Update

It was a LONG weekend. My motivation has been low, as I have been very tired. I did, however manage to complete my sketchbook entries, and got a 10/10 on them. I have my first critique tomorrow on my first oil painting, so we will see how that goes. I am posting a picture of it here, so critique away if you wish!! We had to do the painting in gray scale, of items placed in front of us on a table. I am nervous about critique, and just about these classes in general. They are so different from any other classes I have ever taken before. It's not straight forward, where you read a book, take notes, print the lecture, and study.....it's very different. I just don't know what to expect.

I am really trying right now to deepen my life spiritually. I have felt so out of touch with God lately. I need to reconnect. I am doing my own "bible study" using a book I found by an author that was recommended to me. The book is called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. I got the book and the workbook. I have read the intro and Chapter 1 so far and find it VERY good. Very interesting and right on. I want to share a quote from Chapter 1 that I found very compelling:

"The truth is always revealed through the Word; but sadly, people don't always accept it. It is a painful process to face our faults and deal with them. Generally speaking, people justify misbehavior. They allow the past and how they were raised to negatively affect the rest of their lives. Our past may explain why we're suffering, but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage. Everyone is without excuse because Jesus always stands ready to fulfill His promise to set the captives free. He will walk us across the finish line of victory in any area if we are willing to go all the way through it with Him."

This quote really spoke to me. It helps me see things in a different light. I need to learn more to "let go and let God" rather than dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. God will provide, in his perfect timing. He has his plan for me. As long as I am living my life for him, according to his will, I have nothing to fear.

Snow!

We are snowed in! There is about a foot on the ground right now, and it is still coming down. The open house I was supposed to go to this weekend at EVMS was cancelled due to the weather. I was actually really disappointed about it. I really wanted to see my parents and see the school before I went down there for my interview. Now I am even more nervous about the interview because on top of feeling like I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where I'm going! But, I suppose things will work themselves out. My week has been okay. I have felt very tired this week, and it has been a real struggle to get the things done that I need to get done. My classes are moving right along. I have my first critique next Thursday. It is in Painting I. I think my painting will be ready, I just have no clue as to what to expect. Then I have another critique the following Tuesday in Drawing I. I am working on sketches for my sketchbook this weekend that our professor is going to check on this coming Tuesday. Some of them are really detailed. We have a lot of homework in that class. I have been able to find a sculpture class for the summer and a digital art class. They are going to be at John Tyler Community College, which is a lot farther away from me, but I am willing to go since they recommended I get in a sculpture class before I come. So at least I have that figured out. I am still on track with my b/p behaviors. So it has been a total of 53 days today :) Very happy about that!!

Just Because

This is sort of a post just because. I am posting to somewhat vent and out of a case of boredom as well, if that makes sense at all. I am tired again, and it is starting to frustrate me. I am really pushing through and not letting it get to me, but I AM tired. I feel like I am getting enough sleep at night, and good nutrition, but still the tiredness. I am hoping to just ride it out for a week and hopefully it will pass. It may be due to worry. This week has been full of it. Micky has had a rough week and it has made me worry about him a lot. I am worried about my upcoming interview at EVMS and my art classes and whether or not my pieces will be sufficient for the art portion of the interview. I suppose I just need to relax. It is so hard to do though. It frustrates me. Worrying gets you NOWHERE. I try to keep that mantra, but it is so hard to stop the thoughts. Deep breaths. Breathe. Anxiety still rising. I want it gone so bad. I am so freaking done with this crap. It just makes me want to burst into tears I am so frustrated. Not over the anxiety but over the frustration of it all. I will beat this. I will prevail. I will keep my 43 days and I will continue to add. I will not turn this into an excuse. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. Everything will be fine. No matter what happens with school, no matter what happens with Micky. I will live, and I will thrive. I still have myself. I have my family. I have my team. I have my friends. I don't have to beat up myself anymore, it is not worth it, it doesn't have to be an option anymore. Wow. Glad I typed this out. I need to keep re-reading this. This was helpful.

40 Days

I made it through my first week of classes unscathed. I have 40 days under my belt now. I'll admit it, I'm pretty proud :) My classes seem really great but challenging at the same time. For my drawing I class I have to keep a sketchbook, and by the end of it I have to have over 40 drawings in pen & ink, like 30 in pencil, and also complete all of the big assignments. That feels overwhelming, but I think I can do it. The materials were so EXPENSIVE!!! I was blown away!! My painting class was the most expensive. We are learning oil painting. The professor only allowed us to buy a specific brand of paint, in numerous colors, which was expensive, and a specific brand of brushes which were even more expensive. I got it all, though. I am down to working just on Wednesday's now. I didn't even work at all last week, and only have 4 hours next week, though. I think that might be good, while I figure out how the classes are going to work and my workload, though.

