Lately

Lately I have been so tired I can not keep my eyes open.  Yesterday I slept from 11 am - 8 am today.  I finally gave up and went in to Urgent Care to have blood work done.  Low potassium and dehydration.  Nothing severe, however.  No need for IV's or anything like that.  Just drink water and eat bananas.  Funny thing about that is, I have been using no ED behaviors.  For like a while now.  Like, weeks.  Maybe a month.  Don't understand that one, but whatever.  I am still very tired.  The doc thinks it may be coming off the meds.  The first one I came off of was a breeze, this second one, however is proving to be tricky.  The next one I have to go off of is going to be a huge pain as well because I have to come off of it so slowly.  It is going to take 9 weeks to get off.  Painfully slow.  I wanted to be off of them all in that time.  I know I need to be more patient, but I just want to be done.  I don't know how I am going to make my appointments in Richmond this week.  I am so tired, I don't know if I will be able to.  I am extremely worried about school starting.  It starts next Monday.  How will I be able to keep up with classes if I need to sleep more than half of the day?  Especially a class like Chemistry?  Ugh.  I feel like my body is just giving up on me.  It is so used to meds, it doesn't know what to do with out them.  I have been on some type of psychiatric med or another since I was 13.....I just am scared how my body is going to handle all this.  I know I want to get there, though.  Be free of the medicine.  It is not doing any good anymore, and I am sick of it.  I feel like I am flooding my body daily with all of these chemicals, and yet they are doing me no good.  I will get there.....slowly but surely, sooner or later.  I just wish the process and withdrawls were easier.

Depression Hurts. Antidepressants don't help.

I am going to be working my way off of all of my meds.  Slowly, but I will be coming off of them.  I do not see the point in staying on them any longer when there are no benefits.  I am just putting chemicals into my body daily with no relief of my symptoms.  I am still depressed, still anxious, still apathetic.  In some ways, I feel like things are worse than ever.  My ED symptoms are almost non-existent, although I battle with thoughts daily and my body image is in the pits....which causes me to not want to practice very good self-care.  Meaning, I don't really do my hair, make-up, dress nice, etc. because I just figure I look so disgustingly fat and ugly no amount of make up, styling, or clothing is going to hide it.  I feel like I am meant to spend the rest of my life alone and suffering.  I was just not made to be happy.  Not wired that way.  I know that this is very negative thinking, and some would call it a self-fulfilling prophecy...but it is how I feel.  I am going to say this, and I know it is going to hurt some people, but seeing my friends getting engaged, married, talking about their significant other has caused me so much pain it is almost unbearable.  It fucking hurts.  Why the hell am I not good enough for someone to love me?  But I guess it's not meant to be like that, and I know it's not their fault.  Of course they are happy.  I would fucking die if a guy even showed any interest in me.  I am turning bitter.  Bitter and old.  I am almost 30. 30! I should have children by now.  I should have a steady paying job by now.  I should NOT be living at home with my parents, still mooching off of them.  This is pathetic.  I am still struggling to decide even what I want to do.  Art therapy is not final now.  I am considering other options.  I've got to make more money than that to make it on my own.  I am thinking Pharmacy now.  Probably another 4 years of school.  I will never retire.  I just want to disappear.  To have never been born.  I was a big mistake.

Why?

I don't know what I did wrong.  I feel like my psychiatrist is really pissed off with me.  I told him I wanted to stop my meds.  They aren't helping anymore and I feel like I need a break.  My thinking was that he would actually give me some kudos for telling him and not just doing it on my own.  noooooooo.  I mustered up the courage to tell him near the end of the appointment, and he pretty much just shortly told me what I could decrease and sent me out the door crying.  I barely made it to my car before I started sobbing.  I've always really liked him too, so it just really hurts my feelings.  Makes me WANT to now just stop everything and say screw it.  If he doesn't care, why should I?  I actually e-mailed him when I got home about it and he gave me this line about being "taken aback" because I told him at the end of the visit.  Whatever.  He has never been one to follow the strict rules and parameters of a 30 min appointment time, so I don't understand why he didn't take the extra 5 minutes with me to let me calm down.  He did start out the visit by telling me that he was getting shorted money though, because I had seen my therapist that day too so he would have to charge me for just a "medication visit", whatever that means, he will be shorted $10-15.  So I started off the damn appointment feeling guilty enough.  I guess that seeing him since 2005 means nothing to him.  I hate having to take crap off of people that are supposed to be helping me.  It shouldn't be like this.  This is stupid.  I don't know why I even care so much.

