment with my Primary Care doc on Friday anyway, so I needed to go home anyway, so I just went a little early. It was amazing the transformation that took place over Wednesday to Saturday. I felt like I became real again. I don't know what did the trick, but something sure did. I am not saying that I am fully 100% but I am light years from where I was. I went into work Monday with a smile on my face and it felt fun again.

That being said, I am extremely worried about Micky. His work has him so down, and my issues with our intimacy are not helping things. I am worried about our relationship. I try to do things to cheer him up, but nothing is working. Shoot, you all are going to think this is hilarious, but I even put up a Christmas tree this week to suprise him. I know, I know, it is WAY early, but whatever. I am going to try to attach a picture of it if I can figure out how to do that.

I am also worried about my future. I am scared about where my life is heading. I feel like I am going nowhere. I NEED a good job. I want to go back to school, but I can't figure out for what. I just don't know. My parents are pushing me to get my certificate for Medical Transcription, but would I really enjoy that? I am leaning toward something in the arts, but that means another bachelor's degree, do I have time for that again? I am so lost.

Still on the Brink

I am still on the edge of crashing. My blood work came back with low potassium, low CO2 and low Iron stores. I saw my psychiatrist today about all of it. He is changing some things around and putting me on iron pills. I have had to miss 2 days of work for this. I just can't do it. I can't handle it. I am SO tired. All I want to do is be alone and sleep my life away. My doc thinks it is a lot more than just the low iron making me tired. He said he had never seen me so depressed and zombie-like, as he put it. I am at a crossroads. I don't know what to do. My dietitian reinforced the basic meal plan today, I tried it tonight and I feel incredibly full. I know I need to just do it, but it is so hard. She told me that the nutrition will take care of the other levels if I do it every day. I feel so huge and stupid. Not what my therapist would want. Not what a mothering voice would tell me. That voice seems to have up and left my brain. Micky is at a point where I think he is sick of me. He is depressed himself having me depressed and due to some other things at his work. It is all I can do to get out of bed, eat three meals, and take a shower each day. I am crying constantly, which makes me even more tired and sad. I feel like I am shutting down during sessions, and I don't know how to snap myself out of it. I just start with the "I don't knows" and it all goes downhill from there. My doc has actually talked to me about magnet therapy and ECT but we don't know what insurance will pay for....ugh. Enough of my complaining. Back to sleep.

Unmanagable

I don't know what to do. My depression has become unmanageable in my life at this point. On Friday, I simply had to work a 5-10 shift at Jo-Ann fabrics and I couldn't handle it. My boss could tell I was tired, and told me to take a 15 min. break, once I got to the break room, I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably. I called my therapist. I ended up lying to them that I had "just heard" that my uncle had lung cancer and I could not complete my shift. They let me clock out and leave. I cried for almost an hour after that. I don't even know what is completely wrong. I am just so sad and sick of life. Micky and I are having some issues, that I don't really feel like discussing on here. Plus he has been gone all weekend at parties and with friends, leaving me alone. Which means, I have been free to binge and purge. I have done it two times over the weekend. I have e-mailed my team. I am scared. I am afraid of myself at this point. I don't want to start even more old behaviors again. I am so tired all the time. My psychiatrist still hasn't gotten my blood work that I had done not this past Friday but the Friday before. I literally slept almost all day Saturday. I am interested in nothing. Nothing causes any emotion. Micky is afraid I need to be hospitalized. The only thing that I did do this weekend was make it to church. I liked the service, but again I was so depressed, it was hard to take much of it in, and it mostly just made me feel guilty about how disconnected I am from God. I just want to check out from life for a while. I don't know what to do. I have a shift from 9:00 - 4:15 at work tomorrow, and honestly I am afraid the same thing is going to happen that happened on Friday. I can't go on like this.

Another hard week

Another week I've made it through.....no purging, but 1 binge. My dietitian wants me to up my calories and that freaks me out. She is afraid I am eating to little and I am actually going to slow my metabolism down. So I guess I can still count it as 10 days no purging. I am so tired all the time. I feel like I am just dragging my body around. Even small tasks feel like they take so much effort. I try to have a positive outlook, but it just isn't there. I am worried about my relationship with Micky. It feels like we are growing apart. I have intimacy issues. There. I said it. And it is hard. I don't think he feels loved by me, even though I love him so much. I don't know what to do about it.