I have absolutely fabulous news to share, though. I sat down to check my e-mail the other day and saw that I had an e-mail from EVMS. I immediately got really nervous, and didn't even want to open it. Finally I got the courage to open it, and I got and interview!!! I am SO excited. I go for my interview on February 12th. I am also going to their open house for the program on January 30th and my parents are going with me. I am so nervous for the interview. Especially because I don't have so much experience on the art side of things. I will by the time I get there, but not for the interview. I have to have a portfolio put together for the interview of 8-12 pieces. I know of definitely 4, maybe 5 that I have. So, I gotta come up with at least 3 more before then. I would really like to get an oil painting done, but I am not sure if I will have one by then. I need a pencil/charcoal drawing. I could use a sculpture, but I haven't taken a class. So I am just really nervous. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be, though....I just have to remind myself of that.

:)

I just have to say it. I feel happy today. I have been having happy days for a while now. I don't want to jinx myself. But I am happy. Yay! I seriously haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel normal for once in my life. Like in the picture, I feel like I am coming out of the sea of 'blue'. I feel like I am developing a healthy relationship with food. It is by no means perfect, but I am nowhere near so obsessed with it. It is just a part of my life now. I started school yesterday. I really want to ROCK this semester. I am going to work my butt off. I want to learn. I want to get into this Art Therapy program. 37 days now, no B/P. Yes! I am learning slowly how to deal with down time. I feel like I am letting go. Finally learning to be me. Accepting me. I am so glad (at least right now) that I took this leap of faith and decided to go back to school.

Oh, and an update about that chest x-ray, high lymphocyte stuff....well I went to the doc on Monday, and it turned out my lymphocytes were completely normal then. So....now I have to decide whether or not to even bother seeing the lung doc. I am mulling it over with my psych, to get his opinion and we will go from there. But that is great news!! The doctor there thinks it may have just been a virus I had or something. He wants me to come back in a month and he with perform a chest x-ray, to ensure that everything is okay. I am all up for going with that option and just cutting out the lung doc, but I am still going to get the opinion of my psych....cause he knows his stuff.

1 Month

Well....Guess what??? I have made it 1 month today, B/P free!! Hooray!! My goal now is to make it through the first week of classes B/P free. This week has been very tiring. It started out okay, but starting Wednesday until today I have worked 6am-10am, very short shifts, but just early enough to wear you out for the rest of the day. I was finally able to finish Micky's parents CHRISTMAS present yesterday, though. I know, I am WAY late. I feel terrible about it. But, better late than never I suppose. Now I have to finish my cousin's daughter's birthday present which was December 27th!!! Man I am behind. I really want to stay on top of things in my classes, though. I think things will be different there. When I have to get things done by a deadline or there are actual penalties, I think things will be different. I HAVE to stay on top of things because I really need to do well in these classes. The school I am applying to for art therapy contacted me this week and asked me where my letters of recommendation and transcripts where. I was like.....um.....I don't know??? I sent off for them. Makes me really nervous. But I got it straightened out and I think things are okay now. After I heard too that the letters of recommendation don't have to be in until the end of the month it made me feel a lot better. I was afraid that I was actually already late or something. Nothing much other than that to report, really. Things are okay. I am excited about classes starting next week. I do wish, though that the professors would post the syllabi's on blackboard now so that I could go ahead and buy the supplies I need. I've bought some stuff, but who knows what other random things I'll need.

Update

Happy New Year 2010!! Things are going along. I have not binged or purged since December 8th. I have reached my goal of making it to the new year. My goal now is to make it to January 8th, making it a month. I am taking baby steps. I find that making shorter goals is more manageable for me. When I set my expectations too high, I tend to get a bit overwhelmed and I fall. Christmas day ended up going okay. Not the great, amazing, Christmas I had envisioned, but again, I think I set my goal way too high. I did well, and things went well. Recovery is going good. Christmas eve was just a depressing evening, and I made it through, even though it was rough. I got to see my old therapist today and it was so good to see her, even though I had such a hard time leaving her. I got to update her on how things are going and what I have been up to. It was nice. Yesterday, I finished my application for EVMS, and submitted it. So that is done. It is now up to God whether I get in. If I do I am off to Norfolk in the fall. If I don't, no big deal.....I will try again next year, after the art classes are behind me, I have built up my portfolio, and perhaps had more time to do some volunteer work in the field. Sure I will be disappointed, but I can always try again. I start the art classes at the community college on January 12th, I believe. I am excited about it. I haven't taken art classes since high school, I have missed them!