A Taste

I have done it.  Gotten plastered.  Drunk.  Something I never thought I would do.  The room was spinning.  I thought I was going to pass out.  4 shots of Vodka.  That's all it took.  Neverland.  A taste of the unknown.  Where troubles dissappear and all you want to do is sleep.  A taste.  It scares me.  Terrifies me actually.  I never wanted to actually experience it.  Never wanted the opportunity for fear of what a tase of it could bring.  I must be careful.  Shelter myself.  Stop myself.  Never let myself do this again.  It is too easy.  It will become too fast an addiction.  I can so easily see the comfort in alcohol.  The longing for that feeling of being at ease and calm for once in your life.  I must stop now.  Plus, I think that the vodka with the addition of taking and ativan 1 hour before, and having an empty stomach just made things even worse.  I am just so damn anxious about this vacation I am on right now.  Now I am afraid I have unleashed something inside me much worse, much more terrifying.  Just another thing to cling to, another thing to have to obsess over, to keep my thoughts from killing me.  To keep my depression at bay.  This sucks.  Most likely, my guess is that I will keep control over this, and not let this ever happen again, however, having now let myself have tasted yet another monster, I feel dissappointed in myself.  I can see how I could fall so fast for it.  I want out.  I out of this addictive lifestyle.  I want to feel whole.  Feel worthy of something for once in my life.  Feel acceptable to somebody.  Feel beautiful, and wanted.  I am afraid that I will never feel these things in my lifetime.  I feel hopeless.  I don't know what I want anymore.

Tiredness....

I am sorry for the lack of posting.  Days are hard.  I feel very unworthy of anybody's time these days, and don't want to take up space.  I know this is not true, but a feeling is a feeling.  Things are not good...no matter how much of a happy face I put on, to try to trick people.  My parents seem to believe it.  I feel so so alone.  I am away from everyting.  I spend my days pretty much alone, except for the time I spend with my aunt, God bless her.  She tries her best to get me out of the house and take me places.  I don't feel able to get a job.  I am so tired all the time.  I can barely stay awake 6 hours and I need to take a nap.  My parents have their own lives and spend a lot of time with friends.  I just lay in my bed, wasting time.  Waiting on nothing.  Wasting my life away.  Nothing is fun anymore.  Everything that could be fun causes extreme anxiety.  The things I have to do each day just to live seem endless, and too much to bear.  Life is exhausting, and I am not even really living it.  Everyting is annoying as hell.  Yet at the same time I feel like I am apologizing for everyting.  I don't care anymore about what I look like or what I wear, because I feel like nobody cares.  My mind is either racing or moving so slow I can barely register what is happening.  Tears seem to fall, but I don't know why I am crying.  Life feels surreal.  I don't feel pain or joy, just numb....nothingness.  Blank space.

Break.

I am breaking down.  Slowly.  On Thursday, June 10, Micky told me that he had no future intentions on ever getting married.  He said he did not make enough money to support the both of us, and did not want to be married.  I am moving home.  I have thus far moved most of my things out of the condo.  One more trip and I should be out.  It feels surreal.  Like it's not really happening.  I cry, it doesn't help.  It changes nothing.  It hurts.  It is just the beginning of the hurt.  The true pain is just starting to sink in.  I feel unloveable.  Unwanted.  Used.  I feel like my chest is being crushed.  Someone is pounding on my head.  The back of my throat is swelling up.  I am hyperactive, then depressed.  Cramming down my feelings for nobody to see. 

One of my good friends was in a major car accident this week.  She was hurt, bad.  I am so worried.  She just got out of the ICU today.  I want to go see her, but i don't know when I will be allowed to.

Another one of my good friends got married today.  I feel like a jerk for bailing on her wedding at the last minute.  I just didn't think I would be able to handle my emotions at a wedding properly.  I am extremely happy for her, I am just so stuck in my own stupid head.

Another one of my friends wants me to call her because she is experiencing something similar.  I can't.  I am paralyzed.  The thought of the phone is daunting.  The thought of actual real peer support after having gone so long without it is terrifying.  I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to act.  I am no good at having friends.

Maybe I am meant to be alone.  Maybe I really am.

Restless

1:42 AM....I can not sleep.  Not so sure why, but I can't.  I have made the decision to not take the summer class I intended to take, and allow myself to relax a bit more and enjoy my summer off.  I am going to try to find some shadowing opportunities around Richmond if possible.  I really don't want to increase my work hours at this point although I am being encouraged by many to do so.  My therapist and I decided that I will work intensely this summer on my depression.  We are using a book and a workbook, plus sessions to work through it.  I need to get myself to a point where I will feel comfortable going away to school in the fall of 2011.  ED is not going so hot.  I am stable, but behaviors are still present.  I can not seem to get back onto a track of counting up more than 6-7 days without B/P.  I feel somewhat stuck.....and somewhat skeptical about this whole book/depression work.  I mean, I am still open to it, but just a bit doubtful that it will really work or help my depression at all in the end.  When I hit those lows.....nothing can really help.  The whole, "mindfulness/meditation" stuff, honestly seems a bit loopy to me, but whatever.  It's never worked in the past, but we'll see what happens.  I am just saddened by the state I find myself in.  Frustrated with life in general.  I tend to put on a very happy/giggly/bubbly front for others.....but when I am alone....nobody sees the ache.  The deep longing I have for inner peace.  It's like this huge void.  I get completely numb at times.  Feeling nothing, yet at other times I cry uncontrollably.  Sometimes I actually feel bipolar, although I know I am not.  I can go from okay one second, to completely miserable another.  At times I sleep my days away to avoid the pain, but sometimes sleep will not come and I am stuck with my thoughts.  I wish that sleep were as simple as an "on" and "off" button.  Things would be much more bearable at times.