Jo-Ann fabrics is a mad house. I work as hard as I possibly can to stay focused while I am there. I work mostly at night, which is weird, I don't think I like it. I don't like closing at least, because you and the others there are the ones left to put up all the fabric and crap that has been returned and just left around the store. I like getting the paycheck, though. So I will keep on. I've got to do something, or I feel like all I would do was lie in bed all day.

I have an update on my uncle who they told had terminal lung cancer. Well the chemo shrunk it. He had surgery yesterday and they think they were able to remove it. Thank you God, please continue to pray for him. He is in a lot of pain right now. I feel so blessed that he might still be able to be a part of my life for a much longer time than we thought.

Better Week

I have done better this week. Most likely because Micky came home on Tuesday, and surprised me by coming home a day early, but anyways....it has been better. Definitely not to 100% but better. People around me can tell how worn down I am. Managers at work are constantly asking me "What's wrong?" I have to shrug them off and just smile and say, nothing, really, I'm okay. I am sleeping a lot, just not at night it seems lately. I get my highs at night, and can't sleep, so I sleep the mornings away. This week I have had to work all evening shifts mostly, so it has been hard for me to relax after work and slow myself down and focus on sleeping after my shifts. Last night I actually went to wal-mart at 11:00 at night. It was awesome, I had my rule of the store, but stupid me, I got to the checkout and realised that I left my debit card in my other pair of pants that were back at the condo. Micky brought me back a beautiful necklace from the holy land in Israel. I love it. It is absolutely gorgeous. My parents came down last weekend to visit me before Micky got back. They loved the condo. They took me out to lunch, which was kind of daunting, but went okay. Then I showed them where I worked, and they took me to Burlington Coat Factory to get me a winter coat because it has been cold in Richmond the past week and I haven't had a coat to wear.....and as we know, with winter coming, it is only going to be getting colder. I am getting worn out at work. I don't have my next day off until Monday. I work both days this weekend. At least I found out on the schedule for next week that I don't have to work Halloween. Supposedly it is a mad-house. I am happy about that. It will be the first Saturday I have had off since I started working there. All in all, I am feeling better. Tired most of the time still, but better. I haven't binged or purged in 3 days....which is good considering I had been doing it more frequently with Micky being gone. I hope to get a run started up again. So November 20 will be a month, we shall see how things roll.

Riding the Wave

I have spent the last week riding the deep dip in the wave of depression. Saturday I actually had to call in sick the depression got so bad, I could not get out of bed. However, I have managed to make it to every other shift they have put on me this week. I am proud of myself for this. I am allowing myself to be proud of myself for this. I am still struggling with eating and using symptoms, but during this time when the depression is so bad....I haven't done as awful as I have done in the past. I saw my psychiatrist and got a new medicine to try, so maybe some relief will come from that. I made it to group on Monday....I can congratulate myself for that. I got support from some wonderful ladies. I am reading in short bits, when I can concentrate the new book by Jenni Schaefer. I am reminded that recovery is about me. I have to stand up for myself against ED. ED's voice is there.....but I have the CHOICE to decide what to do. I can give in to him or stand up and fight. Of course that sounds simplistic, and I have fallen many times. But, it is a good reminder. I feel blessed to have a good therapist willing to see me twice a week, and an amazing dietitian who both work together to help me as much as they can. I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God lately. Since last summer, and my relapses into bulimia, and all the drug trials I went through.....I have felt very distant from him. I want that to change. I want to start going to church again. Developing a relationship with God again. I want to feel his love in my heart. Sometimes during the tough times I have challenged whether I believe or not, how God could do this to me, what an awful person I must be to deserve this. But I know all of this is not right. I know I believe. God is not doing this to me, it is just something I have acquired in this life, ED is not a punishment from God. God is loving, and wants a relationship with me. I just have to open my heart, which is hard for me to do, and allow him in.